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C7551        •  Comic   English 

AUTHOR  grammar 


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Comic  English 
gramrriar 


THIS  BOOK  MUST  BE  KEPT  IN 

STUDIO  DURING  WORKING 
HOURS  AVAILABLE  FOR  CALL. 


P-618 


.atfi. 


"■  :"RY  OF  Tf!£ 
.i    UlSMr.Y  SlUDIO 


Aaaiiia 


TUE    COMIC 


ENGLISH  GRAMMAR 


A    NEW    AND    FACETIOUS 


INTRODUCTION  TO  THE  ENGLISH  TONGUE. 


BMBKLI.lSHKl)    niTII    L'PWAKDS   OF    roRTY-lirE   CHARACTERISTIC 
ILLUSTRATIONS,    BY  J.    LEECU. 


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C.13SI 


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NEW      YORK: 

DICK     vt     F  I  T  Z  G  E 11  A  L  D  ,    P  U  B  I.  I  S  11  £  R  S 

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SRlf 
URL    ,    , 

PRELIMIMM  DISCOURSE. 


Fashion  requires,  and  like  the  rest  of  her  sex,  requires  be- 
cause she  requires,  that  before  a  writer  begins  the  business  of 
his  book,  he  should  give  an  account  to  the  world  of  his  reasons 
for  producing  it;  and  therefore,  to  avoid  singularity,  we  shall 
proceed  with  the  statement  of  our  own,  excepting  only  a  few 
private  ones,  which  are  neither  here  nor  there. 

To  advance  the  interests  of  mankind  by  promoting  the  cause 
of  Education;  to  ameliorate  the  conversation  of  the  masses  ;  to 
cultivate  Taste,  and  diffuse  Refinement;  these  are  the  objects 
we  have  in  view  in  submitting  a  Comic  English  Grammar  to 
the  patronage  of  a  discerning  Public. 

Few  persons  there  are,  whose  ears  are  so  extremely  obtuse, 
as  not  to  be  frequently  annoyed  at  the  violations  of  Grammar 
by  which  they  are  so  often  assailed.  It  is  really  painful  to  be 
forced,  in  walking  along  the  streets,  to  hear  such  phrases  as, 
"That  'ere  omnibus."  "Where've  you  bin?"  "  Vot''s  the 
odds  ?"  and  the  like.  Very  dreadful  expressions  are  also  used 
by  cartmen  and  others  in  addressing  their  horses.  What  can 
possibly  induce  a  human  being  to  say  "Gee  woot!"  "'Mather 
way!"  or  "Woal'  not  to  mention  the  atrocious  "Kim  aup!" 
of  the  barbarous  butcher's  boy. 

It  is  notorious  that  the  above  and  greater  enormities  are  per- 
petrated in  spite  of  the  number  of  Grammars  already  before  the 
world.  This  fact  sufficiently  excuses  the  present  addition  to 
the  stock ;  and  as  serious  English  Grammars  have  hitherto 
failed  to  effect  the  desired  reformation,  we  are  induced  to  at- 
tempt it  by  means  of  a  Comic  one. 

With  regard  to  the  moral  tendency  of  our  labors,  we  may  be 
here  permitted  lo  remark,  that  they  will  tend,  if  successful,  to 
the  suppression  of  evil  speaking;  and  as  tlie  Spartans  used  to 
exhibit  a  tipsy  slave  to  their  children  with  a  view  to  disgust 
them  with  drunkenness,  so  we,  by  giving  a  few  examples  here 
and  there,  of  incorrect  phraseology,  shall  expose,  in  their  naked 
deformity,  the  vices  of  speech  to  the  ingenious  reader. 


iv  PRELIMINART  DISCOxmSE. 

The  comical  mind,  like  the  jaundiced  eye,  v^ews  ever)i;hing 
through  a  colored  medium.  Such  a  mind  is  that  of  the  gener- 
ality of  our  countrymen.  We  distinguish  even  the  nearest  ties 
of  relationship  by  facetious  names.  A  father  is  called  "dad," 
or  "poppa;"  an  uncle,  "nunkey ;"  and  a  wife,  a  "  rib,"  or  more 
pleasantly  still,  as  in  the  advertisements  for  situations,  "  an  en- 
cumbrance." 

We  will  not  allow  a  man  to  give  an  old  woman  a  dose  of 
rhubarb  if  he  have  not  acquired  at  least  half  a  dozen  sciences  ; 
but  we  permit  a  quack  to  sell  as  much  poison  as  he  pleases. 
When  one  man  runs  away  with  another's  wife,  and,  being  on 
that  account  challenged  to  fight  a  duel,  shoots  the  aggrieved 
party  through  the  head,  the  latter  is  said  to  receive  satisfaction. 

We  never  take  a  glass  of  wiiie  at  dinner  without  getting 
somebody  else  to  do  the  same,  as  if  we  wanted  encouragement ; 
and  then,  before  we  venture  to  drink,  we  bow  to  each  other 
across  the  table,  preserving  all  the  while  a  most  wonderful 
gravity.  This,  however,  it  may  be  said,  is  the  natural  result  of 
endeavoring  to  keep  one  another  in  countenance. 

The  way  in  which  we  imitate  foreign  manners  and  customs 
is  very  amusing.  Savages  stick  fish-bones  tlu'ough  their  noses ; 
our  fair  countrywomen  have  hoops  of  metal  poked  through  their 
ears.  The  Caribs  flattfen  the  forehead ;  the  Chinese  compress 
the  foot;  and  we  possess  similar  contrivances  for  reducing  the 
figure  of  a  young  lady  to  a  resemblance  to  an  hour-glass  or  a 
devil-on-two-sticks. 

There  being  no  other  assignable  motive  for  these  and  the 
like  proceedings,  it  is  reasonable  to  suppose  that  they  are  adopt- 
ed, as  schoolboys  say,  "  for  fun." 

We  could  go  on,  were  it  necessary,  adducing  facts  to  an  al- 
most unlimited  extent;  but  we  consider  that  enough  has  now 
been  said  in  proof  of  the  comic  character  of  the  national  mind. 
And  in  conclusion,  if  any  other  than  an  English  or  American 
author  can  be  produced,  equal  in  point  of  wit,  humor,  and  drol- 
lery, to  Swift,  Sterne,  Dickens,  or  Paulding,  we  hereby  engage 
to  eat  him  ;  albeit  we  have  no  pretensions  to  the  character  of 
a  "helluo  librorum." 


THE 

COMIC   ENGLISH   GRAMMAR. 


"  English  Grammar,"  according  to  Lindley  Murray, 
"is  the  art  of  speaking  and  writing  the  English  lan- 
guage with  propriety." 

The  English  language,  written  and  spoken  with  pro- 
priety, is  commonly  called  the  King's  English. 

A  monarch,  who,  three  or  four  generations  back, 
occupied  the  English  throne,  is  reported  to  have  said, 
"If  beebles  will  be  boets,  they  must  sdarve."  This 
was  a  rather  curious  specimen  of  "  King's  English." 
It  is,  however,  a  maxim  of  English  law,  that  "the 
King  can  do  no  wrong."  Whatever  bad  English, 
therefore,  may  pi'oceed  from  the  royal  mouth,  is  not 
"King's  English,"  but  "Minister's  English,"  for  whicli 
they  alone  are  responsible. 

King's  English  (or  perhaps,  under  existing  circum- 
stances it  should  be  called,  Queeii's  English)  is  the? 
current  coin  of  conversation,  to  mutilate  which,  and 
unlawfully  to  utter  the  same,  is  called  clipping  tlie 
King's  English  ;  a  high  crime  and  misdemeanor. 

Clipped  English,  or  bad  English,  is  one  variety  of 


Q  THE    COMIC    ENGLISH    GRAMMAR. 

Comic  English,  of  which  we  shall  adduce  instancea 
hereafter. 

Slipslop,  or  the  erroneous  substitution  of  one  word 
for  another,  as  "prodigy"  for  "protegee,"  "derange. 


He's  only  a  little  "  prodigy"  of  mine,  Doctor. 


ment"  for  "  arrangement,"    "  exasperate"  for  "  aspi 
rate,"  and  the  like,  is  another. 

Slang,  which  consists  in  cant  words  and  phrases,  as 
"  dodge"  for  "  sly  trick,"  "  no  go  "  for  "  failure,"  and 
" Carney"  "to  flatter,"  may  be  considered  a  third. 

Latinised  English,  or  Fine  English,  sometimes  as- 
sumes the  character  of  Comic  English,  especially 
when  applied  to  the  purposes  of  common  discourse  ; 


ORTHOGKAPHY.  7 

as  "  Extinguish  the  luminary,"  "  Agitate  the  commu- 
nicator," "Are  your  corporeal  functions  in  a  condition 
of  salubrity?"  "A  sable  visual  orb,"  "A  sanguinary 
nasal  protuberance." 

American  English  is  Comic  English  in  a  ^^  pretty 
f articular  considerable  tai'nation"  degree. 

English  Grammar  is  divided  into  four  parts — Or- 
thography, Etymology,  Syntax,  and  Prosody;  and  as 
these  are  points  that  a  good  grammarian  always  stands 
upon,  he,  particularly  when  a  pedant,  and  consequently 
somewhat  Jlat,  may  very  properly  be  compared  to  a 
table. 


PART    I. 
ORTHOGRAPHY. 

CHAPTER  I. 

OF   THE    NATURE   OF   THE    LETTERS,    AND   OF    A    COMIC 

ALPHABET. 

Orthography  is  like  a  schoolmaster,  or  instructor 
of  youth.  It  teaches  us  the  nature  and  powers  of 
letters  and  the  right  method  of  spelling  words. 

Comic  Orthography  teaches  us  the  oddity  and  ab- 
surdities of  letters,  and  the  wrong  method  of  spelling 
words.  The  following  is  an  example  of  Comic  Or- 
thography : — 


8  THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 

islinton  foteenth  of 
my  Deer  jemes  febuary  1844. 

wen  fust  i  sawed  yu  doun  the  middle  and  up  agin 
att  the  bawl  i  maid  Up  my  Mind  to  skure  you  for  my 
oan  for  i  Felt  at  once  that  my  appiness  was  at  Steak, 
and  a  sensashun  in  my  Bussum  I  coudent  no  ways 
accompt  For.  And  i  said  to  mary  at  missis  Igginses 
said  i  theres  the  Mann  for  my  money  o  ses  Shee  i  nose 
a  Sweeter  Yung  Man  than  that  Air  Do  you  sez  i  Agin 
then  thei'e  we  Agree  To  Differ,  and  we  was  sittin  by 
the  window  and  we  wos  wery  Neer  fallin  Out.  my 
deer  gemes  Sins  that  Nite  i  Havent  slept  a  Wink  and 
Wot  is  moor  to  the  Porpus  i  Have  quit  Lost  my  Happy 
tight  and  am  gettin  wus  and  wus  witch  i  Think  yu  ort 
to  pitty  Mee.  i  am  Tolled  every  Day  that  ime  Gettin 
Thinner  and  a  Jipsy  sed  that  nothin  wood  Cure  me 
But  a  Ring. 

i  wos  a  Long  time  makin  my  Mind  Up  to  rig] it  to 
You  for  of  Coarse  i  Says  jemes  will  think  me  too  forrad 
but  this  bein  Leep  yere  i  thout  ide  Make  a  Plunge, 
leastways  to  all  Them  as  dont  Want  to  Bee  old  Mades 
all  their  blessed  lives,  so  my  Deer  Jemes  if  yow  want 
a  Pardoner  for  Better  or  for  wus  nows  Your  Time 
dont  think  i  Behave  despicable  for  tis  my  Luv  for  yu 
as  makes  Me  take  this  Stepp. 

please  to  Burn  this  Letter  when  Red  and  excuse  the 
scralls  and  Blotches  witch  is  Caused  by  my  Teers  i 
remain 

till  deth  Yure  on  Happy 
Vallentine 

jane  you  No  who. 

poscrip 

nex  Sunday  Is  my  sunday  out  And  i  shall  be  Att 
the  corner  of  Wite  Street  at  a  quawter  pas  Sevn. 


ORTHOGRAPHY. 


Wen  This  U.  C. 
remember  Mee 


I  'I 


^^t/fre^f 


Now,  to  proceed  with  Orthography,  we  may  remark, 
that  a  letter  is  the  least  part  of  a  word. 

Of  a  comic  letter  an  instance  has  already  been  given. 
Dr.  Johnson's  letter  to  Lord  Chesterfield  is  a  capital 
letter. 

The  letters  of  the  Alphabet  are  the  representatives  of 
articulate  sounds. 

The  Alphabet  is  a  Republic«of  Letters. 


10  THE    COMIC    ENGLISH   GRAMMAR. 

There  are  many  things  in  this  world  erroneously  as 
well  as  vulgarly  compared  to  "  bricks."  In  the  case 
of  the  letters  of  the  Alphabet,  however,  the  compari- 
son is  just;  they  constitute  the  fabric  of  a  language, 
and  grammar  is  the  mortar.  The  wonder  is  that  there 
should  be  so  few  of  them.  The  English  letters  are 
twenty-six  in  number.  There  is  nothing  like  begin- 
ning at  the  begiiining ;  and  we  shall  now  therefore 
enumerate  them,  with  the  view  also  of  rendering  their 
insertion  subsidiary  to  mythological  instruction,  in 
conformity  with  the  plan  on  which  some  account  of 
the  Heathen  Deities  and  ancient  heroes  is  prefixed  or 
subjoined  to  a  Dictionary.  We  present  the  reader 
with  a  form  of  Alphabet  composed  in  humble  imitation 
of  that  famous  one,  which,  while  appreciable  by  the 
dullest  taste,  and  level  to  the  meanest  capacity,  is 
nevertheless  that  by  which  the  greatest  minds  have 
been  agreeably  inducted  into  knowledge. 

THE    ALPHABET. 

A  was  Apollo,  the  god  of  the  carol, 

B  stood  for  Bacchus,  astride  on  his  barrel ; 

C  for  good  Ceres,  the  goddess  of  grist, 

D  was  Diana,  that  wouldn't  be  kiss'd; 

E  was  nymph  Echo,  that  pined  to  a  sound, 

F  was  sweet  Flora,  with  buttercups  crown 'd ; 

G  was  Jove's  pot-boy,  young  Ganymede  hight, 

H  was  fair  Hebe,  his  barmaid  so  tight ; 

I,   little  lo,  turn'd  into  a  cow, 

J,  jealous  Juno,  that  spiteful  old  sow  ; 

K  was  Kitty,  more  lovely  than  goddess  or  muse  , 

L,  Lacooon — I  wouldn't  have  been  in  his  shoes ! 


ORTHOGRAPHY.  11 

M  was  blue-eyed  Minerva,  with  stockings  to  match, 

N  was  Nestor,  with  grey  beard  and  silvery  thatch  ; 

0  was  lofty  Olympus,  King  Jupiter's  shop, 

P,  Parnassus,  Apollo  hung  out  on  its  top ; 

Q  stood  for  Quirites,  the  Romans,  to  wit ; 

R,  for  rantipole  Roscius,  that  made  such  a  hit ; 

S,  for  Sappho,  so  famous  for  felo-de-se, 

T,  for  Thales  the  wise,  F.  R.  S.  and  M.  D  : 

U  was  crafty  Ulysses,  so  artful  a  dodger, 

V  was  hop-a-kick  Vulcan,  that  limping  old  codger  ; 

Wenus — Venus  I  mean — with  a  W  begins, 

(Veil,  if  I  ha7n  a  Cockney,  wot  need  of  your  grins  ?) 

X  was  Xantippe,  the  scratch-cat  and  shrew, 

Y,  I  don't  know  what  Y  was,  whack  me  if  I  do ! 

Z  was  Zeno  the  Stoic,  Zenobia  the  clever, 

And  Zoilus  the  critic,  whose  fame  lasts  forever. 

Letters  are  divided  into  Vowels  and  Consonants. 
The  vowels  are  capable  of  being  perfectly  uttered  by 
themselves.  They  are,  as  it  were,  independent  mem- 
bers of  the  Alphabet,  and  like  independent  members 
elsewhere,  form  a  small  minority.  The  vowels  are  a, 
e,  i,  0,  u,  and  sometimes  w  and  y. 

An  I.  O.  U.  is  a  more  pleasant  thing  to  have,  than 
it  is  to  give. 

A  blow  in  the  stomach  is  very  likely  to  W  up. 

W  is  a  consonant  when  it  begins  a  word,  as  "  Wick- 
ed Will  Wiggins  whacked  his  wife  with  a  whip  ;"  but 
in  every  other  place  it  is  a  vowel,  as  crawling,  drawl- 
ing, sawney,  screwing,  Jew.  Y  follows  the  same 
rule.  , 

A  consonant  is  an  articulate  sound  ;  but,  like  an 
old  bachelor,  if  it  exists  alone,  it  exists  to  no  purpose. 


12 


THE   COMIC    ENGLISH    GRAMMAR. 


It  cannot  be  perfectly  uttered  without  the  aid  of  a 
vowel ;  and  even  then  the  vowel  has  the  greatest  share 
in  the  production  of  the  sound.  Thus  a  vowel  joined 
to  a  consonant  becomes,  so  to  speak,  a  "  better  half:" 
or  at  all  events  very  strongly  resembles  one. 

A  dipthong  is  the  union  of  two  vowels  in  one  sound, 
as  ea  in  heavy,  eu  in  Meux,  ou  in  stout. 

A  tripthong  is  a  similar  union  of  three  vowels,  as 
eau  in  the  word  beau  ;  a  term  applied  to  dandies,  and 
addressed  to  geese :  probably  because  they  are  bix'ds 
of  a  feather. 

A  proper  dipthong  is  that  in  which  the  sound  is 
formed  by  both  the  vowels  :  as,  aw  in  awkward,  ou  in 
lout. 


ORTHOGRAPHY.  13 

An  improper  dipthong  is  that  in  which  the  sound  is 
formed  by  one  of  the  vowels  only,  as  ea  in  heartless. 
oa  in  hoax. 

According  to  our  notions  there  are  a  great  many 
improper  dipthongs  in  common  use.  By  improper 
dipthongs  we  mean  vowels  unwarrantably  dilated  into 
dipthongs,  and  dipthongs  mispronounced,  in  defiance 
of  good  English. 

For  instance,  the  rustics  and  dandies  say, — 

"  Loor  !  whaut  a  foine  gaal !     Moy  oy !" 

"  Whaut  a  precious  soight  of  crows  !" 

"  As  I  was  a  comin'  whoam  through  the  corn  fiddles 
(fields)  I  met  Willum  Jones." 

"  I  sor  (saw)  him." 

"  Dror  (draw)  it  out." 

"  Hold  your  jor  (jaw)." 

"I  caun't.  You  shaun't.  How's  your  Maw  and 
Paw  ?     Do  you  like  taut  (tart)  ?" 

We  have  heard  young  ladies  remark, — 

"  Oh,  my !     What  a  naice  young  man  !" 

'•  What  a  bee — eautiful  day  !" 

"  I'm  so  fond  of  dayncing  !" 

Again,  dandies  fi'equently  exclaim, — 

"  I'm  postively  tiawed  (tired)." 

"  What  a  sweet  tempaw  !  (temper)." 

"  How  daughty  (dirty)  the  streets  au  !" 

And  they  also  call, — 

Literature,  "  literetchah." 

Perfectly,  "  pawfacly." 

Disgusted,  "  disgasted." 

Sky,  "  ske — eye." 

Blue,  "ble— ew." 

We  might  here  insert  a  few  remarks  on  the  nature 


14 


THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 


of  the  human  voice,  and  of  the  mechanism  by  means 
of  which  articulation  is  performed ;  but  besides  our 
dislike  to  prolixity,  we  are  afraid  of  getting  down  in 
the  mouth,  and  thereby  going  the  wrong  way  to  please 
our  readers.  We  may  nevertheless  venture  to  invite 
attention  to  a  few  comical  peculiarities  in  connection 
with  articulate  sounds. 

Ahem  !  at  the  commencement  of  a  speech,  is  a 
sound  agreeably  droll. 

The  vocal  comicalities  of  the  infant  in  arms  are 
exceedingly  laughable,  but  we  are  unfortunately  una- 
ble to  spell  them. 

The  articulation  of  the  Jew  is  peculiarly  ridiculous. 
The  "  peoplesh "  are  badly  spoken  of,  and  not  well 
spoken. 

Bawling,  croaking,  hissing,  whistling,  and  grunting, 
are  elegant  vocal  accomplishments. 

Lisping,  as,  Ihweet,  Dthooliur,  thawming,  kwecchau, 
is  by  some  considered  interesting,  by  others  absurd. 

But  of  all  the  sounds  which  proceed  from  the  human 
mouth,  by  far  the  funniest  are  Ha!  ha!  ha! — Ho!  ho! 
ho  !  and  He  !  he  !  he ! 


mm 


ORTHOGRAPHY. 


15 


CHAPTER  II. 


OF  SYLLABLES. 

Syllable  is  a  nice  word,  it  sounds  so  much  like 
syllabub ! 

A  syllable,  whether  it  constitute  a  word  or  part  of  a 
word,  is  a  sound,  either  simple  or  compound,  produced 
by  one  effort  of  the  voice,  as,  "  O !,  what,  a,  lavk  ! 
— Here,  we,  are  !" 


Spelling  is  the  art  of  putting  together  the  letters 
which  compose  a  syllable,  or  the  syllables  which  com- 
pose a  word. 

Comic  spelling  is  usually  the  work  of  imagination. 


16  THE    COMIC   ENGLISH   GRAMMAR. 

The  chief  rule  to  be  observed  in  this  kind  of  spelling, 
is,  to  spell  every  word  as  it  is  pronounced  ;  though 
the  rule  is  not  universally  observed  by  comic  spellers. 
The  following  example,  for  the  genuineness  of  which 
we  can  vouch,  is  one  so  singularly  apposite,  that  al- 
though we  have  ali'eady  submitted  a  similar  specimen 
of  orthography  to  the  reader,  we  are  irresistibly  tempt- 
ed to  make  a  second  experiment  on  his  indulgence. 
The  epistolary  curiosity,  then,  which  we  shall  now 
proceed  to  transcribe,  was  addressed  by  a  patient  to 
his  medical  adviser. 

"Sir, 

"  My  Granmother  wos  very  much  trubeld  With 
the  Gout  and  dide  with  it  my  father  wos  also  and  dide 
with  it  when  i  wos  14  years  of  age  i  wos  in  the  habbet 
of  Gettin  whet  feet  Every  Night  by  pumping  water 
out  of  a  Celler  Wicn  Cas  me  to  have  the  tipes  fever 
wich  Cas  my  Defness  when  i  was  23  of  age  i  fell  in 
the  Water  betwen  the  ice  and  i  have. Bin  in  the  habbel 
of  Gettin  wet  when  traviling  i  have  Bin  trubbeld  with 
Gout  for  seven  years 

"  Your  most  humbel 
"  Servent 


Among  the  various  kinds  of  spelling  may  be  enu- 
merated spelling  for  a  favor ;  or  giving  what  is  called 
a  broad  hint. 

Certain  rules  for  the  division  of  words  mto  syllables 
are  laid  down  in  some  grammars,  and  we  should  be 
very  glad  to  follow  the  established  usage,  but  limited 
as  we  are  by  considerations  of  comicality  and  space, 


ORTHOGRAPHY.  17 

we  cannot  afford  to  give  more  than  two  very  general 
directions.  If  you  do  not  know  how  to  spell  a  word, 
look  it  out  in  the  dictionary,  and  if  you  have  no  dic- 
tionary by  you,  write  the  word  in  such  a  way,  that, 
while  it  may  be  guessed  at,  it  shall  not  be  legible. 


CHAPTER  III. 

OF    "WORDS    IN    GENERAL. 

There  is  no  one  question  that  we  are  aware  of  more 
puzzling  than  this,  "  What  is  your  opinion  of  things  in 
general  ?"  Words  in  general  are,  fortunately  for  us, 
a  subject  on  which  the  formation  of  an  opinion  is 
somewhat  more  easy.  Words  stand  for  things :  they 
are  a  sort  of  counters,  checks,  bank-notes,  and  some- 
times, indeed,  they  are  notes  for  which  people  get  a 
great  deal  of  money.  Such  words,  however,  are,  alas ! 
not  generally  English  words,  but  Italian.  Strange! 
that  so  much  should  be  given  for  a  mere  song.  It  is 
quite  clear  that  the  givers,  whatever  may  be  their  pre- 
tensions to  a  refined  or  literary  taste,  must  be  entirely 
unacquainted  with  Wordsworth. 

Fine  words  are  oily  en^ough,  and  he  who  uses  them 
is  vulgarly  said  to  "cut  it  fat;"  but  for  all  that  it  is 
well  known  that  they  will  not  butter  parsnips. 

Some  say  that  words  are  but  wind :  for  this  reason, 
when  people  are  having  words,  it  is  often  said,  that 
"the  wind's  up." 

2 


18  THE   COMIC    ENGLISH   GRAMMAR. 

Different  words  please  different  people.  Philoso- 
phers are  fond  of  hard  words;  pedants  of  tough  words, 
long  words,  and  crackjaw  words;  bullies,  of  rough 
words ;  boasters,  of  big  words ;  the  rising  generation, 
of  slang  words  ;  fashionable  people,  of  French  words ; 
wits,  of  sharp  words  and  smart  words;  and  ladies,  of 
nice  words,  sweet  words,  soft  words,  and  soothing 
woids;  and,  inde3d,  of  words  in  general. 

Words  (when  spoken)  are  articulate  sounds  used  by 
common  consent  as  signs  of  our  ideas. 

A  word  of  one  syllable  is  called  a  Monosyllable  :  as, 
you,  are,  a,  great,  oaf. 

A  word  of  two  syllables  is  named  a  Dissyllable ;  as, 
cat-gut,  mu-sic. 

A  word  of  three  syllables  is  termed  a  Trisyllable ; 
as,  Mag-net-ism,  Mum-mer-y. 

A  word  of  four  or  more  syllables  is  entitled  a  Poly- 
syllable ;  as,  in-ter-mi-na-ble,  cir-cum-lo-cu-ti-on,  ex- 
as-pe-ra-ted,  func-ti-o-na-ry,  met-ro-po-li-tan,  ro-tun- 
di-ty. 

Words  of  more  syllables  than  one  are  sometimes 
comically  contracted  into  one  syllable  ;  .as,  in  s'pose 
for  suppose,  b'lieve  for  believe,  and  'seuse  for  excuse : 
here,  perhaps,  'buss,  abbreviated  from  omnibus,  de- 
serves to  be  mentioned. 

In  like  manner,  many  long  words  are  elegantly 
trimmed  and  shortened ;  as,  ornary  for  ordinary, 
'strornary  for  extraordinary,  and  curosity  for  curi- 
osity ;  to  which  mysterus  for  mysterious  may  also  be 
added. 

Polysyllables  are  an  essential  element  in  the  sub. 
lime,  both  in  poetry  and  in  prose ;  but  especially  in 


OUTHOGKAPHY. 


19 


that  species  of  the  sublime  which  borders  very  closely 
on  the  ridiculous  ;  as, 

"  Aldiborontiphoscophormio, 
Where  left's  thou  Chrononhotonthologos  ? 


All  words  are  either  primitive  or  derivative.  A 
primitive  word  is  that  which  cannot  be  reduced  to  any 
simpler  word  in  the  language;  as,  brass,  York,  knave. 
A  derivative  word,  under  the  head  of  which  compound 
words  are  also  included,  is  that  which  may  be  reduced 
to  another  and  a  more  simple  word  in  the  English  lan- 
guage ;  as,  brazen,  Yorkshire,  knavery,  mud-lark, 
lighterman.  Broadbrim  is  a  derivative  word;  but  it 
is  one  often  applied  to  a. 'v ery  priinitive  kind  of  person. 


20  THE    COMIC    ENGLISH   GRAMMAR. 

PART  II. 
ETYMOLOGY. 

CHAPTER  I. 

A  COMICAL  VIEW  OF  THE  PARTS  OF  SPEECH. 

Etymology  teaches  the  varieties,  modifications,  and 
derivation  of  words. 

The  derivation  of  words  means  that  which  they 
come  from  as  toards  j  for  what  they  come  from  as 
sounds,  is  another  matter.  Some  words  come  from  the 
heart,  and  then  they  are  pathetic ;  others  from  the 
nose,  in  which  case  they  are  ludicrous.  The  funniest 
place,  however,  from  which  words  can  come  is  the 
stomach.  By  the  way,  the  Mayor  would  do  well  to 
keep  a  ventriloquist,  from  whom,  at  a  moment's  notice, 
he  might  ascertain  the  voice  of  the  corporation. 

Comic  Etymology  teaches  us  the  varieties,  modifica- 
tions, and  derivation,  of  words  invested  with  a  comic 
character. 

Grammatically  speaking,  we  say  that  there  are,  in 
English,  as  many  sorts  of  words  as  a  cat  is  said  to  have 
lives,  nine  ;  namely,  the  Article,  the  Substantive  or 
Noun,  the  Adjective,  the  Pronoun,  the  Verb,  the  Ad- 
verb, the  Preposition,  the  Conjunction,  and  the  Inter- 
jection. 

Comically  speaking,  there  are  a  great  many  sorts  of 
words  which  we  have  not  room  enough  to  particularise 
individually.  We  can  therefore  only  afford  to  classify 
them.    For  instance  ;  there  are  words  which  are  spoken 


ETYMOLOGY.  21 

in  the  Low  Countries,  and  are  High  Dutch  to  persons  of 
quality. 

Words  in  use  amongst  all  those  who  have  to  do  with 
horses. 

Words  that  pass  between  rival  cab-men. 

Words  spoken  in  a  state  of  intoxication. 

Words  uttered  under  excitement. 

Words  of  endearment,  addressed  by  parents  to  chil- 
dren in  arms. 

Similar  words,  sometimes  called  burning,  tender,  soft, 
and  broken  words,  addressed  to  young  ladies,  and 
"Hvhispered,  lisped,  sighed,  or  drawled,  accoi'ding  to  cir- 
cumstances. 

Words  of  honor  ;  as,  tailors'  words  and  shoemakers' 
words ;  which,  like  the  above-mentioned,  or  lovers' 
words,  are  very  often  broken. 

With  many  other  sorts  of  words,  which  will  be  readily 
suggested  by  the  reader's  fancy. 

But  now  let  us  go  on  with  the  parts  of  speech. 

1.  An  Article  is  a  word  prefixed  to  substantives  to 
point  them  out,  and  to  show  the  extent  of  their  meaning ; 
as,  a  dandy,  an  ape,  the  simpleton. 

One  kind  of  comic  article  is  otherwise  denominated 
an  oddity,  or  queer  article. 

Another  kind  of  comic  article  is  often  to  be  met  with 
in  some  of  our  monthly  magazines. 

2.  A  Substantive  or  Noun  is  the  name  of  anything 
that  exists,  or  of  which  we  have  any  notion  ;  as,  tinker, 
tailor,  soldier,  sailor,  apothecary,  ploughhoy,  thief. 

Now  the  above  definition  of  a  substantive  is  Lindley 
Murray's,  not  ours.  We  mention  this,  because  we 
have  an  objection,  though,  not,  perhaps,  a  serious  one, 


22  THE    COMIC    ENGLISH   GRAMMAR. 

to  urge  against  it ;  for,  in  the  first  place,  we  have  "  n« 
notion"  of  Impudence,  and  yet  impudence  is  a  substan- 
tive ;  and,  in  the  second,  we  invite  attention  to  the  fol- 
lowing piece  of  Logic, 

A  substantive  is  something, 

But  nothing  is  a  substantive  ; 

Therefore,  nothing  is  something. 
A  substantive  i.'>.ay  generally  be  known  by  its  taking 
an  article  before  it,  and  by  its  making  sense  of  itself; 
as,  a  treat,  the  muIUgruls,  an  ache. 

3.  An  Adjective  is  a  word  joined  to  a  substantive  to 
denote  its  quality  ;  as  a  ragged  regiment,  an  odd  set. 

You  may  distinguish  an  adjective  by  its  making 
sense  with  the  word  thing  :  as,  a  poor  thing,  a  su-cet 
thing,  a  cool  thing  ;  or  with  any  particular  substantive, 
as  a  ticklish  position,  an  awkward  mistake,  a  strange  step. 

4.  A  Pronoun  is  a  word  used  in  lieu  of  a  noun,  in 
order  to  avoid  tautology  ;  as,  "  The  man  wants  calves; 
he  is  a  lath  ;  he  is  a  walking-stick." 

5.  A  Verb  is  a  word  which  signifies  to  be,  to  do, 
or  to  suffer  :  as,  I  am  ;  I  calculate;  I  am  fixed. 

A  verb  may  usually  be  distinguished  by  its  making 
sense  with  a  personal  pronoun, j3r  with  the  word  to 
before  it :  as  I  yell,  he  grins,  they  caper ;  or  to  drink,  to 
smoke,  to  cheio. 

Fashionable  accomplishments  ! 

Certain  substantives  are,  with  peculiar  elegance,  and 
by  persons  wlio  call  themselves  genteel,  converted  into 
"verbs  :  as,  "  Do  you  wine?"     "  Will  you  liquor  ?" 

6.  An  Adverb  is  a  part  of  speech  which,  joined  to  a 
verb,  an  adjective,  or  another  adverb,  serves  to  express 
5"rre  quality  or  circumstance  concerning  it :  as,  "  Sho 


ETYMOLOGY. 


23 


swears  dreadfully  ;  she  is  incorrigibly  lazy ;  and  she  is 
almost  continually  in  liquor." 

7.  An  Adverb  is  generally  characterised  by  answer- 
ing to  the  question,  How  ?  how  much  ?  wlien  ?  or 
where  ?  as  in  the  verse,  "  Merrily  danced  the  Quaker's 
wife,"  the  answer  to  the  question.  How  did  she  dance? 
is,  merrily. 

8.  Prepositions  serve  to  connect  words  together,  and 
to  show  the  relation  between  them  :  as, 

"  Off  with  his  head,  so  muchybr  Buckingham!" 

9.  A  Conjunction  is  used  to  connect  not  only  words, 
but  sentences  also  :  as.  Smith  and  Jones  are  happy  be- 
cause  they  are  single.     A  miss  is  a^rgood  ae  a  mile- 


EIKCLE  BLESSEDNESS 


24 


THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 


10.  An  Interjection  is  a  short  word  denoting  passion 
or  emotion:  as,  '  Oh,  Sophonisba  T  Sophonisba,  oh!" 
Pshaw!  Pish!  Pooh!  Bah!  Ah!  Au !  Eughph  !  Yaw! 
Hum!  Ha!  Lauk!  La!  Lor!  Heigho!  Well!  There! 
&c. 


Oh  !  Sir,  stop  that  do; 


Among  the  foregoing  intoijections  there  may,  per- 
haps, be  some  unhonored  by  the  adoption  of  genius,  and 
unknown  in  the  domains  of  literature.  For  the  present 
notice  of  them  some  apology  may  be  required,  but  little 
will  be  given  ;  their  insertion  may  excite  astonishment, 
but  their  omission  would  have  provoked  complaint : 
though  unprovided  with  a  Johnsonian  title  to  a  place  in 
the  English  vocabulary,  they  have  long  been  recognised 
by  the  popular  voice  ;  and  let  it  be  remembered,  that 
as  custom  supplies  the  defects  of  legislation,  so  that 
which  is  not  sanctioned  by  magisterial  authority  may 
nevertheless  be  justified  by  vernacular  usage. 


ETYMOLOGY.  25 

CHAPTER  II. 

OF    THE    ARTICLES. 

The  Articles  in  English  are  two,  a  and  tJie  j  a  be- 
comes an  before  a  vowel,  and  before  an  h  which  is  no* 
sounded  :  as,  an  exquisite,  an  hour-glass.  But  if  the  k 
be  pronounced,  the  a  only  is  used  :  as,  a  homicide,  a 
homoepathist,  a  hum. 

A  or  an  is  called  the  indefinite  article,  because  it  is 
used,  in  a  vague  sense,  to  point  out  some  one  thing  be- 
longing to  a  certain  kind,  but  in  other  respects  indetei*- 
minate ;  as, 

"  A  horse,  a  horse,  my  kingdom  for  a  horse  !" 

So  say  grammarians.  Eating-house  keepers  tell  a 
different  story.  A  cheese,  in  common  discourse,  means 
an  object  of  a  certain  shape,  size,  weight,  and  so  on, 
entire  and  perfect;  so  that  to  call  half  a  cheese  a 
cheese,  would  constitute  a  flaw  in  an  indictment  against 
a  thief  who  had  stolen  one.  But  a  waiter  will  term  a 
fraction,  or  a  modicum  of  cheese,  a  cheese  ;  a  plate- 
full  of  pudding,  a  pudding  ;  and  a  stick  of  celery,  a 
salary.  Here  we  are  reminded  of  the  famous  excla- 
mation of  one  of  these  gentry  : — "Sir  !  there's  two  teas 
and  a  brandy-and-water  just  sloped  without  paying  !" 

The  is  termed  the  definite  article,  inasmuch  as  it  de- 
notes what  particular  thing  or  things  are  meant  as, 
"  The  miller  he  stole  corn. 
The  weaver  he  stole  yarn, 
And  the  little  tailor  he  stole  broad-cloth 
To  keep  the  three  rogues  warm." 

A  substantive  to  which  no  article  is  prefixed  is  taken 


OQ  THE    COMIC    ENGLISH   GRAMMAR. 

in  a  general  sense;  as,  "Apple  sauce  is   proper  for 
goose  ;"  that  is,  for  all  geese. 


APPLE-SAUCE. 


A  few  additional  remarks  may  advantageously  be 
made  with  respect  to  the  articles.  The  mere  substitu- 
tion of  the  definite  for  the  indefinite  article  is  capable 
of  changing  entirely  the  meaning  of  a  sentence.  "  That 
is  a  ticket"  is  the  assertion  of  a  certain  fact ;  but  "  That 
is  the  ticket !"  means  something  which  is  quite  different. 

The  article  is  not  prefixed  to  a  proper  name  ;  as, 
Stubbs,  Wiggins,  Brown  or  Hobson,  except  for  the  sake 
of  distinguishing  a  particular  family,  or  description  of 
persons  ;  as.  He  is  a  Burke  ;  that  is,  one  of  the  Burkes, 
or  a  person  resembling  Burke. 


ETYMOLOGY. 


87 


The  definite  article  is  frequently  used  with  adverbs 
in  the  comparative  and  superlative  degree  :  as,  "  The 
longer  I  live,  the  taller,  I  grow  ;"  or,  as  we  have  all 
heard  the  showman  say,   "  This  here,  gentlemen  and 


OJ(J'o(. 


28  THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 

ladies,  is  the  vonderful  heagle  of  the  sun ;  the  'otterer 
it  grows,  the  higherer  he  flies  !" 


CHAPTER  III. 

SECTION  I. 

OF  SUBSTANTIVES  IN  GENERAL. 

Substantives  are  either  proper  or  common. 

Proper  names,  or  substantives,  are  the  names  be- 
longing to  individuals  :  as  William,  Birmingham. 

These  are  sometimes  converted  into  nicknames,  or 
improper  names  :  as  Bill,  Brummagem. 

Common  names,  or  substantive?,  denote  kinds  con 
taining  many  sorts,  or  sorts  containing  many  individuals 
under  them  •  as  brute,  beast,  bumpkin,  cherub,  infant, 
goblin,  &;c. 

Proper  names,  when  an  article  is  prefixed  to  them, 
are  employed  as  connnon  names :  as,  "  They  thought 
him  a  perfect  Chesterfield ;  he  quite  astonished  the 
Broivjis." 

Common  names,  on  the  other  hand,  are  made  to  de- 
note individuals,  by  the  addition  of  ai'ticles  or  pro- 
nouns :  as, 

"  There  was  a  little  man,  and  he  had  a  little  gun." 

"  That  boy  will  be  the  death  of  me!" 

Substantives    are    considered    according  to  gender, 
Eumber,   and  case ;  they  are  all   of  the   third  person 
when  spoken  of,  and  of  the  second  when  spoken  to  :  as, 
Matilda,  fairest  maid,  who  art 
In  countless  bumoers  toasted, 


ETl^MOLOGrf. 


O  let  thy  pity  baste  the  heart 
Thy  fatal  charms  have  roasted  ! 


29 


||j^l!(i'    -Iv;!!!;], 


SECTION  II. 


OF  GENDER. 


The  distinction  between  noui/s  with  regard  to  sex  is 
called  Gender.  There  are  three  genders  :  the  Mascu- 
line, the  Feminine,  and  the  Neuter, 

The  masculine  gender  belongs  to  animals  of  the  male 
kind:  as,  a  fop,  a  jackass,  a  boar,  a  poet,  a  lion. 

The  feminine  gender  is  peculiar  to  animals  of  the  fe- 
male kind :  as,  a  poetess,  a  lioness,  a  goose. 


30 


THE    COMIC    ENGLISH    GRAMMAR. 


The  neuter  gender  is  that  of  objects  which  are 
neither  male^  nor  females  :  as,  a  toast,  a  tankard,  a 
pot,  a  pipe,  a  pudding,  a  pie,  a  sausage,  &c.  &c.  &c. 

We  might  go  on  to  enumerate  an  infinity  of  objects  of 
the  neuter  gender,  of  all  sorts  and  kinds  ;  but  in  the  se- 
lection of  the  foregoing  examples  we  have  been  guided 
by  two  considerations  : — 

1.  The  desire  of  exciting  agreeable  emotions  in  the 
mind  of  the  reader. 

2,  The  wish  to  illustrate  the  following  proposition, 
*'  That  almost  everything  nice  is  also  neuter." 

Except,  however,  a  nice  young  lady,  a  nice  duck, 
and  one  or  two  other  nice  things,  which  we  do  not  at 
present  remember. 

Some  neuter  substantives  are  by  a  figure  of  speech 
converted  into  the  masculine  or  feminine  gender  :  thus 
we  say  of  the  sun,  that  when  he  shines  upon  a  Socialist, 
he  shines  upon  a  thief;  and  of  the  moon,  that  she  affects 
the  minds  of  lovers. 


ETYMOLOGY. 


31 


There  are  certain  nouns  with  which  notions  of 
strength,  vigor,  and  the  lilve  qualities,  are  more  par- 
ticularly connected ;  and  these  are  the  neuter  substan- 
tives which  are  figuratively  rendered  masculine.  On 
the  other  hand,  beauty,  amiability,  and  so  forth,  are 
held  to  invest  words  with  a  feminine  character.  Thus 
the  sun  is  said  to  be  masculine,  and  the  moon  feminine. 
But  for  our  own  part,  and  our  view  is  confirmed  by  the 
discoveries  of  astronomy,  we  believe  that  the  sun  is 
called  masculine  from  his  supporting  and  sustaining  the 


"  Shan't  I  Bhiae  to-uight,  doai  V 


S2  THE    COMIC    ENGLISH    GRAMMAR. 

moon,  and  finding  her  the  wherewithal  to  shine  away 
as  she  does  of  a  night,  when  all  quiet  people  are  in  bed; 
and  from  his  being  obliged  to  keep  such  a  family  of  stars 
besides.  The  moon,  we  think,  is  accounted  feminine, 
because  she  is  thus  maintained  and  kept  up  in  her  splen- 
dor, like  a  fine  lady,  by  her  husband  the  sun.  Further, 
more,  the  moon  is  continually  changing ;  on  which  ac- 
count alone  she  might  be  referred  to  the  feminine  gen- 
der. The  earth  is  feminine,  tricked  out,  as  she  is,  with 
gems  and  flowers.  Cities  and  towns  are  likewise  fem- 
inine, because  there  are  as  many  windings,  turnings, 
and  little  odd  corners  in  them  as  there  are  in  the  female 
mind,  A  ship  is  feminine,  inasmuch  as  she  is  blown 
about  by  every  wind.  Virtue  is  feminihe  by  courtesy. 
Fortune  and  7nishrtune,  like  mother  and  daughter,  are 
both  feminine.  The  Church  is  feminine,  because  she  is 
married  to  the  state  ;  or  married  to  the  state  because  she 
is  feminine — we  do  not  know  which.  Time  is  mascu- 
line, because  he  is  so  trifled  with  by  the  ladies. 

The  English  language  distinguishes  the  sex  in  three 
manners  ;  namely, 

1.  By  different  words;  as, 

MALE.  FEMALE. 

Bachelor  Maid. 

Brother  Sister. 

Wizard  Witch. 

Father  Mother,  &c. 

And  several  other 

Words  we  don't  mention, 
(Pray  pardon  the  crime,) 
^  Worth  your  attention. 

But  wanting  in  rhyme. 


ETYMOLOGY.  38 

2.  By  a  difTerence  of  termination  ;  as, 

MALE,  FEMALE. 

Poet  Poetess. 

Lion  Lioness,  &c. 

3.  By  a  noun,  pronoun,  or  adjective  being  prefixed 
to  the  substantive  j  as, 

MALE.  FEMALE. 

A  cock-lobster  A  hen-lobster. 

A  jack-ass  A  jenny-ass  (vernacular.) 

A  man-servant,  A  maid-servant, 

or  flunkey.  or  Abigail. 

A  male  flirt  (a  A  female  flirt  (a 

rare  animal.)  common  animal.) 

We  have  heard  it  said,  that  every  Jack  has  his  Jill. 
That  may  be  ;  but  it  is  by  no  means  true  that  every 
cock  has  his  hen  ;  for  there  is  a 

Cock-swain,  but  no  Hen-swain. 
Cock-eye,  but  no  Hen-eye. 
Cock-ade,  but  no  Hen-ade. 
Cock-atrice,  but  no  Hen-atrice. 
Cock-horse,  but  no  Hen-horse. 
Cock-ney,  but  no  Hen-ney. 

Then  we  have  a  weather-cock,  but  no  weather-hen , 
a  turn-cock,  but  no  turn-hen  ;  and  many  a  jolly  cock, 
but  not  one  jolly  hen  ;  unless  we  except  some  of  those 
by  whom  their  mates  are  pecked. 

Some  words ;  as,  parent,  child,  cousin,  friend,  neigh- 
bour, servant  and  several  others,  are  either  male  or  fe- 
male, according  to  circumstances. 

It  is  a  great  pity  that  our  language  is  so  poor  in  the 
terminations  thai  denote  gender.     Were  we  to  say  of  a 

3 


94         THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 

woman  that  she  is  a  rogue,  a  knave,  a  scamp,  or  a 
vagabond,  we  feel  that  we  should  use,  not  only  strong 
but  improper  expressions.  Yet  we  have  no  correspon- 
ding terms  to  apply,  in  case  of  necessity,  to  the  female. 
Why  is  this  ?  Doubtless  because  we  never  want  them. 
For  the  same  reason,  our  forefathers  transmitted  to  us 
the  words,  philosopher,  astronomer,  philologer,  and  so 
forth,  without  any  feminine  equivalent.  Alas  !  for  the 
wisdom  of  our  ancestors !  They  never  calculated  on 
the  March  of  Intellect. 


SECTION  III. 

OF  NUMBER. 

Number  is  the  consideration  of  an  object  as  one  or 
more  ;  as,  one  poet,  two,  three,  four,  five  poets  ;  and  so 
on,  ad  infinitum. 

The  singular  number  expresses  one  object  onlj  ,  as 
a  towel,  a  viper. 

The  plural  signifies  more  objects  than  one;  as, 
towels,  vipers. 

Some  nouns  are  used  only  in  the  singular  nurnber; 

dirt,  pitch,  tallow,  grease,  filth,  butter,  asparagus,  &c.; 

others  only  in  the  plural ;  as,  galligaskins,  breeches,  &c , 

Some   words   are   the   same   in   both  numbers;   a& 

sheep,  swine,  and  some  others. 

The  plural  number  of  nouns  is  usually  formed  b]- 
adding  s  to  the  singular;  as,  dove,  doves,  love,  love.>, 
&;c. 

Julia,  dove  returns  to  dove, 
Quid  pro  quo,  and  love  for  love  ; 
Happy  in  our  mutual  loves, 
Let  us  live  like  turtle  doves  ! 


ETYMOLOGY. 


When,  however,  the  substantive  singular  ends  la  x, 
ch  soft,  sh,  ss,  or  s,  we  add  es  in  the  plural. 
But  remember,  though  box 

In  the  plural  makes  boxes. 
That  the  plural  of  ox 
Should  be  oxen,  not  oxes. 


-,   SECTION  IV. 

OF  CASE. 

There  is  nearly  as  much  difference  between  Latin 
and  English  substantives,  with  respect  to  the  number 
of  cases  pertaining  to  each,  as  there  is  between  a 


36 


THE    COMIC    ENGLISH    GRAMMAR. 


quack-doctor  and  a  physician  ;  for  while  in  Latin  sub- 
stantives  have  six  cases,  in  English  they  have  but 
three.  But  the  analogy  should  not  be  strained  too  far  ; 
for  the  fools  in  the  world  (who  furnish  the  quack  with 
his  cases)  more  than  double  the  number  of  the  wise. 


A  VERY   BAD   CASE. 


The  cases  of  substantives  are  these :  the  Nominative, 
the  Possessive  or  Genitive,  and  the  Objective  or  Accu- 
sative. 

The  Nominative  Case  merely  expresses  the  name 
of  a  thing,  or  the  subject  of  the  verb  :  as,  "  The  doc- 
tors differ  ;" — "The  patient  dies  !'k 

Possession,  which  is  nine  points  of  the  law,  is  what 
is  signified  by  the  Possessive  Case.  This  case  is  dis- 
tinguished by  an  apostrophe,  with  the  letter  s  subjoined 
to  it :  as,  "My  souPs  idol !" — "  A  pudding's  end." 


ETYMOLOGY.  87 

But  when  the  plural  ends  in  s,  the  apostrophe  only 
is  retained,  and  the  other  s  is  omitted:  as,  ''The  Minis- 
ters'Step;" — "The  Rogues'  March;" — "Crocodiles' 
tears  ;" — "Butchers'  mourning." 

When  the  singular  terminates  in  ss,  the  letter  s  is 
sometimes,  in  like  manner,  dispensed  with:  as,  "For 
goodness' sake  !" — "For  righteousness' sake  !"  Nev- 
ertheless, we  have  no  objection  to  "  Burgess's"  Stout. 

The  Objective  Case  follows  a  verb  active,  and  ex- 
presses the  object  of  an  action,  or  of  a  relation  :  as 
"Spring  beat  Bill ;"  that  is,  Bill  or  "William  JVeaie." 
Hence,  perhaps,  the  phrase,  "I'll  lick  you  elegant.'^ 

The  Objective  Case  is  also  used  with  a  preposition : 
as,  "You  are  in  a  mess." 

English  substantives  may  be  declined  in  the  follow- 
ing manner : 

SINGULAR. 

What  IS  the  nominative  case 

Of  her  who  used  to  wash  your  face. 

Your  hair  to  comb,  your  boots  to  lace  ? 

A  mother/ 
What  the  possessive?     Whose  the  slap 
That  taught  you  not  to  spill  your  pap. 
Or  to  avoid  a  like  mishap  ? 

A  mother'' s  ! 

And  shall  I  the  objective  show  ? 
What  do  I  hear  where'er  I  go? 
How  is  your  ? — whom  they  mean  I  know. 

My  mother  ! 

PLURAL. 

Who  are  the  anxious  watchers  o'er 
The  slumbers  of  a  little  bore, 


88i  THE   COMIC    ENGLISH   GRAMMAR. 

That  screams  whene'er  it  doesn't  snore  ? 

Why,  mothers  ! 
Whose  pity  wipes  its  piping  eyes, 
And  stills  maturer  childhood's  cries. 
Stopping  its  mouth  with  cakes  and  pies  ? 

Oh !  mother's  ! 
And  whom,  when  master,  fierce  and  fell, 
Dusts  truant  varlets'  jackets  well. 
Whom  do  they,  roaring,  run  and  tell  ? 

Their  mothers  t 


CHAPTER  IV. 

OF     ADJECTIVES. 
SECTION  I. 

OF  THE  NATURE  OF  ADJECTIVES  AND  THE  DEGREES  OF  COMPARISON. 

An  English  Adjective,  whatever  may  be  its  gender, 
number,  or  case,  like  a  rusty  weathercock,  never  varies. 
Thus  we  say,  "A  certain  cabinet;  certain  rogues." 

But  as  a  rusty  weathercock  may  vary  in  being  more 
or  less  rusty,  so  an  adjective  varies  in  the  degrees  of 
comparison. 

The  degrees  of  comparison,  like  the  Genders,  the 
Graces,  the  Fates,  the  Kings  of  Cologne,  the  Weird 
Sisters,  and  many  other  things,  are  three  ;  the  Positive, 
the  Comparative,  and  the  Superlative. 

The  Positive  state  simply  expresses  the  quality  of 
an  object ;  as,  fat,  ugly,  foolish. 

The  Comparative  degree   increases  or  lessens   the 


ETYMOLOGY.  59 

signification  of  the  positive  ;  as  fatter,  uglier,  more 
foolish,  less  foolish. 

The  Superlative  decree  increases  or  lessens  the  posi- 
tive to  the  highest  or  lowest  degree ;  as  fattest,  ugliest, 
most  foolish,  least  foolish. 

Amongst  the  ancients,  Ulysses  must  have  been  the 
fattest,  because  nobody  could  compass  him. 

Aristides  the  Just  was  the  ugliest,  because  he  was  so 
very  plain. 

The  most  foolish,  undoubtedly,  was  Homer ;  for  who 
was  more  natural  than  he  ? 

The  positive  becomes  the  comparative  by  the  addi- 
tion of  r  or  er  ;  and  the  superlative  by  the  addition  of 
St  or  est  to  the  end  of  it ;  as,  brown,  browner,  brown- 
est ;  stout,  stouter,  stoutest ;  heavy,  heavier,  heaviest ; 
wet,  wetter,  wettest.  The  adverbs  more,  and  ynost,  pre- 
fixed to  the  adjective,  also  form  the  superlative  degree  ; 
as,  heavy,  more  heavy,  most  heavy. 

Monosyllables  are  usually  compared  by  er  and  est, 
and  dissyllables  hj  more  and  most;  except  dissyllables 
ending  in  y  or  in  le  before  a  mute,  or  those  which  are 
accented  on  the  last  syllable ;  for  these,  like  monosyl- 
lables, easily  admit  of  er  and  est.  But  these  termina- 
tions are  scarcely  ever  used  in  comparing  words  of 
more  than  two  syllables. 

We  have  some  words,  which,  from  custom,  are  ir- 
regular  in  respect  of  comparison ;  as,  good,  better, 
best;  bad,  worse,  worst,  &c.;  but  the  Yankee's  "no- 
tion" of  comparison  was  decidedly  funny ;  "  My  uncle's 
a  tarnation  rogue ;  but  I'm  a  tarnationer." 


40  THE   COMIC   ENGLISH   GRAMMAR. 

SECTION  II. 

A    FEW    REMARKS    ON    THE    SUBJECT    OF    COMPARISON. 

LiN'DLEY  Murray  judiciously  observes,  that  "if  we 
consider  the  subject  of  comparison  attentively,  we  shall 
perceive  that  the  degrees  of  it  are  infinite  in  number, 
or  at  least  indefinite:"  and  he  proceeds  to  say,  '-'A 
mountain  is  largei  than  a  mite  ;  by  how  many  degrees  ? 
How  much  bigger  is  the  earth  than  a  grain  of  sand  ? 
By  how  many  degrees  was  Socrates  wiser  than  Alei- 
biades?  or  by  how  many  is  snow  whiter  than  this 
paper?  It  is  plain,"  quoth  Lindley,  "that  to  these 
and  the  like  questions  no  definite  answers  can  be  re- 
turned." 

No;  but  an  impertinent  one  may.  Ask  the  first 
news-boy  you  meet,  any  one  of  these  questions,  and 
see  if  he  does  not  immediately  respond,  "  Ax  my  eye ;" 
or,  "  As  much  again  as  half." 

But  when  quantity  can  be  exactly  measured,  the 
degrees  of  excess  may  be  exactly  ascertained.  A  foot 
is  just  twelve  times  as  long  as  an  inch;  a  tailor  is  nine 
times  less  than  a  man. 

Moreover,  to  compensate  for  the  indefinitencss  of 
the  degrees  of  comparison,  we  use  certain  adverbs  and 
words  of  like  import,  whereby  we  render  our  meaning 
tolerably  intelligible ;  as,  "  Byron  was  a  imich  greater 
poet  than  Muggins."  "  Honey  is  a  great  deal  sweeter 
than  wax."  "  Sugar  is  considerably  more  pleasant  than 
the  cane."  "  Maria  says,  that  Dick  the  butcher  is  by 
far  the  most  killing  young  man  she  knows." 

The  words  very,  exceedingly,  and  the  like,  placed 
before  the  positive,  give  it  the  force  of  the  superlative ; 


ETYMOLOGY.  41 

and  this  is  called  by  some  the  superlative  of  eminence, 
as  distinguished  from  the  superlative  of  comparison. 
Thus,  Very  Reverend  is  termed  the  superlative  of 
eminence,  although  it  is  the  title  of  a  dean,  not  of  a 
cardinal;  and  Most  Reverend,  the  appellation  of  an 
Archbishop,  is  called  the  superlative  of  comparison. 

A  Bishop,  in  our  opinion,  is  Most  Excellent. 

The  comparative  is  sometimes  so  employed  as  to 
express  the  same  pre-eminence  or  inferiority  as  the 
siiperlative.  For  instance  ;  the  sentence,  "  Of  all  the 
cultivators  of  science,  the  botanist  is  the  most  crafty," 
has  the  same  meaning  as  the  following:  "The  botan- 
ist is  more  crafty  than  any  other  cultivator  of  science." 

Why  ?  some  of  our  readers  will  ask — 

Because  he  is  acquainted  with  all  sorts  of  plants. 


CHAPTER  V. 

OF  PRONOUNS. 

Pronouns  or  proxy-nouns  are  of  three  kinds;  name- 
ly, the  Personal,  the  Relative,  and  the  Adjective  Pro- 
nouns. 

Note. — That  when  we  said,  some  few  pages  back, 
that  a  pronoun  was  a  word  used  instead  of  a  noun,  v/e 
did  not  mean  to  call  such  words  as  thingumibob,  what- 
siname,  what-d'ye-call-it,  and  the  like,  pronouns. 

And  that,  although  we  shall  proceed  to  treat  of  the 
pronouns  in  the  English  language,  we  shall  have  ncth- 
ing  to  do,  at  present,  with  what  some  people  please  to 
call  pronoun-czai«07i. 


43  THE    COMIC    ENGLISH   GRAMMAR. 

SECTION   [. 

OF  THE  PERSONAL  PRONOUNS. 

"  Mr.  Addams,  don't  be  personal,  Sir  !" 

"  I'm  not,  Sir." 

"You  am.  Sir  !" 

"  What  did  I  say,  Sir? — tell  me  that." 

"  You  reflected  on  my  perfession,  Sir ;  you  said,  as 
there  was  some  people  as  always  stuck  up  for  the  cloth; 
and  you  insinnivated  that  certain  parties  dined  off 
goose  by  means  of  cabhaging  from  their  customers.  1 
ask  any  gentleman  in  the  room,  if  that  an't  personal. 


I 


MEETING   OF   SELECTMEN 


ETYMOLOGY.  43 

•'Veil,  Sir,  vot  1  says  I'll  stick  to." 

"Yes,  Sir,  like  vax,  as  the  saying  is." 

«  Wot  d'ye  mean  by  that.  Sir  ?" 

"Wot  I  say,  Sir!" 

"You  're  a  individual.  Sir  !" 

"You  're  another,  Sir!" 

"  You  're  no  gentleman.  Sir  !" 

"  You  're  a  humbug,  Sir  !" 

"You  're  a  knave,  Sir!" 

"You  're  a  rogue.  Sir  !" 

"You  're  a  wagabond,  Sir!" 

"You  're  a  willain.  Sir!" 

"You  're  a  tailor.  Sir!" 

"You  're  a   cobler,    Sir!"    (Order!  order  I  chair! 
chair !  &c. 

The    above   is  what    is   called    personal    language. 
How  many  different  things  one  word  serves  to  express 
;  in  English  !     A  pronoun  may  be  as  personal  as  possi- 
'  ble,  and  yet  nobody  will  take  offence  at  it. 

There  are  five  Personal  Pronouns ;  name-ly,  1,  thou, 
f  he,  she,  it ;   with  their  plurals,  we,  ye  or  you,  they. 

Personal  Pronouns  admit  of  person,  number,  gender, 
and  case. 

Pronouns  have  three  persons  in  each  number. 
In  the  Singular; 

I,  is  the  first  person. 

Thou,  is  the  second  person. 

He,  she,  or  it,  is  the  third  person. 
In  the  plural ; 

We,  is  the  first  person. 

Ye  or  you,  is  the  second  person. 

They,  is  the  third  person. 


44  THE    COMIC    ENGLISH   GRAMMAR. 

This  account  of  persons  will  be  very  intelligible 
when  the  following  Pastoral  Fragment  is  reflected  on : 

HE. 

/love  thee,  Susan,  on  my  life : 
Thou  art  the  maiden  for  a  wife. 
He  who  lives  single  is  an  ass ; 
She  who  ne'er  weds  a  luckless  lass. 
Ifs  tixesome  work  to  live  alone  ; 
So  come  with  me,  and  be  my  own. 

SHE. 

We  maids  are  oft  by  men  deceived ; 

Ye  don't  deserve  to  be  believed; 

You  don't — but  there's  my  hand — heigho ! 

They  tell  us,  women  can't  say  no  ! 

The  speaker  or  speakers  are  of  the  first  person ; 
those  spoken  to,  of  the  second  ;  and  those  spoken  of, 
of  the.  third. 

Of  the  three  persons,  the  first  is  the  most  universally 
admired. 

The  second  is  the  object  of  much  adulation  and 
flattery,  and  now  and  then  of  a  little  abuse. 

The  third  person  is  generally  made  small  account 
of;  and,  amongst  other  grievances,  suffers  a  great  deal 
from  being  frequently  bitten  about  the  back. 

The  Numbers  of  pronouns,  like  those  of  substan- 
tives, are,  as  we  have  already  seen,  two  ;  the  singular 
and  the  plural. 

In  addressing  yourself  to  anybody,  it  is  customary 
to  use  the  second  person  plural  instead  of  the  singular. 
This  practice  most  probably  arose  from  a  notion,  that 
to  be  thought  twice  the  man  that  the  speaker  was, 
gratified  the  vanity  of  the  person  addressed.     Thus, 


ETYMOLOGY.  45 

the  French  put  a  double  Monsieur  on  the  backs  of  their 
letters. 

Editors  say  "  We,"  instead  of  "  I,"  out  of  modesty. 

The  Quakers  continue  to  say  "thee"  and  "thou," 
in  the  use  of  which  pronouns,  as  well  as  in  the  wear- 
ing of  broad-brimmed  hats  and  of  stand-up  collars, 
they  perceive  a  peculiar  sanctity. 

Gender  has  to  do  only  with  the  third  person  singular 
of  the  pronouns,  he,  she,  it.  He  is  masculine  ;  she  is 
feminine ;  it  is  neuter. 

Pronouns  have  the  like  cases  with  substantives  ;  the 
nominative,  the  possessive,  and  the  objective. 

Would  that  they  were  the  hardest  cases  to  be  met 
with  in  this  country  ! 

The  personal  pronouns  are  thus  declined  : — 

CASE.       FIRST  PERSON  SINGULAR.       FIRST  PERSON   PLURAL. 

Nom.  1  We. 

Poss.  Mine  Ours. 

Obj.  Me  Us. 

CASE.  SECOND  PERSON.       SECOND  PERSON. 

Nom.  Thou  Ye  or  you. 

Poss.  Thine  Youi's. 

Obj.  Thee  You. 

Now  the  third  person  singular,  as  we  before  observ- 
ed, has  genders  ;  andwe  shall  therefore  decline  it  in  a 
different  M^ay.     Variety  is  charming. 

THIRD   PERSON   SINGULAR. 
CASE.  MASC.  FEM.  NEUT. 


Nom.            He 

She 

It. 

Poss.            His 

Hers 

Its 

Obj.              Him 

Her 

It. 

CASE. 

PLURAL. 

Nom.  They. 


46  THE    COMIC    ENGLISH    GRAMBIAR. 

CASE.  PLURAL. 

Poss.  Theirs. 

Obj.  Them. 

Reader,  Mem. 
We  beg  to  inform  thee,  that  the  third  person  plural 
has  no  distinction  of  gender. 

SECTION  IL 

OF  THE    RELATIVE    PRONOUNS. 

The  Pronouns  called  Relative  are  such  as  relate,  for 
the  most  part,  to  some  word  or  phrase,  called  the  ante- 
cedent, on  account  of  its  going  before  :  they  are,  whOf 
which,  and  that :  as,  "  The  man  tvho  does  not  drink 
enough  when  he  can  get  it,  is  a  fool  :  but  he  that  drinks 
too  much  is  a  beast." 

What  is  usually  equivalent  to  tJutt  which,  and  is,  there- 
fore, a  kind  of  compound  relative,  containing  both  the 
antecedent  and  the  relative  ;  as,  *'  You  want  what  you'll 
very  soon  have  !"  that  is  to  say,  the  thing  which  you 
will  very  soon  have. 

Who  is  applied  to  persons,  which  to  animals  and 
things  without  life  ;  as,  "■  He  is  a  gentleman  who  keeps 
a  hoi'se  and  lives  respectably."  To  the  dog  which 
pinned  the  old  woman,  they  cried,  '  Ccesar  !'  " 

That,  as  a  relative,  is  used  to  prevent  the  too  frequent 
repetition  of  loho  and  which,  and  is  applied  both  to  per- 
sons and  things ;  as,  He  that  stops  the  bottle  is  a  Cork 
man."     "  This  is  the  hoiise  that  Jack  built." 

Who  is  of  both  numbers  ;  and  so  is  an  Editor  ;  for, 
according  to  what  we  observed  just  now,  he  is  both 
singular  and  plural.  Who,  we  repeat,  is  of  both  num 
bers,  and  is  thus  declined  : — 


ETYMOLOGY.  47 

SINGULAR  AND  PLURAL. 

Nominative.  Who 

Is  the  maiden  to  woo  ? 
Genitive.  Whose 

Hand  shall  I  choose  ? 
Accusative.  Whom 

To  despair  shall  I  doom  ? 
Which,  that  and  what  are  indeclinable  ;  except  that 
whose  is  sometimes  used  as  the  possessive  case  of  which  ; 
as, 

• "  The  roe,  poor  dear,  laments  amain, 
Whose  sweet  hart  was  by  hunter  slain." 
Who,  ivhich,  and  what,  when  they  are  used  in  asking 
questions,  are  called  Interrogati.ves ;  as,  "  Who  is  Mr. 
Walker  ?"     "  Which  is  the  left  side  of  a  round  plum- 
pudding  ?"'     "  What  is  the  damage  ?" 

Those    who   have   made   popular  phraseology  their 

study,  will  have  found  thai  which  is  sometimes  used  for 

whereas,  and  words  of  like  signification  ;  as  in   Dean 

Swift's  "  Mary  the  Cookmaid's  Letter  to  Dr.  Sheridan :" 

"  And  now  1  know  whereby  you  would  fain  make  an 

excuse, 
Because  my  master  one  day  in  anger  call'd  you  a 

goose ; 
Which,  and  I  am  sure  I  have  been  his  servant  since 

October, 
And   he    never  called   me   worse  than    sweetheart, 

drunk  or  sober." 
Wliat,  or,  to  speak  more  improperly,  wot,  is  generally 
substituted  by  cabmen  and  hack-drivers  for  who  ;  as, 
"  The  donkey  wo^  wouldn't  go."     "  The  girl  wot  sweeps 
the  crossing." 

That,  likewise,  is  very  frequently  rejected   by  the 


48 


THE    COMIC    ENGLISH    GRAMMAR. 


vulgar,  who  use  as  in  its  place ;  as,  "  Them  as  aska 
shan't  have  any  ;  and  them  as  don't  ask  don't  want  any." 


SECTION   III. 


OF  THE  ADJECTIVE  PRONOUNS. 


Adjective  pronouns  partake  of  the  nature  of  both 
pronouns  and  a>5jectives.  They  may  be  subdivided  into 
four  sorts :  the  possessive,  the  distributive,  the  demon- 
strative, and  the  indefinite. 

The  possessive  pronouns  are  those  which  imply  pos- 
session or  property.  Of  these  there  are  seven;  namely, 
my,  thy,  his,  her,  our,  your,  their. 

The  word  self  is  added  to  possessives  ;  as,  myself, 
yourself,  "  Says   I  to   myself,  says  I."     Self  is  also 


SELF-ESTEEM. 


ETYMOLOGY-  49 

sometimes  used  with  personal  pronouns;  as,  himself, 
itself,  themselves-  His  self  is  a  common,  but  not  a 
proper  expression. 

'The  distributive  are  thi*ee  ;  each,  every,  either;  they 
denote  the  individual  persons  or  things  separately, 
which,  when  taken  together,  make  up  a  number.         m 

Each  is  used  when  two  or  more  persons  or  things  are 
mentioned  singly;  as,  ^' each  of  the  Catos;"  "  each  ot 
the  Browns." 

Every  relates  to  one  out  of  several ;  as,  "  Every 
mare  is  a  horse,  but  every  horse  is  not  a  mare." 

Eiilier  refers  to  one  out  of  two  ;   as, 

"  When  I  between  two  jockeys  ride, 
I  have  a  knave  on  either  side." 

Neither  signifies  "not  either;"  as,  ^^  Neither  of  the 
Bacons  was  related  to  Hogg." 

The  demonstrative  pronouns  precisely  point  out  the 
subjects  to  which  they  relate ;  such  are  this  and  that, 
with  their  plurals  these  and  those  ;  as,  "  This  is  a  Hoo- 
sier  lad;  that  is  a  Yankee  school-master." 

This  refers  to  the  nearest  person  or  thing,  and  to  the 
latter  or  last  mentioned  ;  that  to  the  most  distant,  and  to 
the  former  or  first  mentioned  ;  as,  "  This  is  a  man  ; 
that  is  a  nondescript."  "  At  the  period  of  the  Refor- 
mation in  Scotland,  a  curious  contrast  between  the 
ancient  and  modern  ecclesiastical  systems  was  observ- 
ed;  for  while  that  had  been  always  maintained  by  a 
Bull,  this  was  now  supported  by  a  Knox." 

The  indefinite  are  those  which  express  their  subjects 
in  an  indefinite  or  general  manner  ;  as,  some,  other,  any, 
one,  all,  such,  &c. 

When  the  definite  article  the  comes  before  the  word 
4 


50  THE    COMIC    ENGLISH    GRAMMAR. 

oilier,  those  who  do  not  know  better,  are  accustomed  to 
strike  out  the  he  in  the,  and  to  say,  t'other. 

The  same  persons  also  use  other  in  the  comparative 
degree  ;  for  sometimes,  instead  of  saying  quite  the  re- 
verse, or  perhaps  re2<;erse,  they  avail  themselves  of  the 
expression  7nore  t'other. 

So  much  for  the  pronuons. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

OF  VERBS. 
SECTION   I. 

OF  THE  HATUKE  OF  VERBS  IN  GENERAL. 

The  nature  of  Verbs  in  general,  and  that  in  all  lan- 
guages, is,  that  they  are  the  most  difficult  things  in  the 
Grammar. 

Verbs  are  divided  into  Active,  Passive,  and  Neuter  ; 
and  also  into  Regular,  Irregular,  and  Defective.  To 
these  divisions  we  beg  to  add  another  ;  Verbs  Comic. 

A  Verb  Active  implies  an  agent,  and  an  object  acted 
upon;  as,  to  love;  "I  love  Wilhelmina  Stubbs." 
Here,  I  am  the  agent ;  that  is,  the  lover ;  and  Wilhel- 
mina Stubbs  is  the  object  acted  upon,  or  the  beloved 
object. 

A  Verb  Passive  expresses  the  suffering,  feeling,  or 
undergoing  of  something;  and  therefore  implies  an  ob- 
ject acted  upon,  and  an  agent  by  which  it  is  acted  upon  ; 
as,  to  be  loved  ;  "  Wilhelmina  Stubbs  is  loved  by  me." 


ETYMOLOGY. 


51 


A  Verb  Neuter  expresses  neither  action  nor  passion, 
but  a  state  of  being ;  as,  I  bounce,  I  lie. 


"  F.irt,  Madam  I" 
"  Gracious,  Major  !'' 

Of  Verbs  Regular,  Irregular,  and  Defective,  we  shall 
have  somewhat  to  say  hereafter. 

Verbs  Comic  are,  for  the  most  part,  verbs  which 
cannot  be  found  in  the  dictionary,  and  are  used  to  ex- 
press ordinary  actions  in  a  jocular  manner  ;  as,  to 
"bolt,"  to  "mizzle,"  which  signify  to  go  or  to  depart; 
to  "bone,"  to  "prig,"  that  is  to  say,  to  steal ;  to  "col- 
tar,"  which  means  to   seize,  an  expression  probably 


52  THE    COMIC    ENGLISH    GRAMMAR. 

derived  from  the  mode  of  prehension,  or  rather  appre- 
hension characteristic  of  the  New  Police,  as  it  is  one 
very  much  in  the  mouths  of  those  who  most  frequently 
come  in  contact  with  that  body:  to  "liquor,"  or  drink; 
to  "  grub,"  or  eat ;  to  "  sell,"  or  deceive,  &c. 

Under  the  head  of  Verbs  Comic,  the  Yankeeisms,  I 
■'  calculate,"  I  "  reckon,"  I  "  realise,"  I  "  guess,"  and 
the  like,  may  also  be  properly  enumerated. 

Auxiliary,  or  helping  Verbs  (by  the  way  vve  marvel 
that  the  New  Englanders  do  not  call  their  servants 
auxiliaries  instead  of  helps)  are  those,  by  the  help  of 
which  we  are  chiefly  enabled  to  conjugate  our  verbs  in 
English.  They  are,  do,  be,  have,  shall,  will,  may, 
can,  with  their  variations;  and  let  and  must,  which 
have  no  variation. 

Let,  however,  when  it  is  anything  but  a  helping  verb, 
as,  for  instance,  when  it  signifies  to  hinder,  makes  let- 
test  and  letteth.  The  phrase,  "  This  House  to  Let," 
generally  used  instead  of  "  to  be  let,"  meaning  in  fact, 
the  reverse  of  what  is  intended  to  convey,  is  really  a 
piece  of  comic  English. 

To  verbs  belong  Number,  Person,  Mood,  and  Tense. 
These  may  be  called  the  properties  of  a  verb  ;  and  like 
those  of  opium,  they  are  soporiferous  properties.  There 
are  two  very  important  objects  which  the  writer  of  every 
book  has,  or  ought  to  have  in  view,  to  get  a  reader  who 
is  wide  awake,  and  to  keep  him  so  : — the  latter  of  which, 
when  Number,  Person,  Mood,  and  Tense  are  to  be 
treated  of,  is  no  such  easy  matter ;  seeing  that  the  said 
writer  is  then  in  some  danger  of  going  to  sleep  himself. 
Never  mind.  If  we  nod,  let  the  reader  wink.  What 
can't  be  cured  must  be  endured. 


I 


I 


ETYMOLOGY.  53 

SECTION    II. 

OF    NUMBER    AND    PKRSO.V. 

Verbs  have  two  numbers,  the  Singular  and  the 
Plural :  as,  "  I  fiddle,  we  fiddle, "*&c. 

In  '  ach  number  there  are  three  presons  ;  as, 

SINGULAR.  PLURAL. 

First  Person  I  love  We  love. 

Second  Person  Thou  lovest  Ye  or  you  love. 

Third  Person  He  loves  They  love. 

What  a  deal  there  is  in  every  Grammar  about  love ! 
Here  the  following  Lines,  by  a  Young  Lady,  (now  no 
more,)  addressed  to  Lindley  Murray,  deserve  to  be  re- 
corded  : — 

"  Oh,  Murray  !  fatal  name  to  me. 

Thy  burning  page  with  tears  is  wet , 
Since  first  'to  love'  I  learned  of  thee. 
Teach  me,  ah  !  teach  me  '  to  forget !' " 

SECTION  III. 

OF    MOODS    AND    PARTICIPLES. 

Mood  or  .Mode  is  a  particular  form  of  the  verb,  or  a 
certain  variation  which  it  undergoes,  showing  the  man- 
ner in  which  the  being,  action,  or  passion,  is  repre- 
sented. 

■  The  moods  of  verbs  are  five,  the  Indicative,  the  Im- 
perative, the  Potential,  the  Subjunctive,  and  lhe  Infini- 
tive. 

The  Indicative  Mood  simply  points  out  or  declares  a 
thing:  as,  "He  teaches,  he  is  taugh*;"  or  it  asks  a 
question  :  as,  "■  Does  he  teach  ?     Is  he  taught  ?" 


54  THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 

Q.   Why  is  old  age  the  best  teacher  ? 

A.  Because  he  gives  you  the  most  lorinkles. 

Q.   Why  docs  a  rope  support  a  rope-dancer? 

A.  Because  it  is  taught. 

The  Imperative  Itfood  commands,  exhorts,  entreats 
or  permits :  as,  "  Vanish  thou ;  trot  ye  ;  let  us  hop  ;  be 
off'!" 

The  Potential  Mood  implies  possibility  or  liberty, 
power,  will,  or  obligation :  as,  "  A  waiter  may  be  hon- 
est. You  may  stand  upon  truth  or  lie.  I  can  filch. 
He  would  cozen.     They  should  learn." 

The  Subjunctive  Mood  is  used  to  represent  a  thing 
as  done  conditionally ;  and  is  preceded  by  a  conjunc- 
tion, expressed  or  understood,  and  accompanied  by 
another  verb :  as,  "  If  the  skies  should  fall,  larks  would 
be  caught."  "  Were  I  to  punch  your  head,  I  should 
serve  you  right:"  that  is,  "//*  I  wei:e  to  punch  your 
head." 

The  Infinitive  Mood  expresses  a  thing  generally, 
without  limitation,  and  without  any  distinction  of  num- 
ber or  person:   as,  "to  quarrel,  to  fight,  to  be  licked." 

The  Participle  is  a  peculiar  form  of  the  verb,  and  is 
so  called,  because  it  participates  in  the  properties  both 
of  a  verb  and  of  an  adjective:  as,  "May  I  have  the 
pleasure  of  dancing  with  you  ?"  '■^Mounted  on  a  tub 
he  addressed  the  bystanders."  "  Having  uplifted  a 
stave,  they  departed." 

The  Participles  are  three;  the  Present  or  Active, 
the  Perfect  or  Passive,  and  the  Compound  Perfect:  as, 
"  I  felt  nervous  at  the  thought  of  popping  the  question, 
but  that  once  popped,  I  was  not  sorry  for  having  pop- 
fed  it." 


I 


ETYMOLOGY. 


55 


The  worst  of  popping  the  question  is,  that  the  report 
is  always  sure  to  get  abroad. 


SECTION  IV. 


OF    THE    TENSES. 


Tense  is  the  distinction  of  time,  and  consists  of 
eix  divisions,  namely,  the  Present,  the  Imperfect,  the 
Perfect,  the  Pluperfect,  and  the  Fii'st  and  Second  Fu- 
'ure  Tenses. 

Time  is  also  distinguished  by  a  fore-lock,  scythe, 
and  hour-glass ;  but  the  youthful  reader  must  bear  in 
mind,  that  these  things  are  not  to  be  confounded  with 
tenses. 


^^^^S^^~',>=w;^:?^  v*.>.i= 


56  THE   COMIC    ENGLISH   GRAMMAR 

The  Present  Tense,  as  its  name  implies,  represenii 
an  action  or  event  occurring  at  the  present  time :  as 
"I  lament;  rogues  prosper  ;  the  mob  rules/' 

The  Imperfect  Tense  represents  a  past  action  oi 
event,  but  which,  like  a  mutton  chop,  may  be  either 
thoroughly  done,  or  not  thoroughly  done  ;  wort  it  meet, 
we  should  say,  under-done  :  as, 

"  When  1  loas  a  little  boy  some  fifteen  years  ago, 
My  mammy   doted  on   me — Lork  !   she   made  me 
quite  a  show." 

"  When  our  reporter  left,  the  Honorable  Gentleman 
was  still  on  his  legs." 

The  legs  of  most  "  Honorable  Gentlemen"  must 
be  tolerably  stout  ones  ;  for  the  "  majority"  do  not 
stand  on  trifles.  However,  we  are  not  going  to  commit 
ourselves,  like  some  folks,  nor  to  get  committed,  like 
other  folks ;  so  we  will  leave  "  Honorable  Gentlemen" 
to  manage  matters  their  own  way. 

The  Perfect  Tense  declares  a  thing  to  have  been 
done  at  some  time,  though  an  indefinite  one,  antece- 
dent to  the  present  time.  That,  however,  which  the 
Perfect  Tense  represents  as  done,  is  completely,  or, 
as  we  say  of  a  green  one,  when  he  is  humbugged  by 
the  thimble-rig  people,  regularly  done  ;  as,  "  I  Juive 
heen  out  on  the  river."     "I  have  caught  a  crab." 

Catching  a  crab  is  a  thing  regularly  (in  another  sense 
than  completely)  done,  when  civic  swains  pull  young 
ladies  up  to  Richmond.  We  beg  to  inform  persons 
unacquainted  wil-h  aquatic  phraseology,  that  '■'•  pullinp- 
up"  young  ladies,  or  others,  is  a  very  different  thing 
from  "pulling  up"  an  omnibus  conductor  or  a  cabman. 
What  an  equivocal  language  is  ours !    How  much  k^s 


ETYMOLOGY. 


57 


agreeable  to  be  "  pulled  up"  at  the  Police  office  than 
to  be  "  pulled  up"  in  a  row-boat !  how  wide  the  discre- 
pancy between  "  pulling  up"  radishes  and  "  pulling 
up"  horses ! 

The  Pluperfect  Tense  represents  a  thing  as  doubly 
past ;  that  is,  as  past  previously  to  some  other  point  of 
time  also  past ;  as,  "  I  fell  in  love  before  I  had  arrived 
at  years  of  discretion." 


The  First  Future  Tense  represents  the  action  as  yet 
10  come,  either  at  a  certain  or  an  uncertain  time  ;  as 
"  The  tailor  7mll  send  my  coat  home  to-morrow  ;  and 
when  I  find  it  perfectly  convenient,  I  shall  pay  him.'' 

The  Second  Future  intimates  that  the  action  will  be 


68  THE    COMIC    ENGLISH    GRAMBIAR. 

completed  at  or  before  the  time  of  another  future  action 
or  event ;  as,  "  I  wonder  how  many  conquests  I  shall 
have  made  by  to-morrow  morning." 

N.  B.  One  ball  is  often  the  means  of  killing  a  great 
many  people. 

The  consideration  of  the  tenses  suggests  various 
moral  i-eflectiors  to  the  thinking  mind.  A  couple  of 
examples  will  perhaps  suffice ; — 

1.  Present,  though  moderate  fruition,  is  preferable  to 
splendid,  but  contingent  futurity  ;  i.  e.  A  bird  in  the 
hand  is  worth  two  in  the  bush. 

2.  Imperfect  nutrhion  is  less  to  be  deprecated  than 
privation  of  aliment ; — a  new  way  of  putting  an  old 
proverb,  which  we  need  not  again  insert,  respecting 
half  a  loaf. 

SECTION  V. 

THE    CONJUGATION    OF    THE    AUXILIARY    VERBS    To    HaVE    AND 

To  Be. 

We  have  observed  that  boys,  in  conjugating  verbs, 
give  no  indications  of  delight,  except  that  which  an  in- 
genious disposition  always  feels  in  the  acquisition  of 
knowledge.  Now,  having  arrived  at  that  part  of  the 
Grammar  in  which  it  becomes  necessary  that  these 
same  verbs  should  be  considered,  we  feel  ourselves  in 
an  awkward  dilemma.  The  omission  of  the  conjuga- 
tions is  a  serious  omission — which,  of  course,  is  objec- 
tionable in  a  comic  work — and  the  insertion  of  them 
would  be  equally  serious,  and  therefore  quite  as  im- 
proper. What  shall  we  do  ?  We  will  adopt  a  middle, 
course  ;  referring  the  reader  to  Murray  and  other< 
talented  authors  for  full  information  on  these  matters; 
and  requesting  him  to  be  content  with  our  confining 


ETYMOLOGY.  59 

ourselves  to  what  is  more  especially  suitable  to  these 
pages — a  glance  at  the  Comicalities  of  verbs. 

If  being  a  youngster  I  had  not  been  smitten, 
Of  having  leen  jilted  I  should  not  complain, 

Take  warning  from  me  all  ye  lads  who  are  bitten, 
When  this  part  of  Grammar  occurs  to  your  brain. 

As  there  is  a  certain  intensity  of  feeling  abroad,  which 
renders  people  indisposed  to  trouble  themselves  with 
verbal  matters,  we  shall  take  the  liberty  of  making  very 
short  work  of  the  Regular  Verbs.  Even  Murray  can 
only  afford  to  conjugate  one  example, — To  Love. 
The  learner  must  amplify  this  part  of  the  Grammar 
for  himself:  and  we  recommend  him  to  substitute  for 
"  to  love,"  some  word  less  harrowing  to  a  sensitive 
mind:  as,  "to  fleece,  to  tax,"  verbs  which  excite  disa- 
greeable emotions  only  in  a  sordid  one  ;  and  which 
also,  by  association  of  ideas,  conduct  us  to  useful  re- 
flections on  Political  Economy.  We  advise  all  whom 
it  may  concern,  however,  to  pay  the  greatest  attention 
to  this  part  of  the  Grammar,  and  before  they  come  to 
the  Verbs  Regular,  to  make  a  particular  study  of  the 
Auxiliary  Verbs :  not  only  for  the  excellent  reasons 
set  forth  in  "  Tristram  Shandy,"  but  also  to  avoid 
those  awkward  mistakes  in  which  the  Comicalities  of 
the  Verbs,  or  Verbal  Comicalities,  chiefly  consist. 

"  Did  it  rain  to-morrow  ?"  asked  Monsieur  Gre- 
nouille. 

"Yes  it  was  !"  replied  Monsieur  Crapaud. 

We  propose  the  following  as  an  auxiliary  mode  of 
conjugating  verbs : — "  I  love  to  roam  on  the  crested 
foam.  Thou  lovest  to  roam  on  the  crested  foam.  He 
loves  to  roam  on  tho  crested  foam,  We  love  to  roam  on 


60 


THE    COMIC    ENGLISH   GRAMMAR. 


the  crested  foam,  Ye  or  you  love  to  roam  on  the  crested 
foam,  They  love  to  roam  on  the  crested  foam,"  &;c. 

The  Auxiliary  Verbs,  too,  are  very  useful  when  a 
peculiar  emphasis  is  required :  as,  "  I  shall  give  you 
a  drubbing!"  "Will  you?"  "I  know  a  trick  worth 
two  of  that."     "  Do  you,  though  ?"     "  It  might,"  as  the 


Quaker  said  to  the  Yankee,  who  wanted  to  know  what 
his  name  might  be  ;  "it  mighthe  Beelzebub,  but  it  is  not." 
Now  we  may  as  well  say  what  we  have  to  say  about 
the  conjugation  of  regular  verbs  active. 


SECTION  VI. 

THK    CONJUGATION    OF    REGULAR    VERBS    ACTIVE. 

Regular  Verbs  Active  are  known  by  their  forming 
their  imperfect  tense  of  the  indicative  mood,  and  their 
perfect  participle,  by  adding  to  ihe  verb  cd,  or  d  only 
when  the  verb  ends  in  e :  as, 


ETYMOLOGY. 


61 


PRESENT  IMPERFECT.  PERF.    PARTICIP. 

I  reckon  I  reckoned.  Reckoned. 

I  realise.  I  realised.  Realised. 

Here  should  follow  the  conjugation  of  the  regular 
active  verb,  To  Love  ;  but  we  have  already  assigned 
a  good  reason  for  omitting  it ;  besides  which  we  have 
to  say,  that  we  think  it  a  verb  highly  unfit  for  conju- 
gation by  youth,  as  it  tends  to  put  ideas  into  their  heads 
which  they  would  otherwise  never  have  thought  of; 
and  it  is  moreover  out  opinion,  that  several  of  our  most 
gifted  poets  may,  with  reason,  have  attributed  the  seun- 
fortunate  attachments  which,  though  formed  in  early 
youth,  served  to  embitter  their  whole  lives,  to  the 
poison  which  they  thus  sucked  in  with  the  milk,  so  to 
speak,  of  \heir  Mother  Tongue,  the  Grammar.  We 
shall  thei    fore  dismiss  Cupid,  and  he  must  look  for 

I 


OTHER   LODGINGS. 


62  THE    COMIC    ENGLISH   GRAMMAR. 

PASSIVE. 

Verbs  Passive  are  said  to  be  regular,  when  thei» 
perfect  participle  is  formed  by  the  addition  of  d,  or  ed 
to  the  verb :  as,  from  the  verb  "  To  bless,"  is  formed 
the  passive,  "I  am  blessed,  I  was  blessed,  I  shall  be 
blessed,"  &c. 

The  conjugation  of  a  passive  verb  is  nothing  more 
than  the  repetition  of  that  of  the  auxiliary  To  Be,  the 
perfect  participle  being  added. 

And  now,  having  cut  the  regular  verbs  (as  Alexan- 
der did  the  Gordian  knot)  instead  of  conjugating  them, 
let  us  proceed  to  consider  the. 

IRREGULAR     VERBS. 
SECTIOX    VII. 

Irregular  Verbs  are  those  of  which  the  imperfect 
tense  and  the  perfect  participle  are  not  formed  by 
adding  d  or  ed  to  the  verb :  as, 

PRESENT.  IMPERFECT.  PERFECT  PART 

I  blow.  I  blew.  blown. 

To  say  I  am  blown,  is,  under  certain  circumstan- 
ces,  such  as  windy  and  tempestuous  weather,  proper 
enough  ;  but  I  am  blowed,  it  will  at  once  be  perceived, 
is  not  only  an  ungrammatical,  but  also  a  vulgar  ex- 
pression. 

Great  liberties  are  taken  with  the  Irregular  Verbs, 
insomuch  that  in  the  mouths  of  some  persons,  divers 
of  them  become  doubly  irregular  in  the  formation  of 
their  participles.  Among  such  Irregular  Verbs  we 
may  enumerate  the  following  : — 

PRESENT.  I.M  PERFECT.  PERF.  OR  PASS.  PART, 

Am  Avur  bin. 

Burst  bust  busted. 


!<" 


ETYMOLOGY. 

03 

PRESENT. 

IMPERFECT. 

PERF.  OR  PASS.  PART. 

Catch 

cotch 

cotched. 

Come 

kirn 

corned. 

Drive 

druv 

driv. 

Freeze 

friz 

froze. 

Give 

guv 

giv. 

SECTION 

VIII. 

OF    DEFECTIVE    VERBS. 


Most  men  have  five  senses, 
Most  verbs  have  six  tenses ; 
But  as  there  are  some  folks 
Who  are  blind,  deaf,  or  dumb  folks, 
Just  so  there  are  somQ^  verbs 
Defective,  or  rum  verbs, 
vhich  are  used  only  in  some  of  their  moods  and  tenses. 
The  principal  of  them  are  these : — 

IMPERF.  PERF.  OR  PASS.   PART 

Can  could  nix. 

May  might  — 

Shall  should  — 

Will  would  — 

Must  must  — 

Ought  ought  — 

—  quoth  — 

There    is    not,   perhaps,   anything    in   the  defective 

verbs   peculiarly  valuable   in  a  comic  point  of  view. 

However,  it  should  not  be  forgotten,  that 

Can  is  one  of  the  signs  of  the  pox-ential  Mood  ; 
Ought,  ought,  with  1  before  it,  stands,  (in  school-boy 
phrase)  for  100. 

'Tis  naught,  so  to  speak,  says  Murray. 


64  THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GKAMMAR. 

CHAPTER  VII. 

OF   ADVERBS. 

Having  as  great  a  dislike  as  the  youngest  jf  our 
readers  can  have  to  repetitions,  we  shall  not  say  what 
an  adverb  is  over  again.  It  is,  nevertheless,  right  to 
observe,  that  some  adverbs  are  compared  :  as,  far,  far- 
ther, farthest ;  near,  nearer,  nearest.  In  comparing 
those  which  end  in  ly,  we  use  more  and  most :  as,  slowly, 
more  slowly,  most  slowly. 

There  are  a  great  many  adverbs  in  the  English  Lan- 
guage :  their  number  is  probably  even  greater  than 
that  of  abusive  epithets.  They  are  divisible  into  cer-' 
lain  classes ;  the  chief  of  which  are  Number,  Order, 
Place,  Time,  Quantity,  Manner  or  Quality,  Doubt, 
Affirmation,  Negation,  Interrogation,  and  Comparison. 

A  nice  little  list,  truly  !  and  perhaps  some  of  our 
readers  may  suppose  that  we  are  going  to  exemplify  it 
at  length :  if  so,  all  we  can  say  with  regard  to  their  ex- 
pectation is,  that  we  wish  they  may  get  it  gratified.  In 
the  meantime,  we  will  not  turn  our  Grammar  into  a 
dictionary,  to  please  anybody.  However,  we  have  no 
objection  to  a  brief  illustration  of  the  uses  and  proper- 
ties of  adverbs,  as  contained  in  the  following  passage  : — 

"  Formerly,  when  first  I  began  to  preach  and  to  teach, 
whithersoever  I  went,  the  little  boys  followed  me,  and 
now  and  then  pelted  me  with  brick-bats,  as  heretofore 
they  pelted  Ebenezer  Grimes.  And  ifhensoever  I 
opened  my  mouth,  straightimys  the  ungodly  began  to 
crow.  Oftentimes  was  I  hit  in  the  mouth  with  an 
orange :  yea,  and  once,  moreover,   with  a  rotten  egg  : 


ETYMOLOGY.  W 

v.^tv^eaf.  there  was  much  laughter,  which,  notwithstand- 
ing, I  took  in  good  part,  and  wiped  my  face  and  looked 
pleasantly.  For  peradventure  I  said,  they  will  listen  to 
my  sermon  ;  yea,  and  after  that  we  may  have  a  collec- 
tion. So  I  was  nowise  discomfited  ;  wherefore  I  advise 
Ihee,  Brother  Habakkuk,  to  take  no  heed  of  thy  perse- 
cutors, seeing  that  I,  whereas  I  was  once  little  better  off 
than  thyself,  have  now  a  chapel  of  mine  own.  And 
herein  let  thy  mind  be  comforted,  that,  preach  as  much 
as  thou  wilt  against  the  Bishop,  thou  wilt  not,  therefore,  in 
these  days,  be  in  danger  of  the  pillory.  Howbeit,"  &c. 
Vide  Life  of  the  late  pious  and  Rev.  Samuel  Simcox 
Hetter  to  Habakkuk  Brown.) 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

OF  PREPOSITIONS. 

Prepositions  are,  for  the  most  part,  put  before  nouns 
and  pronouns  :  as,  "  out  of  the  frying-pan  into  the  fire." 

The  preposition  of  is  sometimes  used  as  a  part  of 
speech  of  peculiar  signification,  and  one  to  which  no 
name  has  as  yet  been  applied  :  as,  "  What  you  been 
doing  of?" 

At  and  tip  are  not  rarely  used  as  verbs,  but  we  should 
scarcely  have  been  justified  in  so  classing  them  by  the 
authority  of  any  polite  writer  ;  such  use  of  them  being 
confined  to  the  vulgar :  as,  "  Now  then.  Bill,  at  him 
again."  "  So  she  upped  with  her  fists,  and  fetched  him 
a  whop." 

After  is  improperly  pronounced  arter,  and  against, 
5 


06 


THE    COMIC    ENGLISH    GRAMMAH . 


agin:  as,  "  Hallo  !  .Tim.  vot  are  you  arter)  uon  t  )»ui* 
know  that  ere's  agin  the  Law  'V^ 


CHAPTER  IX. 

OF     CONJUNCTIONS 


A  Conjunction  means  literally,  a  union  or  meeting 
together.     An  ill-assoi'ted  marriage  is 


^/.■:k>i 


A    COMICAL   CONJUNCTION. 


ETYMOLOGY.  67 

But  our  conjunctions  are  used  to  connect  words  and 
sentences,  and  have  nothing  to  do  wi'„h  the  joining  of 
hands.  They  are  chiefly  of  two  sorts,  the  Copulative 
and  Disjunctive. 

The  Copulative  Conjunction  is  employed  for  the  con- 
nection or  continuation  of  a  sentence  :  as,  "  Jack  a?id 
"Gill  went  up  the  Hill,"  "I  will  sing  a  song  if  Gub- 
bins  will."  "  A  thirsty  man  is  like  a  Giant  because  he 
is  a  Gog  for  drink." 

The  Conjunction  Disjunctive  is  used  not  only  for 
purposes  of  connection,  but  also  to  express  opposition  of 
meaning  in  different  degrees :  as,  "  We  pay  less  for 
our  letters,  but  shall  have  to  pay  more  for  our  coats : 
they  have  lightened  our  postage,  but  they  will  increase 
our  taxes. 

Conjunctions  are  the  hooks  and  eyes  of  Language,  in 
which,  as  well  as  in  dress,  it  is  very  possible  to  make 
an  awkward  use  of  them:  as,  "  For  if  the  year  con- 
sist of  365  days  6  hours,  a7id  January  have  31  days, 
then  the  relation  between  the  corpuscular  theory  of 
light  and  the  new  views  of  Mr.  Owen  is  at  once  subvert- 
ed :  for,  '  When  Ignorance  is  bliss,  'tis  folly  to  be 
wise  :'  because  1760  yards  make  a  mile ;  and  it  is  uni- 
versally acknowledged  that  '  war  Is  the  madness  of 
many  for  the  gain  of  a  (ew  :'  therefore  Sir  Isaac  Newton 
was  right  in  supposing  the  diamond  to  be  combustible." 

The  Siamese  twins,  it  must  be  admitted,  form  a 
singular  conjunction. 

A  tin  pot  fastened  to  a  dog's  tail  is  a  disagreeable 
conjunction  to  the  unfortunate  animal. 

A  happy  pair  may  be  regarded  as  an  uncommon 
conjunction. 


68  THE    COMIC    ENGLISH    RRAMMAR. 

The  word  as,  so  often  used  in  this  and  other  Gram. 
mars,  is  a  conjunction  :  as,  "  Mrs.  A.  is  as  well  as  caa 
be  expected." 


¥y:'M;: 


CHAPTER  X. 

OF     DERIVATION. 

Those  who  know  Latin,  Greek,  Saxon,  and  the  other 
languages  from  which  our  own  is  formed,  do  not  require 


I 


ETYMOLOGY.  69 

to  be  instructed  in  philological  derivation ;  and  on  those 
who  do  not  understand  the  said  tongues,  such  instruc-^ 
tion  would  be  thrown  away.  In  what  manner  English 
words  are  derived,  one  from  another,  the  generality  of 
persons  know  very  well  :  there  are,  however,  a  few 
words  and  phrases,  which  it  is  expedient  to  trace  to 
their  respective  sources;  not  only  because  such  an  ex- 
ercise is  of  itself  delightful  to  the  inquiring  mind ;  but 
because  we  shall  thereby  be  furnished  (as  we  hope  to 
show)  with  a  test  by  means  of  which,  on  hearing  an 
expression  for  the  first  time,  we  shall  be  able,  in  most 
instances,  to  decide  at  once  respecting  its  nature  and 
quality. 

These  words,  of  which  many  have  but  recently  come 
into  vogue,  which,  though  by  no  means  improper  or 
immoral,  are  absolutely  unutterable  in  any  polite  as- 
sembly. It  is  not,  at  first,  very  easy  to  see  what  can 
"be  the  objection  to  their  use ;  but  derivation  explains  it 
for  us  in  the  most  satisfactory  manner.  The  truth  is, 
that  the  expressions  in  question  take  their  origin  from 
various  trades  and  occupations,  in  which  they  have  for 
the  most  part,  a  literal  meaning ;  and  we  now  perceive 
what  horrible  suspicions  respecting  one's  birth,  habits, 
and  education,  their  figurative  employment  would  be 
likely  to  excite.  To  make  the  matter  indisputably 
clear,  we  will  explain  our  position  by  a  few  examples. 

WORDS    AND    PHRASES.  WHAT  DERIVED  FROM. 

Bone  (to  steal,)  Butchers. 

Chisel  (to  cheat,)  Carpenters. 

To  cut  it  fat.  Cooks. 

To  come  it  strong.  Publicans. 

To  drop  off  the  hooks.  Butchers. 


70         THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 

WORDS  AND   PHRASES.  WHAT  DERIVED  FROM. 

To  be  done,  Cooks. 

To  be  done  brown,  Ditto. 

A  sell,  (a  cheat,)  Jews. 

To  lather  (to  beat,)  Barbers. 

To  strap  (ditto,)  Cobblers. 

To  hide  (dit*o,)  Curriers. 

Spicy  (showy,)  Grocers. 

To  hang  out  (to  dwell,)       Publicans. 

Swamped  (ruined,)  Watermen. 

To  put  one's  oar  in  (to 
interfere,)  Ditto. 

Mahogany  (for  table,)        Upholsterers. 

Dodge  (trick,)  Pickpockets. 

To  bung  up  an  eye,  Brewers. 

To  chalk  down,  Publicans. 

A  close  shaver  (a  miser,)  Barbers. 

To  be  off  your  feed.  Ostlers. 

Hold  hard  (stop,)  Omnibus-men. 

Numerous  examples,  similar  to  the  foregoing,  will,  no 
doubt,  present  themselves,  in  addition,  to  the  mind  of 
the  enlightened  student.  We  have  not,  however,  quite 
done  yet  with  our  remarks  on  this  division  of  our  sub- 
ject. The  intrinsic  vulgarity  of  all  modes  of  speech 
•which  may  be  traced  to  mean  or  disreputable  persons, 
will,  of  course,  not  be  questioned.  But — and  as  we 
have  got  hold  of  a  nice  bone,  we  may  as  well  get  all 
the  marrow  vv^e  can  out  of  it — the  principle  which  is 
now  under  consideration  has  a  much  wider  range  than 
is  apparent  at  first  sight. 

Now  we  will  suppose  a  red-hot  lover  addressing  the 
goddess  of  liis  idolatry — by  the  way,  how  strange  it  is, 
that    these   goddesses   should  be    always   having  their 


ETYMOLOGY.  71 

temples  on  fire,  that  a  Queeen  of  Hearts  should  ever  be 
seated  on  a  burning  throne  ! — but  to  return  to  the  lover: 
he  was  to  say  something.  Well,  then,  let  A.  B.  be  the 
lover.     He  expresses  himself  thus  : 

"Mary,  my  earthly  hopes  are  centred  in  you.  You 
need  not  doubt  me  ;  my  heart  is  true  as  the  dial  to  the 
sun.  Words  cannot  express  how  much  I  love  you. 
Nor  is  my  affection  an  ordinary  feeling :  it  is  a  more 
exalted  and  a  more  enduring  sentiment  than  that  which 
bears  it  name.  I  have  done.  I  am  not  eloquent :  I 
can  say  no  more,  than  that  I  deeply  and  sincerely  love 
you." 

This,  perhaps,  will  be  regarded  by  connoisseurs  as 
tolerably  pathetic,  and  for  the  kind  of  thing  not  very 
ridiculous.  Now,  let  A.  S.  S.  be  the  lover:  and  let  us 
have  his  version  of  the  same  story  : — 

"  Mary,  my  capital  in  life  is  invested  in  you.  You  need 
not  stick  at  giving  me  credit ;  my  heart  is  as  safe  as 
the  batik.  The  sum  total  of  my  love  for  you  defies 
calculation.  Nor  is  my  attachment  anything  in  the 
common  way.  It  is  a  superior  and  more  durable  article 
than  that  in  general  wear.  My  stock  of  words  is  ex- 
hausted, I  am  no  wholesale  dealer  in  that  line.  All  I 
can  say  is,  that  I  have  a  vast  fund  of  unadulterated 
affection  for  you." 

In  this  effusion  the  Stock  Exchange,  the  multiplica- 
tion table,  and  the  dry  goods  and  grocer's  shops  have 
been  drawn  upon  for  a  clothing  to  the  suitor's  ideas ; 
and  by  an  unhappy  choice  of  words,  the  most  delightful 
and  amiable  feelings  of  our  nature,  without  which  life 
would  be  a  desert  and  man  a  bear,  are  invested  with  a 
ridiculous  disguise. 

We  would  willingly  enlarge  upon  the  topic  which  we 


72  THE   COMIC    ENGLISH   GRAMMAR. 

have  thus  slightly  handled,  but  that  we  feel  that  we 
should  by  so  doing,  intrench  too  far  on  the  boundaries 
of  Rhetoric,  to  which  science,  more  particularly  than 
to  Grammar,  the  consideration  of  Metaphor  belongs  ; 
besides  which,  it  is  high  time  to  have  done  with  Ety- 
mology. 


PART    III. 
SYNTAX. 

"  Now  then,  reader,  if  you  are  quite  ready,  we  are. 
—All  right  !****" 

The  asterisks  are  intended  to  stand  for  a  word  used 
in  speaking  to  horses.  Don't  blush,  young  ladies; 
there's  not  a  shadow  of  harm  in  it :  but  as  to  spelling 
it,  we  are  as  unable  to  do  so  as  the  ostler's  boy  was, 
who  v/as  thrashed  for  his  ignorance  by  his  fatiier. 

"  Where  are  we  now,  coachman  ?" 

SYNTAX. 

"  The  third  part  of  Grammar,  Sir,  wot  treats  of  the 
agreement  and  construction  of  words  in  a  sentence." 

"  Does  a  coachman  say  wot  for  which  because  he  has 
a  licence  ?" 

"Can't  say.  Ma'am?" 

"  Drive  on,  coachman." 

And  we  must  drive  on,  or  loil  on,  or  whatever  it  is 
the  fashion  to  call  getting  on  in  these  times. 


SYNTAX.  73 

A  sentence  is  an  aggregate  of  words  forming  a 
complete  sense. 

Sentences  are  of  two  kinds,  simple  and  compound. 

A  simple  sentence  has  in  it  but  one  subject  and  one 
finite  verb ;  that  is,  a  verb  to  which  number  and  per- 
son belong  :  as,  "  A  joke  is  a  joke." 

A  compound  sentence  consists  of  two  or  more  simple 
sentences  connected  together :  as,  "  A  joke  is  a  joke, 
but  a  ducking  is  no  joke.  Corpulence  is  the  attribute 
of  swine,  mayors,  and  oxen." 

Simple  sentences  may  be  divided  (if  we  choose  to 
take  the  trouble)  into  the  Explicative  or  explaining ; 
the  Interrogative,  or  asking ;  the  imperative,  or  com- 
manding. 

An  explicative  sentence  is,  in  other  words,  a  direct 
assertion  :  as,  "  Sir,  you   are  impertinent." — Johnson. 

An  interrogative  sentence  "merely  asks  a  question  :" 
as,  "Are  you  a  policeman?     How's  your  Inspector?" 

An  imperative  sentence  is  expressive  of  command, 
exhortation,  or  entreaty;  as,  "  Shoulder  arms !"  "  Turn 
out  your  toes  !"    "  Charge  bayonets  !" 

A  phrase  is  two  or  more  words  properly  put  together, 
making  either  a  sentence  or  part  of  a  sentence :  as, 
*'  Good  moi-ning !"     "  Your  most  obedient !" 

Some  phrases  consist  of  two  or  more  words  improp- 
erly put  together :  these  are  improper  phrases :  as, 
"  Now  then,  old  stupid  !"     "  Stand  out  of  the  sunshine  !" 

Other  phrases  consist  of  words  put  together  by 
ladies  :  as,  "  A  duck  of  a  man,"  "  A  love  of  a  shawl," 
"so  nice,"  "  quite  refreshing,"  "  sweetly  pretty."  "  Did 
you  ever  ?"    "  No  I  never  !" 

Other  phrases  again  consist  of  French  and  English 
words  put  together  by  people  of  quality,  because  their 


74 


THE   COMIC    ENGLISH    GRAMMAR. 


'  What  a  (luck  of  a  man  I 


knowledge  of  both  languages  is  pretty  nearly  equal : 
as,  "  I  am  au  desespoir,"  "  mis  hors  de  combat,'" 
"quite  ennuye,"  or  rather  in  nine  cases  out  of  ten, 
"  ennuyee," — "  I  have  a  great  envie"  to  do  so  and  so. 
These  constitute  an  important  variety  of  comic  English. 

If  you  want  to  know  what  subjects  and  objects  are, 
you  should  go  to  the  Morgue  at  Paris.  But  in  Gram- 
mar — 

The  subject  is  the  thing  chiefly  spoken  of;  the  attri- 
bute is  that  which  is  affirmed  or  denied  of  it ;  and  the 
object  is  the  thing  affected  by  such  action.  -j 


SYNTAX. 


75 


The  nominative  denotes  the  subject,  and  usually 
goes  before  the  verb  or  attribute ;  and  the  word  or 
phrase,  denoting  the  object,  follows  the  verb  ;  as,  "  The 
flirt  torments  her  lover."  Here,  a  flirt  is  the  subject ; 
torments,  the  attribute  or  thing  affirmed ;  and  her  lover, 
the  object. 


It  strikes  us,  though,  that  we  are  somewhat  digress- 
ing from  our  subject,  namely  Syntax,  which, 


~6  THE   COMIC    ENGLISH   GRAMMAR. 

Principally  consists  of  two  parts  (which  the  flirJ 
does  not,  for  she  is  all  body  and  no  soul)  Concord  ano 
Government. 

Concord  is  the  agreement  which  one  word  has  with 
another,  in  gender,  number,  case  or  person. 

Note. — That  a  want  of  agreement  between  words 
does  not  invalit^ate  deeds.  We  apprehend  that  such  an 
engagement  as  the  following,  properly  authenticated, 
would  hold  good  in  law. 

I  ose  Jon  stubs  too  hunder  dollar  for  valley  reseved 
an  promis  to  pay  Him  Nex  Sattaday 

Signed  Willum  Gibs  is  X  Mark 

March  18,  1844. 

Also  that  a  friend  of  ours,  to  whom  the  following 
bill  was  sent,  could  not  have  refused  to  discharge  it  on 
the  score  of  its  incorrect  grammar. 

1835  Mr. ■ 

Jenery  10       To  J.  Burton. 

$  cts. 
Reparing  of  Towo  Tables  &  Muex  Stand  1  00 

Aultern  of  2  Blines  &  Toulroler      .       ,     ,       0  50 

{et  cetera) 
Newpot  board  Barers  &  scirtin  &c.  stapel  .       1  50 
Locks  to  Cubard  dowrs  &  Esing  do  layinw 
down  flour  cloth  &  fiting  up  Top  of  Butt 
Fixing    Lether   to  i  &  Cuting  of  sheters  in 

Dowrs  in  parlor  \  first  flour 
Fixing  webbin  to  Stand  and  fixing  Legs  to 

washing  stule         0  38 

Fiting  up  front  of  Dustbin  &  Cubbard  on 

Landing  altern  lock  of  seler  dowr  0  50 

$6  83 


1  75 
1  20 


SYNTAX.  77 

Government  is  that  power  which  one  part  of  speech 

has  over  another,  in  directing  its  mood,  tense,  or  case. 

Government  is   also  that   power,   of  which,   if  the 

Agrarians  have  their  way,  we  shall  soon  see  very  little 

in  this- country. 

Hurrah ! 
No  taxes ! 
No  army ! 

(No  navy ! 
No  parsons ! 
No  lawyers ! 
No  (Congress ! 
No  Legislature ! 
No  anything ! 
No  nothing! 
To  produce  the  agreement  and  right  disposition  of 
words  in  a  sentence,  the  following  rules  (and  observa- 
tions ?)  should  be  carefully  studied. 

RULE   I. 

A  verb  must  agree  with  its  nominative  case  in 
number  and  person  :  as  "  I  perceive."  "  Thou  hast 
been  to  Boston."  "  Apes  chatter."  "  Frenchmen 
gabble." 

Certain  liberties  are  sometimes  taken  with  this  rule  : 
as,  "  I  own  I  likes  good  beer."  You'm  a  fine  fellow, 
aint  yer?"  Such  modes  of  speaking  are  adopted  by 
those  who  neither  know  nor  care  anything  about  gram- 
matical correctness ;  but  there  are  other  persons  who 
tare  a  great  deal  about  it,  but  unfortunately  do  not 
know  what  it  consists  in.  Such  folks  are  very  fond  of 
saying,  "  How  it  rain  !"  "  It  fit  you  very  well."  "  He 
say  he  think  it  very  unbecoming."  "  I  were  gone  before 


78  THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 

you  was  come,"  and  so  forth,  in  which  fornns  of  speech 
they  perceive  a  peculiar  elegance. 

The  infinitive  mood,  or  part  of  a  sentence,  is  som( 
times  used  as  the  nominative  case  to  the  verb:  as,  "  to 
be  good  is  to  be  happy:"  which  is  as  grammatical  an 
assertion  as  "  Toby  Good  is  Toby  Happy ;"  and  rather 
surpasses  it  in  respect  of  sense.  *'  That  two  pippins! 
are  a  pair,  is  a  proposition  which  no  man  in  his  senses 
will  deny." 

"  To  be  a  connoisseur  in  boots, 
To  hate  all  rational  pursuits, 
To  make  your  money  fly,  as  though 
Gold  would  as  fast  as  mushrooms  grow ; 
To  haunt  the  Opera,  save  whene'er 
There's  anything  worth  hearing  there; 
To  smirk,  to  smile,  to  bow,  to  dance, 
To  talk  of  what  they  eat  in  France, 
To  languish,  simper,  sue,  and  sigh. 
And  stuff  her  head  with  flattery  ; 
Are  means  to  gain  that  worthless  part, 
A  fashionable  lady's  heart." 

Here  are  examples  enough,  in  all  conscience,  of  in- 
finitive moods  serving  as  nominative  cases. 

All  verbs,  save  only  in  the  infinitive  mood  or  parti- 
ciple, require  a  nominative  ease  either  expressed  or 
understood :  as,  "  Row  with  me  down  the  river,"  that 
is  "Row  thou,  or  do  thou  row."  "Come  where  the 
aspens  quiver,"  "come  thou,  or  do  thou  come."  "Fly 
not  yet;"  "fly  not  thou,  or  do  not  thou  fly."  "Pass 
the  ruby;"  "pass  thou,  or  do  thou  pass  the  ruby"  (not 
the  RubicoM\ 


i 


SYNTAX. 


79 


A  well  known  popular  song  affords  an  example  of 
the  violation  of  this  rule. 

"  Ven  as  the  Captain  corned  for  to  hear  on't, 
Wery  much  applauded  vot  she'd  done." 


The  verb  applauded  has  here  no  nominative  case, 
whereas  it  ought  to  have  been  governed  by  the  pronoun 
he.     "  He  very  much  applauded,"'  &c. 

Every  nominative  case,  except  when  made  absolute, 
or  used,  like  the  Latin  Vocative,  in  addressing  a  per- 
son, should  belong  to  some  verb,  implied  if  not  ex- 
pressed.    A  beautiful    example    of  this   grammatical 


80  THE   COMIC    ENGLISH   GRAMMAR. 

maxim,  and  one,  too,  that  explains  itself,  is  impressed 
upon  the  mind  very  soon  after  its  first  introduction  to 
Utters :  as, 

"  Who  kiU'd  Cock  Robin  ? 

I  said  the  sparrow. 
With  my  bow  and  arrow  j 
/  kiird  Cock  Robin." 
Of  the  neglect  of  this  rule   also,  the  ballad  lately 
mentioned  presents  an  instance  :  as, 

"  Four-and-twenty  brisk  young  fellows 

Clad  in  jackets,  blue  array, — 
And  they  took  poor  Billy  Taylor 
From  his  true  love  all  avay." 
The  only  verb  in  these  four  lines  is  the  verb  iookj 
which  is  governed  by  the  pronoun  they.    The  four-and- 
twenty  brisk  young  fellows,  therefore,  though  undenia- 
bly in  the  nominative,  have  no  verb  to  belong  to  :  while, 
at  the   same   time,  whatever   may  be  thought  of  their 
behavior  to  Mr.   William  Taylor,  they  are  certainly 
not  absolute  in  point  of  ease. 

When  a  verb  comes  between  two  nouns,  either  of 
which  may  be  taken  as  the  subject  of  the  affirmation,  it 
may  agree  with  either  of  them  :  as,  "  Two-and-six- 
pence  is  half-a-crown."  Due  regard,  however,  should 
be  paid  to  that  noun  which  is  most  naturally  the  sub- 
ject  of  the  verb  :  it  would  be  clearly  wrong  to  say, 
*>'  Ducks  and  green  peas  is  a  delicacy."  "  Fleas  is  n 
nuisance." 

A  nominative  case,  standing  without  a  personal  tense 
of  a  verb,  and  being  put  before  a  participle,  indepen- 
dently  of  the  rest  of  the  sentence,  is  called  a  case  abso- 
Jute :  as,  "  My    brethren,  to-morrow   being   Sunday,  I 


SYNTAX. 


81 


shall  preach  a  sermon  in  John  street ;  after  which  we 
shall  join  in  a  hymn,  and  that  having  been  sung,  Brother 
Biggs  will  address  you." 

The  objective  case  is  sometimes  incorrectly  made 
absolute  by  showmen  and  others  :  as,  "  Here,  gentle- 
men and  ladies,  you  will  see  that  great  warrior  Na- 
poleon Bonaparte,  standing  agin  a  tree  with  his  hands 
in  his  breeches  pockets,  him  taking  good  care  to  keep 
out  of  harm's  vay.  And  there,  on  the  extreme  right, 
you  will  observe  the  Duky  Vellington  a  valking  about 
amidst  the  red-hot  cannon  balls,  him  not  caring  von 

St"S.W." 


RULE  IT. 
Two  or  more  singular  nouns,  joined  together  by  a 
«c  mlative  conjunction,  expressed,  or  understood,   are 

6 


82  THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 

equivalent  to  a  plural  noun,  and  therefore  require  verbs, 
nouns,  and  pronouns,  agreeing  with  them  in  the  plural 
number  :  as,  "  Veal,  wine,  and  vinegar  are  very  good 
victuals  I  vow."  "  Burke  and  Hare  were  nice  men." 
*■'  A  hat  without  a  crown,  a  tattered  coat,  threadbare 
and  out  at  elbows,  a  pair  of  breeches  which  looked  like 
a  piece  of  dirty  ;)atchvvork  diversified  by  various  holes, 
and  of  boots  which  a  Jew  would  hardly  have  raked 
from  a  kennel,  at  once  proclaimed  him  a  man  who  had 
seen  better  days." 

This  rule  is  not  always  adhered  to  in  discourse  quite 
so  closely  as  a  fastidious  ear  would  require  it  to  be : 
as,  "  And  so,  you  know,  Mary,  and  I,  and  Jane  was  a 
dusting  the  chairs,  and  in  comes  Missus." 

KULE  III. 

When  the  conjunction  disjunctive  comes  between. 
iwp  nouns,  the  verb,  noun,  or  pronoun,  is  of  the  singu- 
lar number,  because  it  refers  to  each  of  such  nouns 
taken  separately  :  as,  "  A  cold  in  the  head,  or  a  sore 
eye  is  a  great  disadvantage  to  a  lover." 

If  singular  pronouns,  or  a  noun  and  pronoun  of  dif- 
ferent persons,   be   disjunctively   connected,  the    verb 
must  agree  with  the  person  which  stands  nearest  to  it : 
as,  "  I. or  thou  art."     "  Thou  or  I  a/n."     "  I,  thou,  or 
he  is,"  &c.     But  as  this  way  of  writing  or  speaking  is 
very  inelegant,  and  as  saying,  "  Either  I  am,  or  thou 
art,"  and  so  on,  will  always  render  having  recourse  to 
it  unnecessary,  the  rule  just  laid   down  is  almost  use-    K 
less,  except  inasmuch  as  it  suggests  a  moral  maxim,    w 
namely,  "  Always  be  on   good  terms  witli  your  next   |.' 
door  neighbor."  i ,' 

It  also  forcibly  reminds  us  of  some  beautiful  lines  by   \i 


I 


SYNTAX.  83 

Moore,  in  which  the  lieart,  like  a  tendril,  is  said  to 
twine  round  the  "  nearest  and  loveliest  thing."  Now 
the  person  which  is  placed  nearest  the  verb  is  the  ob- 
ject of  choice  ;  ergo,  the  most  agreeable  person — ergo, 
the  loveliest  person  or  thing. 

Should  a  conjunction  disjunctive  occur  between  a 
singular  noun  or  pronoun,  and  a  plural  one,  the  verb 
agrees  with  the  plural  noun  or  pronoun :  as,  "  Neither 
a  king  nor  his  courtiers  are  averse  to  butter :"  (partic- 
ularly when  thickly  spread.)  "  Darius  or  the  Persians 
were  hostile  to  Greece." 

RULE  IV. 

A  noun  or  multitude,  that  is,  one  which  signifies 
many,  can  have  a  verb  or  Pronoun  to  agree  with  it 
either  in  the  singular  or  plural  number  ;  according  to 
the  import  of  such  noun,  as  conveying  unity  or  plurali- 
ty of  idea  :  as,  "The  nation  Z5  humbugged."  "The 
multitude  have  to  pay  many  taxes."  "  The  city  Coun- 
cil are  at  a  loss  to  know  what  to  do."  "  The  people  is 
a  many  headed  monster." 

RULE  V. 

Pronouns  agree  with  their  antecedents,  and  with  the 
nouns  to  which  they  belong,  in  gender  and  number  :  as, 
«  This  is  the  blow  which  killed  Ned."  "  England  was 
once  governed  by  a  celebrated  King,  icho  was  called 
Rufus  the  Red,  but  whose  name  was  by  no  means  so 
illustrious  as  that  of  Alfred."  "  General  M.  and  the 
Lieutenant  had  put  on  their  boots."  "  The  lady  ap- 
peared, and  she  smiled,  but  the  smile  belied  her  feel- 
ings." 

The  relative  being  of  the  same  person  with  the  ante- 


84 


THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 


cedent,  the  verb  always  agrees  with  it :  as,  "  Thou  wJio 
learnest  Syntax."     "  I  who  enlighten  thy  mind." 

The  objective  case  of  the  personal  pronouns  is  by 
some,  for  want  of  better  information,  employed  in  the 
place  of  these  and  those  :  as,  "  Let  the?)i  things  alone." 
"  Now  then,  Jemes,  make  haste  with  them  chops."  The 
adverb  there,  is  .-sometimes,  with  additional  impropriety, 
joined  to  the  pronoun  the?n  :  as,  "  Look  after  them  there 
sheep." 

The  objective  case  of  a  pronoun  in  the  first  pei'son  is 
put  after  the  interjections  Oh  !  and  Ah !  as,  "  Oh  ! 
dear  me,"  &c.  The  second  person,  however,  requires 
a  nominative  case  :  as,  "  Oh  !  you  good-for.nothing 
man  !"  "  Ah  !  thou  gay  Lothario  !" 


"Oh!  you  good-for-nothing  man.' 


SYNTAX.  85 

RULE  VI. 

When  there  is  no  nominative  case  between  the  rel- 
ative and  the  verb,  the  relative  itself  is  the  nominative 
to  the  verb  :  as,  "  The  master  who  flogged  us."  "  The 
rods  which  were  used." 

But  when  the  nominative  comes  between  the  relative 
and  the  verb,  the  relative  exchanges,  as  it  were,  the 
character  of  sire  for  that  of  sou,  and  becomes  the  gov- 
erned instead  of  the  governor ;  depending  for  its  case 
on  some  word  in  its  own  member  of  the  sentence  :  as, 
''  He  who  is  now  at  the  head  oi'  affairs,  whom  the  people 
delight  to  honor,  and  to  whom  is  intrusted  the  helm  of 
state — is  a  Polk. 

RULE  VII. 

The  relative  and  the  verb,  when  the  former  is  pre- 
ceded by  two  nominatives  of  different  persons,  may 
agree  in  person  with  either,  according  to  the  sense  :  as, 
"  I  am  the  young  gentleman  who  do  the  lovers  at  the 
Chatham;"  or,  ^^  toho  does." 

Let  this  maxim  be  borne  constantly  in  mind.  "A 
murderer  of  good  characters  should  always  be  made  an 
example  of." 

RULE  VIII, 

Every  adjective,  and  every  adjective  pronoun,  re- 
lates to  a  substantive,  expressed  or  implied  :  as,  "Dan- 
do  was  an  unprincipled,  as  well  as  a  voracious  man." 
"Few  quarrel  with  their  bread  and  butter;"  that  is, 
"  few  persons."  "  This  is  the  wonderful  eagle  of  the 
sun."     That  is,  "  This  eagle,"  &c. 

Adjective  pronouns  agree  in  number  with  their  sub- 
stantives :  "  This  muff,  these  muffs ;  that  booby,  these 
boobies  ;  another  numscuU,  other  numsculls."^ 


m 


THE   CCMIC    ENGLISH    GRAMMAB. 


The  young  Gentleman  what  does  tlic  Lovers. 

Some  people  say,  "  Those  kind  of  things,"  or,  "  This 
four-and-twenty  year,"  neither  of  which  expressions 
they  have  any  business  to  use. 

Adjectives  are  sometimes  improperly  used  as  ad- 
verbs :  as,  "  He  behaved  very  bad."  "  He  insulted  me 
most  gross.''  "  He  eat  and  drank  uncommon."  "  He 
wur  beat  very  severe."  "  It  hailed  tremendous,"  or, 
more  commonly,  '^tremenjus." 


RULE  IX. 
The  article  a  or  an  agrees  with  nouns  in  the  singular 
number  oaly :  as,  "  A  fool,  an  ass,  a  simpleton,  a  nin- 


SYNTAX. 


87 


ny,  &  lout — I  would  not  give  a  farthing  for  a  thousand 
such." 

The  definite  article  ihe  may  agree  with  nouns  in  the 
singular  and  plural  number  :  as,  "  The  toast,  the  ladies, 
the  ducks." 

The  articles  are  often  properly  omitted  ;  when  used, 
they  serve  to  determine  or  limit  the  thing  spoken  of: 
as,  "Variety  is  charming."  "  Familiarity  doth  breed 
contempt."  "  A  stitch  in  time  saves  nine."  "  The. 
heart  that  has  truly  loved  never  forgets." 

RULE  X. 
One  substantive,  in  the  possessive  or  genitive  case,  is 
governed  by  another,  of  a  different  meaning  :  as,  "  A 
fiddle-stick's   end."     "Monkey's   allowance."     "Vir- 
tue's reward." 


RULE  XL 
Active  verbs  govern  the  objective  case  :  as,  "  I  kiss- 
ed her."    "She  scratched  me."    "Virtue  rewards  her 
followers." 


88  THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 

For  which  reason  she  is  like  a  cook. 

Verbs  neuter  do  not  govern  an  objective  case.  Ob- 
serve, therefore,  that  such  phrases :  as,  "  She  cried  a 
good  one"  "  He  came  the  old  soldier  over  me,"  and  so 
forth,  are  highly  improper  in  a  grammatical  point  of 
view,  to  say  nothing  of  other  objections  to  them. 

These  verbs,  however,  are  capable  of  governing 
words  of  a  meaning  similar  to  their  own  :  as,  in  the 
affecting  ballad  of  Giles  Scroggins — 

"I  wont,  she  cried,  and  screamed  a  scream." 

The  verb  To  Be  has  the  same  case  after  it  as  that 
which  goes  before  it :  as,  "//!  was  i,"  not  "  It  was  me" 
"  The  Grubhs  were  they  who  eat  so  much  tripe  at  our 
last  party;"  not  "The  Gruhhses  were  them." 

RULE  xir. 

One  verb  governs  another  that  depends  upon  it,  in  the 
infinitive  mood:  as,  "Cease  to  smoke  pipes."  "Begin 
io  wear  collars."  "I  advise  you  io  ^/lare."  "I  recom- 
mend you  to  go  to  church."  "  I  resolved  to  visit  the 
Carolinas." 

"  And  there  I  learned  to  wheel  about 
And  jump  Jim  Crow." 

In  general  the  preposition  to  is  used  before  the  latter 
of  two  verbs;  but  sometimes  it  is  more  properly  omit- 
ted :  as,  "  I  saw  you  take  it,  young  feWow ;  come  along 
with  me."  "Let  me  get  hold  of  you,  that's  all!" 
"  Did  I  hear  you  speak  .?"  "  I'll  let  you  know  /"  "  You 
dare  not  hit  me."  "Bid  me  discourse."  "You  need 
not  sing." 

The  proposition  for  is  sometimes  unnecessarily  in- 
truded into  a  sentence,  in  addition  to  the  preposition  to, 
before  an  infinitive  mood :  as.  How  came  you  for  to 


89 


think, ybr  to  go,  for  to  do  such  a  thing  '^"  Do  you  want 
me  for  to  punch  your  head?" 

Adjectives,  substantives,  and  participles,  often  govern 
the  infinitive  mood  :  as,  *'  Miss  Hopkins,  I  shall  be 
happy  to  dance  the  next  set  with  you."  "  Oh  !  Sir,  it 
is  impossible  to  refuse  you."  "  Have  you  an  inclina- 
tion to  waltz  ?"  "  I  shall  be  delighted  in  endeavoring 
to  do  so." 

The  infinitive  mood  is  frequently  made  absolute,  that 
is,  independent  of  the  rest  of  the  sentence  :  as,  "  To 
say  the  truth,  I  was  rather  the  worse  for  liquor."  "  Not 
to  mince  matters,  Miss,  I  love  you," 


s^^: 


90  THE    COMIC    ENGLISH    GRAMMAR. 

RULE  XIII. 
The  relation  which  words  and  phrases  bear  to  each 
other  in  point  of  time,  should  always  be  duly  marked  : 
instead  of  saying,  "  Last  night  I  intended  to  have  made 
strong  love  to  her,"  we  should  say,  "  Last  night  I  intend- 
ed to  make  strong  love  to  her;"  because,  although  the 
intention  of  making  strong  love  may  have  been  aban- 
doned (on  reflection)  this  morning,  and  is  now,  there- 
fore, a  thing  which  is  past,  yet  it  is  undoubtedly,  when 
last  night  and  the  thoughts  connected  with  it  are  brought 
back,  again  present  to  the  mind. 

RULE  XIV. 

Participles  have  the  same  power  of  government  with 
that  of  the  verbs  from  which  they  are  derived :  as,  "  Oh, 
what  an  exquisite  singer  Rubini  is  !  I  am  so  fond  of 
hearing  him."  "  Look  at  that  horrid  man  ;  I  declare 
he  is  quizzing  us!"  "No,  he  is  only  taking  snuff." 
"  See,  how  that  thing  opposite  keeps  making  mouths." 
"  How  fond  they  all  are  of  wearing  mustaches  !  Don't 
you  like  it  1"  "  Oh,  yes  !  there  is  no  resisting  them." 
"  Heigho  !  I  am  dying  to  have  an  ice — " 

Young  man  for  a  husband.  Miss  ? 

For  shame.  Sir !  don't  be  rude  ! 

Participles  are  sometimes  used  as  substantives :  as, 
"  The  French  mouth  is  adapted  to  the  making  of  grim 
aces."  "The  cobbler  is  like  the  parson;  he  lives  by 
the  mending  of  soles."  "  The  tailor  reaps  a  good  harvest 
from  the  sewing  of  cloth."  "Did  you  ever  see  a  shoot- 
ing of  the  moon  ?" 

Is  this  what  the  witches  mean  when  they  sing,  in 
llie  acting  play  of  Macbeth, 


SYNTAX.  91 

"  We /^  by  night?" 

If'they  "  shoot  the  moon,"  they  are  shooting  stars. 

There  is  a  mode  of  using  the  indefinite  article  a  be- 
fore a  participle,  for  which  there  is  no  occasion,  as  it 
does  not  convert  the  participle  into  a  substantive,  and 
makes  no  alteration  in  the  sense  of  what  is  said ;  in 
this  case  the  article,  therefore,  is  like  a  wart,  a  wen,  oi^ 
a  knob  at  the  end  of  the  nose,  neither  useful  nor  orna- 
mental: as,  "Going  out  a  shooting."  "Are  you  a 
comins:  to-morrow?"  "I  was  a  thinking  about  what 
Jem  said."    "Here  you  are,  a  going  of  it,  as  usual!" 

A  liberty  not  unfrequently  taken  with  the  English 
Language,  is  the  substitution  of  the  perfect  participle 
for  the  imperfect  tense,  and  of  the  imperfect  tense  for 
the  perfect  participle  :  as,  "  He  run  like  mad,  with  the 
great  dog  after  him."  "  Maria  come  and  told  us  all 
about  it."  "  When  I  had  wrote  the  Valentine,  I  sealed 
it  with  my  thimble."  "  He  has  rose  to  (be)  a  common- 
councilman."  "I  was  c^o^e  Lord  Mayor."  "Vve  eat 
(or  a  eat)  lots  of  vension  in  my  time."  "I  should  have 
spoke  if  you  hadn't  put  in  your  oar."  "You  were 
mistook."  "  He  sent  her  an  affecting  copy  of  verses, 
which  was  wrote  with  a  Perryian  pen." 

RULE  XV. 
Adverbs  are  generally  placed  in  a  sentence  before 
adjectives,  after  verbs  active  or  neuter,  and  frequently 
between  the  auxiliary  and  the  verb  :  as,  "  He  came.  Sir, 
and  he  ioas  most  exceedingly  drunk ;  he  could  hardly 
stand  upon  his  legs ;  he  made  a  very  lame  discourse ; 
he  spoke  incoherently  and  ridiculously ;  and  was  impa- 
tiently heard  by  the  whole  assembly."  "  He  is  fashiona- 
bly dressed."    "She  is  conspicuously  iigly-"     "  The  eye 


92 


THE   COMIC    ENGLISH   GRAMMAR. 


of  jealousy  is  proverUally  sliarp,  and  yet  it  w  indispu- 
tally  green."  "  The  French  Marquis  was  a  very  cliarm- 
ing  man  ;  he  danced  exquisitely  and  nimbly,  and  was 
greatly  admired  by  all  the  ladies." 


Several  adverbs  have  been  coined  of  late  ;  and  some 
of  them  are  very  remarkable  for  a  "particular"  ele- 
gance :  as,  "  I  reckon  you're  catawampously  chawed  up." 

In  the  example  just  given  there  is  to  be  found,  be- 
sides tlie  new  adverb,  a  word  which,  if  not  also  new  to 


SYNTAX.  93 

the  English  student,  is  rendered  so  both  by  its  orthog- 
raphy and  pronunciation  ;  namely,  chawed.  This  term 
is  no  other  than  "chewed,"  modified.  "Chawed  up" 
is  a  very  strong  expression,  and  is  employed  to  signify 
the  most  complete  state  of  discomfiture  and  defeat, 
when  a  man  is  as  m.uch  crushed,  mashed,  and  com- 
minuted, morally  speaking,  as  if  he  had  literally  and 
corporeally  undergone  the  process  of  mastication. 
"  Catawampously"  is  a  concentration  of  "  hopelessly," 
"tremendously,"  "thoroughly,"  and  "irrevocably;" 
so  that  "  catawampously  chawed  up,"  means,  brought 
as  nearly  to  a  state  of  utter  annihilation  as  anything 
consistently  with  the  laws  of  nature  can  possibly  be. 
For  the  metaphorical  use  of  the  word  "  chawed,"  three 
several  reasons  have  been  given:  1.  Familiarity  with 
the  manner  in  which  the  alligator  disposes  of  his  vic- 
tims. 2.  The  cannibalism  of  the  Aborigines.  3.  The 
delicate  practice  of  chewing  tobacco.  Each  of  these 
is  supported  by  numerous  arguments,  on  the  considera- 
tion of  which  it  would  be  quite  out  of  the  question  to 
enter  in  this  place. 

RULE  XVI. 

Two  English  negatives  (like  French  lovers)  destroy 
one  another, — and  become  equivalent  to  an  affirmative  : 
as,  "  The  question  befox'e  the  House  was  7iot  an  unini' 
portant  one  ;"  that  is,  "  it  was  an  important  one."  "  Mr. 
Brown  was  free  to  confess  that  he  did  not  undertake  to 
say  that  he  would  not,  on  some  future  occasion  give  a 
satisfactory  answer  to  the  honorable  gentleman." 

Thus,  at  one  and  the  same  time,  we  teach  our  read- 
ers Syntax  and  secretiveness. 

It  is  probable  that  small  boys  are  often  unacquainted 


94         THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GKAMMAK. 

with  this  rule  ;  for  many  of  them,  while  undergoing 
personal  chastisement,  exclaim,  for  the  purpose,  as  it 
would  appear,  of  causing  its  duration  to  be  shortened 
— "Oh  pray.  Sir,  oh  pray.  Sir,  oh  pray,  Sir!  I  won't 
do  so  no  more !" 

RULE  XVII. 

Prepositions  govern  Ihe  objective  case :  as,  "  What 
did  the  butcher  say  of  her?"  "  He  said  that  she  would 
never  do  for  him  ;  that  she  was  too  tliin  for  a  wfe,  and 
he  was  not  fond  if  a  spare  rib." 

The  delicate  ear  is  much  offended  by  any  deviation 
from   this   rule :    as,  in  a  shocking  and  vulgar  song 
which  it  was  once  our  misfortune  to  hear  : — 
"  There  I  found  the  faithless  she 
Frying  sausages  ybr  he."  . 

We  had  occasion,  in  the  Etymology,  to  remark  on  a 
certain  misuse  of  the  preposition,  of.  This,  perhaps, 
is  best  explained  by  stating  that  of,  in  the  instances 
cited,  is  made  to  usurp  the  government  of  cases  which 
are  already  under  a  rightful  jurisdiction :  as,  "  What 
are  you  got  a  eating  of?"  "  He  had  been  a  beating 
of  his  wife." 

RULE  XVIIL 

Conjunctions  connect  similar  moods  and  tenses  of 
verbs,  and  cases  of  nouns  and  pronouns :  as,  "  A  coat 
of  arms  suspended  on  a  wall  is  like  an  executed  traitor; 
it  is  hanged,  drawn,  and  quartered."  "  If  you  continue 
thus  to  drink  brandy  and  water  and  to  smoke  cigars, 
you  will  be  like  Boreas  the  North  wind,  who  takes  '  cold 
without'  wherever  he  goes,  and  always  '.  blows  a  cloud' 
when  it  comes  in  his  way."     "Do  you  think  there  is 


SYNTAX. 


95 


any  thing  between  him  and  her .?"     "  Yes  ;  he  and  she 
are  engaged  ones." 


Note. — To  ask  whether  there  is  any  thing  between 
two  persons  of  opposite  sexes,  is  one  way  of  inquiring 
whether  they  are  in  love  with  each  other.  It  is  not, 
however,  in  our  opinion,  a  very  happy  phrase,  inas- 
much as  whatever  intervenes  between  a  couple  of  fond 
liearts,  must  tend  to  prevent  them  from  coming  together. 

RULE  XIX. 
Some  conjunotions  govern  the  indicative  ;   some  the 
tjubjunctive  mood.     In  general,  it  is  right  to  use  the 


06         THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 

subjunctive,  when  contingency  or  doubt  is  implied  :  as, 
'^  If  I  were  to  say  that  the  moon  is  made  of  green 
cheese."  ''  If  I  were  a  wiseacre."  "  If  I  toere  a  Wilt- 
shire-man." "A  lady,  unless  she  be  toasted,  is  never 
drunk." 

And  when  she  is  toasted,  those  who  are  drunk,  are 
generally  the  gentlemen. 


"  The  Liidics ! 


I 

■ 


Those  conjunctions  which  have  a  positive  and  abso. 
lute  signification,  require  the  indicative  mood:  as,  "Hi 
who  fasts  may  be  compared  to  a  horse  :  for  as  the  ani 
mal  eats  not  a  bit,  so  neither  does  the  man  partake  of-  a 
morsel."  "The  rustic  is  deluded  by  false  hopes,  ybr 
his  daily  food  is  gammon." 

Every  philosopher  has  his  weak  points,  and  in  the 
Sylva  Sylvarum  may  be  found  some  gammon  of  Bacon. 

RULE  XX.  I 

,  When  a  comparison  is  made  between  two  or  more 
things,  the  latter  noun  or  pronoun  is  not  governed  by. 


SYNTAX. 


97 


the  conjunction  than  or  as,  but  agrees  with  the  verb,  or 
is  governed  by  the  verb  or  preposition,  expressed  or 
understood  :  as,  "  The  Fi'ench  ai-e  a  lighter  people  than 
we,"  (that  is  "  than  we  are,")  "  and  yet  we  are  not  so 
dark  as  they,"  that  is,  "as  they  are."  "  I  should  think 
that  they  admire  me  more  than  them,"  that  is,  "than 
they  admire  them."  "  It  is  a  shame,  Martha !  you 
were  thinking  more  of  that  young  officer  than  me," 
that  is,  "of  me." 

Sufficient  attention  is  not  always  paid,  in  discourse, 
to  this  rule.  Thus,  a  schoolboy  may  be  often  heard  to 
exclaim,  "  What  did  you  hit  me  for,  you  great  fool  ? 


vou're   bigger  than  me.     Hit   some   one  of  your  own 
siae!"    "  Not  fling  farther  than  him?  just  can't  I,  that's 
all !"     "You  and  I  have  got  more  marbles  than  the/n." 
7 


98  THE  COMIC  e:nglish  grammar. 

RULE  XXI. 

An  ellipsis,  or  omission  of  certain  words,  is  frequent- 
ly allowed,  for  the  sake  of  avoiding  disagreeable  repeti- 
tions, and  of  expressing  our  ideas  in  a  few  words.  In- 
stead of  saying,  "  She  was  a  little  woman,  she  was  a 
round  woman,  and  she  was  an  old  woman,"  we  say, 
making  use  of  the  figure  Ellipsis,  "  She  was  a  little, 
round,  and  old  woman." 

When,  however,  the  omission  of  words  is  productive 
of  obscurity,  weakens  the  sentence,  or  involves  a  viola- 
tion of  some  grammatical  principle,  the  ellipsis  must 
not  be  used.  It  is  improper  to  say,  "Puddings  fill  who 
fill  them  ;"  we  should  supply  the  word  tliose.  "  A  beauti- 
ful leg  of  mutton  and  turnips"  is  not  good  language : 
those  who  would  deserve  what  they  are  talking  about 
ought  to  say,  "A  beautiful  leg  of  mutton  and  fine 
turnips." 

In  common  discourse,  in  which  the  meaning  can  be 
eked   out   by  gestures,  signs,  and  inarticulate   sounds 
variously  modified,  the  ellipsis  is  much  more  liberally 
and  more  extensively  employed  than  in  written  com- 
position.    "  May  I  have  the  pleasure  of — hum  ?  ha  V' 
may  constitute  an  invitation  to  take  wine.     "  I  shall  be 
quite — a — a — "  may  serve  as  an  answer  in  the  affir- 
mative.    "  So  then  you  see  he  was — eh  ! — you  see — ," 
is  perhaps  an  intimation  that  a  man  has  been  hanged. 
"  Well,  of  all  the — I  never  !"  is  often  tantamount  to 
three  times  as  many  words  expressive  of  surprise,  ap- 
probation, or  disapprobation,  according  to  the  tone  in  i, 
which  it  is  uttered.     "  Will  j^ou  ? — ah  ! — will  you  ? —  | 
ah! — ah! — ah!"  will  do  either  for  "Will  you  be  so  !' 
impertinent,  }  ou  scoundrel?    will  vou  dare   to  do  so 


SYNTAX.  99 

another  time  ?"  or,  "  Will  you,  dearest,  loveliest,  most 
adorable  of  your  sex,  will  you  consent  to  make  me 
happy  ;  will  you  be  mine  ?  speak  !  answer,  I  entreat 
you !  One  word  from  those  sweet  lips  will  make  me 
the  most  fortunate  man  in  existence  !" 

There  is,  however,  a  kind  of  ellipsis  which  those  who 
indulge  in  that  style  of  epistolary  writing,  wherein 
sentiments  of  a  tender  nature  are  conveyed,  will  do 
well  to  avoid  with  the  greatest  care.  The  ellipsis  al- 
luded to,  is  that  of  the  first  person  singular  of  the  per- 
sonal pronoun,  as  instanced  in  the  following  model  of  a 
billet-doux  : — 

Camberwell, 
April  1,  1844. 

MY    DEAKEST    FANNY, 

Have  not  enjoyed  the  balm  of  sleep  all  the  live- 
long night.  Encountered,  last  night,  at  the  ball,  the 
beau  ideal  of  my  heart.  Never  knew  what  love  was 
till  then.  Derided  the  sentiment  often  ;  jested  at  scars, 
because  had  never  felt  a  wound.  Feel  at  last  the 
power  of  beauty — Write  with  a  tremulous  hand  ;  waver 
between  hope  and  fear.  Hope  to  be  thougiit  not  alto- 
gether unworthy  of  regard  :  fear  to  be  rejected  as 
having  no  pretensions  to  the  affections  of  such  unparall- 
eled loveliness.  Know  not  in  what  terms  to  declare  my 
feelings.  Adore  you,  worship  you,  dote  on  you,  am 
wrapt  up  in  you  !  think  but  on  you,  live  but  for  you, 
would  willingly  die  for  you  ! — in  short,  love  you  !  and 
imploring  you  to  have  some  compassion  on  one  who  is 
distracted  for  your  sake 

Remain 

Devotedly  yours 
T.  Tout, 


100        THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GKAMMAE- 

RULE  XXII. 

A  Regular  and  dependent  construction  should  be  care- 
fully preserved  throughout  the  whole  of  a  sentence,  and 
all  its  parts  should  correspond  to  each  other.  There  is, 
therefore,  an  inaccuracy  in  the  following  sentence  ; 
"  Greenacre  was  more  admired,  but  not  so  much  lament- 
ed, as  Burke."  It  should  be,  "Greenacre  was  more 
admired  than  Burke,  but  not  so  much  lamented." 

Of  these  two  worthies  there  will  be  a  notice  of  the 
following  kind  in  a  biographical  dictionary,  to  be  pub- 
lished a  thousand  years  hence  in  America. 

Greenacre. — A  celebrated  critic  who  so  cut  up  a 
blue-stocking  lady  of  the  name  of  Brown,  that  he  did 
not  leave  her  a  leg  to  stand  upon. 

Burke. — A  famous  orator,  whose  power  of  stopping 
people's  mouths  was  said  to  be  prodigious.  It  is  farther 
reported  of  him  that  he  was  only  once  hung  up,  and 
that  on  the  occasion  of  the  last  speech  he  ever  made. 

Perhaps  it  may  be  said  that  the  rule  last  stated  com- 
prehends all  preceding  rules  and  requires  exemplifica- 
tion accordingly.  We  therefore  call  the  attention  of 
the  reader  to  the  following  paragraph,  requesting  him  to 
consider  what,  and  how  many,  violations  of  the  maxims* 
of  Syntax  it  contains.  j 

"  We  teaches,  that  is,  my  son  and  me  teaches,  thef 
boys  English  Grammar.  Tom  or  Dick  have  learned^ 
something  every  day  but  Harry  what  is  idler,  whom  I 
am  sure  will  never  come  to  no  good,  for  he  is  always  a 
miching  and  doing  those  kind  of  things  (he  was  catch 
but  yesterday  in  a  skittle  grounds)  he  only  makes  his 
book  all  dog's  ears.  I  beat  he,  too,  pretty  smartish,  asj 
I  ought,  you  will  say,  for  to  have  did.      I  v.as  going  tOi 


I 


WALT  DiSN: 

SYNTAX.    *-—-»- :^-*^-„iaL,.»^, 

have  sent  him  away  last  week  but  he  somehow  got 
o\  er  me  as  he  do  always.  I  have  had  so  much  trouble 
with  he,  that  between  you  and  I,  if  I  was  not  paid  for 
it,  I  wouldn't  have  no  more  to  do  with  such  a  boy. 
There  never  wasn't  a  monkey  more  mischicvious  than 
him  ;  and  a  donkey  isn't  more  stupider  and  not  half  so 
obstinate  as  that  youngster." 

The  Syntax  of  the  Interjection  has  been  sufficiently 
stated  under  Rule  V.  Interjections  afford  more  matter 
for  consideration  in  a  Treatise  on  Elocution  than  they 
do  in  a  work  on  Grammar ;  but  there  is  one  observa- 
tion which  we  are  desirous  of  making  respecting  thcni, 
and  which  will  not,  it  is  hoped,  be  thought  altogether 
foreign  to  our  present  subject.  Almost  every  interjec- 
tion has  a  great  variety  of  meanings,  adapted  to  par- 
ticular occasions  and  circumstances,  and  indicated 
chiefly  by  the  tone  of  the  voice.  Of  this  proposition  wc 
shall  now  give  a  i^ew  illustrations,  which  we  would  en- 
deavor to  render  still  clearer  by  the  addition  of  musical 
uotes,  but  that  these  would  hardly  express,  with  adequate 
exactness,  the  modulations  of  sound  to  which  we  allude; 
and  besides,  we  hope  to  be  sufficiently  understood  with- 
out  such  help.  This  part  of  the  Grammar  should  be 
read  aloud  by  the  student;  or,  which  is  better  still,  the 
interjection,  where  it  is  possible,  should  be  repeated 
with  the  proper  intonation  by  a  class  ;  the  sentence 
which  gives  occasion  to  it  being  read  by  the  preceptor. 
We  will  select  the  interjection  Oh  !  as  the  source  from 
which  our  examples  are  to  be  drawn. 

"  I'll  give  it  to  you,  you  idle  dog  :  I  will !" 
"  Oh,  pray.  Sir!  Oh,  pray.  Sir !  Oh  !  Oh  !  Ob  I" 
"  I  shall  ever  have  the  highest  esteem  for  yo-j,  Sir  ; 
but  as  to  love,  that  is  out  of  the  question." 


102         THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 

"  Oh,  Matilda  !" 

"  I  say,  Jim,  look  at  that  chaffinch  :  there's  a  shy  !" 

«  Oh,  Crikey !" 

"  Miss  Timms,  do  you  admire  Lord  Byron  ?" 

"  Oh,  yes  !" 

"  What  do  you  think  of  Rubini's  singing  ?" 

"  Oh  !" 

"  So  then,  you  see,  we  popped  round  the  corner,  and 
caught  them  just  in  the  nick  of  time." 

"Oh!" 

"  Sir,  your  behavior  has  done  you  great  credit." 

"Oh!" 

"Oats  are  looking  up." 

"Oh!" 

"  Honorable  Members  might  say  what  they  pleased  ; 
but  he  was  convinced,  for  liis  part,  tliat  the  New  Poor 
Law  had  given  great  general  satisfaction." 

"  Oh  !  oh  !" 

There  being  now  no  reason  (or  rule)  to  detain  us  in 
the  Syntax,  we  shall  forthwith  advance  into  Prosody, 
where  we  shall  have  something  to  say,  not  only  aboui 
rules,  but  also  of  measures. 


PROSODY.  103 

PART    I Y. 

PROSODY. 

Prosody  consists  of  two  parts  ;  wherefore,  although 
it  may  be  a  topic,  a  head,  or  subject  for  discussion,  it 
can  never  be  a  point ;  for  a  point  is  that  which  hath  no 
parts.  Besides,  tliere  are  a  great  many  Unes  to  be  con- 
sidered in  the  second  part  of  Prosody,  which  treats  of 
Versification.  The  first  division  teaches  the  true  Pro- 
nunciation of  Words,  including  Accent,  Quantity,  Em- 
phasis, Pause,  and  Tone. 

Lord  Chestei-field's  book  about  manners,  which  is  in- 
tended to  teach  us  the  proper  tone  to  be  adopted  in  So- 
ciety, may  be  termed  an  Ethical  Prosody. 

Lord  Chesterfield  may  have  been  a  polished  gentle- 
man, but  Dr.  Tohnson  was  of  the  two  the  more  shining 
character. 


CHAPTER  L 

OF    PRONUNCIATION. 
SECTION  I. 

OF    ACCENT. 

Tkovgb.  penetrated  ourselves  by  the  desire  of  impart- 
ing instruction,  we  are  far  from  wishing  to  bore  our 
readers  ;  and  therefore  we  shall  endeavor  to  repeat 
nothing  here  that  we  have  said  before. 


104  THE    COMIC    ENGLISH    GRABIMAR. 

Accent  is  the  marking  with  a  peculiar  stress  of  the 
voice  a  particular  letter  or  syllable  in  a  word,  in  such 
a  manner  as  to  render  it  more  distinct  or  audible  than 
the  rest.     Thus,  in  the  word  theatre,  the  stress  of  the 
voice  should  be  on  the  letter  e  and  first  syllable  the ; 
and  in  contrary,  on  the  first  syllable  con.     How  shock- 
ing it  is  to  hear  people  say  con-trdry,  ihe-dtre  !     The 
friends  of  education-will  be  reminded  with  regret,  that 
an  error  in  the  pronunciation  of  the  first  of  these  words 
is  very  early  impressed  on  the  human  mind. 
"  Mary,  Mary, 
Quite  contrary, 
How  does  your  garden  grow  ?" 

How  many  evils,  alas !  arise  from  juvenile  associa- 
tions ! 

Words  of  two  syllables  never  have  more  than  one 
of  them  accented,  except  for  the  sake  of  peculiar  em- 
phasis. Gentlemen,  however,  whose  profession  it  is  to 
drive  certain  public  vehicles  called  cabs,  are  much 
accustomed  to  disregard  this  rule,  and  to  say,  "  po-lite" 
(or  "pur-lite"),  "gen-teel,"  "c6n-cern,"  " p6-lice,"  and 
so  on :  nay,  they  go  so  far  as  to  convert  a  word  of  one 
syllable  into  two,  for  the  sake  of  indulging  in  this  stvle 
of  pronunciation;  and  thus  the  word  "queer"  is  pro- 
nounced by  them  as  "  ke-veer." 

The  word  "  a-men,"  when  standing  alone,  should  be 
pronounced  with  two  accents. 

The  accents  in  which  it  usually  is  pronounced  are 
very  inelegant.  Clerks,  now-a-days,  alas !  are  no 
scholars. 

Dissyllables,  formed  by  adding  a  termination,  usually 
have  the  former  syllable  accented :  as,  "  Foolish,  block- 
head," &c. 


1 


PROSODY. 


105 


The  accent  in  dissyllables,  formed  by  prefixing  a 
syllable  to  the  radical  word,  is  commonly  on  the  latter 
syllable:  as,  "I  protest,  I  declare,  I  entreat,  I  adoie,  I 
expire." 


ALL    FOR    LOVE. 


Protestations,  declarations,  entreaties,  and  adorations, 
proclaim  a  swain  to  be  simply  tender;  but  expiration 
(for  love)  proves  him  to  be  decidedly  soft. 

A  man  who  turns  lover  becomes  a  protest-ant;  and 
his  conduct  at  the  same  time  generally  undergoes  a 
reforination,  especially  if  he  has  previously  been  a  rake. 

The  zeal,  however,  of  a  reformed  rake,  like  that  of 
Jack  in  Dean  Swift's  "Tale  of  a  Tub,"  is  sometimes 
apt  to  outrun  his  discretion. 

When  the  same  word,  being  a  dissyllable,  is  both  a 


106  THE    COMIC    ENGLISH    GRAMMAR. 

noun  and  a  verb,  the  verb  has  mostly  the  accent  on 
the  latter,  and  the  noun  on  the  former  syllable :  as, 
"  Molly,  let  Hymen's  gentle  hand 
Cement  our  hearts  together. 
With  such  a  cement  as  shall  stand 
In  spite  of  wind  and  weather. 

"  I  do  pres'ige — and  oft  a  fact 
A  presage  doth  foretoken — 
Our  mutual  love  shall  ne'er  contract. 
Our  contract  ne'er  be  broken." 
There  are  many  exceptions  to  the  rule  just  enunciat- 
ed (so  that,  correctly  as  well  as  familiarly  speaking, 
it  is  perhaps  no  rule;)  for  though  verbs  seldom  have 
an  accent  on  the  former,   yet  nouns  frequently  have  it 
on  the  latter  syllable  :  as, 

"Mary  Anne  is  my  delight 
Both  by  day  and  eke  by  night ; 
For  by  day  her  soft  control 
Soothes  my  heart  and  calms  my  soul  ; 
And  her  image  while  I  doze 
Comes  to  sweeten  my  repose  ; 
Fortune  favoring  my  design. 
Please  the  pigs  she  shall  be  mine !" 
The  former  syllable  of  most  dissyllables  ending  in 
y,  our,  ow,  le,  ish,  ck,  ter,  age,  en,  et,  is  accented :  as, 
"Granny,  noodle,"  &;c. 

Except  allow,  avow,  endow,  bestow,  below. 
"  Sir  I  cannot  allow 
You  your  flame  to  avow  ; 
,End6w  yourself  first  with  the  rhino  : 
My  hand  to  bestow 
On  a  fellow  bel6w 


PROSODY.  107 

Me! — I'd  rather  be — never  mind — 
/know." 
"  Music,"  in  the  language  of  the  Gods,  is  sometimes 
pronounced  "  mu-sic  !" 

Nouns  of  two  syllables  ending  in  er,  have  the  accent 
on  the  former  syllable:  as,  "Butcher,  bilker." 

It  is,  perhaps,  a  singular  thing,  that  persons  who 
pursue  the  callings  denoted  by  the  two  words  selected 
as  examples,  should  always  indicate  their  presence  at 
m  area  by  crying  out,  in  direct  defiance  of  Prosody, 
"But-cher,  ba-ker;"  the  latter  syllable  being  of  the 
two  the  more  strongly  accented. 

Dissyllabic  verbs  ending  in  a  consonant  and  e  final, 
as  "  Disclose,"  "  repine,"  or  having  a  dipthong  in  the 
last  syllable,  as,  "Believe,"  "deceive,"  or  ending  in 
two  consonants,  as  "  Intend,"  are  accented  on  the  latv^r 
syllable. 

"  Matilda's  eyes  a  light  disclose. 

Which  with  the  star  of  Eve  might  vie ; 
Oh !  that  such  lovely  orbs  as  those 
Should  sparkle  at  an  apple-pie  ! 

"Thy  love  I  thought  was  wholly  mine, 
Thy  heart  I  fondly  hoped  to  rule; 
Its  throne  I  cannot  but  repine 
At  sharing  with  a  goosb'ry  fool ! 

"  Thou  swear'st  no  flatterer  can  deceive 

Thy  mind, — thy  breast  no  coxcomb  r>Qe  ; 
Thou  art  no  trifler,  I  believe. 

But  why  so  plaguy  fond  of  trifle  ? 

"Why,  when  we're  wed — T  don't  intend 
To  joke,  Matilda,  or  be  funny  ; 


108         THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 

I  really  fear  that  you  will  spend 

The  Honey  Moon  in  eating  honey !" 

Most  dissyllabic  nouns,  having  a  diplhong  in  the  latter 
syllable,  have  the  accent  also  on  that  syllable  :  as, 

"  A  Hamlet  that  draws 
Is  sure  of  applause." 

A  Hamlet  that  draws  ?  There  are  not  many  '.viio  C3.n 
give  even  an  outline  of  the  character. 

In  a  kw  words  ending  in  ain  the  accent  is  placed  on 
the  former  syllable  :  as,  "Villain,"  which  is  pronoun- 
ced as  the  natives  of  Whitechapel  pronounce  "  willing.'' 

Those  dissyllables,  the  vowels  of  which  are  separat- 
ed in  pronunciation,  always  have  the  accent  on  the 
first  syllable  :  as,  lion,  scion,  6z,c. 

When  is  a  young  and  tender  shoot 

Like  a  fond  swain  ?     When  'tis  a  scion. 

What's  the  most  gentlemanly  brute 
Like,  of  all  flow'rs  ?     A  dandy  lion.' 

Trisyllables,  formed  by  adding  a  termination  or  pre- 
fixing a  syllable,  retain  the  accent  of  the  radical  word: 
as,  "  L6veliness,  sheepishness,  knavery,  assurance." 

The  first  syllable  of  trisyllables  ending  in  ons,  al, 
ion,  is  accented  in  the  generality  of  cases:  as  in  the 
words  "  serious,  capital,"  &c. 
"Dr.  Johnson  declared,  with  a  serious  face, 
That  he  reckoned  a  punster  a  villain  : 
W  xiat  would  he  have  thought  of  the  horrible  case 
Of  a  man  who  makes  jokes  that  are  killing  ? 

"  In  his  diction  to  speak  'tis  not  easy  for  one 
Who  must  furnish  both  reason  and  rhyme  : 


PROSODY.  109 

"Sir,  the  rogue  who  has  uttcr'd  a  capital  pun, 
Has  committed  a  capital  crime.' 

Trisyllables  ending  in  ce,  ent,  ate,  y,  re,  Ze,  and  ude, 
commonly  accent  the  first  syllable.  Many  of  those, 
however,  which  are  derived  from  words  having  the 
accent  on  the  last  syllable  and  of  those  of  which  the 
middle  syllable  has  a  vowel  between  two  consonants, 
are  excepted. 

They  who  would  elegantly  speak 

Should  not  say  "impudence,"  but  "cheek;" 

Should  all  things  eatable  call  "  prog;" 

Eyes  "ogles,"  countenance  "  phisog." 

A  coach  should  nominate  a  "  drag," 

And  specify  as  "  moke,"  a  nag  : 

For  excellent,  use  "  prime"  or  "bang  up," 

Or  "out  and  out;"  and  "  scrag,"  for  hang  up. 

The  theatre  was  wont  to  teach 

The  public  rectitude  of  speech. 

But  we  who  live  in  modern  age 

Consult  the  gallery,  not  the  stage. 

Trisyllables  ending  in  ator  have  the  accent  placed 
on  the  middle  syllable;  as,  " Spectatoi",  narrator,"  &c. 
except  orator,  senator,  and  a  few  other  words. 

Take  care  that  you  never  pronounce  the  common 
name  of  the  vegetable  sometimes  called  Irish  fruit, 
"  purtator." 

A  dipthong  in  the  middle  syllable  of  a  trisyllable  is 
accented :  as  also,  in  general,  is  a  vowel  before  two 
consonants:  as,  "Domestic,"  "endeavor." 

An  endeavor  to  appear  domesticated,  or  in  common 
phraseology,  to  "do"  the  domestic,  is  sometimes  made 
by  young   gentlemen,  and   generally   with    but  an   ill 


110        THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 

grace.  Avoid  such  attempts,  reader,  on  all  occasions: 
and  in  particular  never  adventure  eitlier  to  nurse  babies, 
or  (when  you  shall  have  "gone  up  to  the  ladies")  to 
pour  water  into  the  tea-pot  from  the  kettle.  A  legal 
or  medical  student  sometimes  thinks  proper,  from  a 
desire  of  appearing  at  once  gallant  and  facetious,  to 
usurp  the  office  of  pouring  out  the  tea  itself,  on  which 
occasions  he  is  yery  apt  to  betray  his  uncivilised  habits 
by  an  unconscious  but  very  unequivocal  manipulation 
used  in  giving  malt  liquor  what  is  technically  termed  a 
"head." 

Many  polysyllables  are  regulated  as  to  accent  by 
the  words  from  which  they  are  derived  :  as,  "  Inex- 
pressibles, Substituted,  Unobjectionably,  Designated, 
Transatlantic,  Delicacy,  Decidedly,   Unquestionable." 

Words  ending  in  ator  are  commonly  accented  on  the 
last  syllable  but  one,  let  them  be  as  long  as  they  may : 
as,  respirator,  regulator,  renovator,  indicator,  and  ail 
the  other  ators  shat  we  see  in  the  newspapers. 

Many  words  ending  in  ion,  ous,  iy,  ia,  io,  and  cal,  have 
their  accent  on  the  last  syllable  but  two:  as,  "Con-si- 
de-ra-ti-on,  pro-di-gi-ous,  im-pe-ne-tra-bil-i-ty,  en-cy- 
clo-poe'-di-a,  brag-ga-d6-ci-o,  an-ti-mo-narch-i-cal,"  all 
of  which  words  we  have  divided  into  syllables,  by  way 
of  a  hint  that  they  are  to  be  pronounced  (comically 
speaking)  after  the  manner  of  Dominie  Sampson. 

Words  that  end  in  le  usually  have  the  accent  on  the 
first  syllable:  as,  "A'micable,  despicable,"  cStc:  al- 
though we  have  heard  people  say  "despicable."  "I 
never  see  such  a  despicable  fellow,  not  in  all  my  born 
days." 

Words  of  this  class,  however,  the  second  syllable  of 
which  has  a  vowel  before  two  consonants,  are  often 


PROSODY. 


Ill 


differently   accented :    as   in   "  Respectable,   contemp- 
uble." 


"A  respectable  Man.'" 

Having,  in  compliance  with  grammatical  usage,  laid 
down  certain  rules  with  regai-d  to  accent,  we  have  to 
inform  the  reader  that  there  are  so  many  exceptions  to 
almost  all  of  them,  that  perhaps  there  is  scarcely  one 
which  it  is  worth  while  to  attend  to.  We  hope  we  have 
in  some  measure  amused  him ;  but  as  to  instruction, 
we  fear  that,  in  this  part  of  our  subject,  we  have  given 


112  THE    COMIC    ENGLISH    GRABIMAR. 

him  very  little  of  that.  Those  who  would  acquire  a 
correct  accent  had  better  attend  particularly  to  the 
mode  of  speaking  adopted  in  good  society ;  avoid  de- 
bating clubs  ;  and  go  to  church.  For  farther  satisfac- 
tion and  information  we  refer  them,  and  we  beg  to  say 
that  we  are  not  joking — to  Walker. 

SECTION  II. 

OF     QUANTITY. 

The  quantitj^  of  a  syllable  means  the  time  taken 
up  in  pronouncing  it.  As  there  is  in  Arithmetic  a 
long  division  and  a  short  division,  so  in  Prosody  is 
Quantity  considered  as  long  or  short. 

A  syllable  is  said  to  be  long,  when  the  accent  is  on 
the  vowel,  causing  it  to  be  slowly  joined  in  pronuncia- 
tion to  the  next  letter:  as,  "Flea,  small,  creature." 

A  syllable  is  called  short,  when  the  accent  lies  on 
the  consonant,  so  that  the  vowel  is  quickly  joined  to 
the  succeeding  letter:  as  "Crack,  little,  devil." 

The  pronunciation  of  a  long  syllable  commonly  oc- 
cupies double  the  time  of  a  short  one :  thus,  "  Pate," 
and  "Broke,"  must  be  pronounced  as  slowly  again  as 
"  Pat,"  and  "  Knock." 

We  have  remarked  a  curious  tendency  in  the  more 
youthful  students  of  Grammar  to  regard  the  quantity 
of  words  (in  their  lessons)  more  as  being  "small"  or 
"great"  than  as  coming  under  the  head  of  "  long"  or 
"  short."  Their  predilection  for  small  quantities  of 
words  is  very  striking  and  peculiar;  food  for  the  mind 
they  seem  to  look  upon  as  physic  ;  and  all  physic,  in 
their  estimation,  is  most  agreeably  taken  in  infinitesi- 
mal doses.      The   Homoeopathic   system   of  acquiring 


PROSODY. 


IVS 


knowledge  is  more  to  their  taste  than  even  the  Hamil- 
tonian. 

It  is  quite  impossible  to  give  any  rules  as  to  quantity 
worth  reading.  The  Romans  may  have  submitted  to 
them,  but  that  is  no  reason  why  we  should.  We  will 
pronounce  our  words  as  we  please :  and  if  foreigners 
want  to  know  why,  we  will  tell  them  that,  wlicn  there 
is  no  law  to  the  contrary,  we  always  does  as  we  likes 
with  our  own. 


114  THE   COMIC    ENGLISH   GRAMMAE. 

SECTION  III. 

OF     EMPHASIS. 

Emphasis  is  the  distinguishing  of  some  word  or 
words  in  a  sentence,  on  which  we  wish  to  lay  particular 
stress,  by  a  stronger  and  fuller  sound,  and  sometimes 
by  a  particular  tone  of  the  voice. 

A  few  illustrations  of  the  importance  of  emphasis 
will  be,  perhaps,  both  agreeable  and  useful. 

When  a  young  lady  says  to  a  young  gentlemen, 
"  You  are  a  nice  fellow  ;  you  are  V — she  means  one 
thing. 

When  a  young  gentleman,  addressing  one  of  his  own 
sex,  remarks,  "  You're  a  nice  fellow  ;  you  are  ;" — he 
means  another  thing. 

"  Your  friend  is  a  gentlemen,"  pronounced  without 
any  particular  emphasis,  is  the  simple  assertion  of  a 
fact. 

"  Your  friend  is  a  gentleman,'' ''  with  the  emphasis  on 
the  words  "  friend"  and  "  gentleman,"  conveys  an  in- 
sinuation besides. 

So  simple  a  question  as  "  Do  you  like  pine-apple 
rum  ?"  is  susceptible  of  as  many  meanings  as  there 
are  words  in  it ;  according  to  the  position  of  the  em- 
phasis. 

"  Bo  you  like  pine-apple  rum  ?"  is  as  much  as  to 
say,  "  Do  you,  though,  really  like  pine-apple  rum  ?" 

"  Do  you  like  pine-apple  rum  ?"  is  tantamount  to, 
"  Can  it  be  that  a  young  gentleman  (or  lady)  like  you, 
can  like  pine-apple  rum  ?" 

"  Do  you  like  pine-apple  rum  ?"  means,  "  Is  it  pos- 
sible that  instead  of  disliking,  you  are  fond  of  pine-apple 
rum  ?" 


PROSODY.  115 

"  Do  you  like  pine-apple  rum  ?"  is  an  enquiry  as  to 
whether  you  like  that  kind  of  rum  in  particular. 

And  lastly,  "  Do  you  like  pine-apple  rum  V  is  equiv- 
alent to  asking  if  you  think  that  the  flavor  of  the  pine- 
apple improves  that  especial  form  of  alcohol. 

A  well-known  instance  of  an  emphasis  improperly 
placed  was  furnished  by  a  certain  Parson,  who  read  a 
passage  in  the  Old  Testament  in  the  following  unlucky 
manner  :  "  And  he  said  unto  his  sons,  Saddle  me  the 
ass  ;  and  they  saddled  him." 

Young  ladies  are  usually  very  emphatic  in  ordinary 
discourse.  "  What  a  little  dear  !  Oh  !  how  sweetly 
pretty  !  Well  !  I  never  did,  I  declare  !  So  nice,  and 
so  innocent,  and  so  good-tempered,  and  so  affectionate, 
and  such  a  color  !  And  oh  !  such  lovely  eyes  !  and 
such  hair !  He  loas  a  little  duck  !  he  was,  he  was,  he 
was.     Tzig  a  tzig,  tzig,  tzig,  tzig,  tzig !"  &c.  &c.  &c. 

This  emphatic  way  of  speaking  is  indicative  of  two 
very  amiable  feelings  implanted  by  nature  in  the  fe- 
male occiput,  and  called  by  the  Phrenologists  Adhe- 
siveness and  Philoprogenitivenes.  Those  who  attempt 
to  imitate  it  will  be  conscious,  while  forcing  out  their 
words,  of  a  peculiar  mental  motion,  which  we  cannot 
explain  otherwise  than  by  saying,  that  it  is  analogous 
to  that  which  attends  the  act  of  pressing  or  squeezing ; 
as  when,  with  the  thumb  of  the  right  hand,  we  knead 
one  lump  of  putty  to  another,  in  the  palm  of  the  left. 
Perhaps  we  might  also  instance,  sucking  an  orange- 
In  all  these  cases,  the  organ  of  Weigiit,  according  to 
PI  Phrenology,  is  also  active  ;  ana  this,  perhaps,  is  one  of 
the  faculties  which  induce  young  ladies  to  lay  a  stress 
upon  their  words.     Nevertheless,  we  fear  that  a  dam- 


116         THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 

sel  would  hardly  be  pleased  by  being  told  that  her 
weight  was  considerable,  though  it  would,  at  the  same 
time,  grievously  offend  her  to  accuse  her  of  lightness. 
Here  we  need  scarcely  observe,  that  we  refer  to  light- 
ness, not  of  complexion,  but  of  sentiment,  which  is  al- 
ways regarded  as  a  dark  shade  in  the  character.  This 
defect,  we  think,  we  may  safely  assert,  will  never  be 
observed  in  emphatic  fair  ones. 

But  we  have  not  quite  yet  exhausted  the  subject  ot 
emphasis,  considered  in  relation  to  young  ladies.  Their 
letters  are  as  emphatic  as  tlieir  language  is,  almost 
every  third  word  being  underlined.  Such  epistles, 
inasmuch  as  they  are  addressed  to  the  heart,  ought  not 
to  be  submitted  to  the  ear;  nevertheless  we  must  say 
that  we  have  occasionally  been  wicked  and  waggish 
enough  to  read  them  aloud — to  ourselves  alone,  of 
course.  The  reader  may,  if  he  choose,  follow  our  ex- 
ample. We  subjoin  a  specimen  of  female  correspond- 
ence, endeared  to  us  by  many  tender  recollections,  and 
admirably  adapted  to  our  present  purpose. 

My  dear  Paid, 

When  we  left  Town  on  Wednesday  last  the  weather 
was  so  very  rainy  that  we  were  obliged  to  have  the  coach 
windows  up.  I  was  terribly  afraid  that  Matilda  and  I 
would  have  caught  our  Death  of  cold  ;  but  thank  Good- 
ness no  such  nnloicard  event  took  place.  It  was  very 
uncomfortable  and  I  so  wished  you  had  been  there.  When  m 
we  got  home  who  do  you  think  was  there  ?  Mr.  Sims ; 
and  he  said  he  thought  that  I  was  so  \\i\\(j\\  grown.  Only 
think.  And  so  then  you  know  we  took  some  refresh-^ 
ment,  for  I  assure  you,  what  with  the  journey  and  alto- 
gether we  were  very  nearly  famished  ;  and  we  were  all 


ar 


PROSODY.     ■  117 

invited  to  go  to  the  Chubls''  that  Evening  to  a  small  Tea 
Party,  for  which  I  inxist  own  I  thought  Mr.  Chuhh  a  nice 
man.  After  tea  we  had  a  carpet  tvaltz,  and  although  I 
was  very  tired  I  enjoyed  it  much.  There  were  some  very 
pretty  girls  there,  and  one  or  two  agreeable  young  men  ; 
but  oh!  &ic. 

The  remainder  of  this  letter  being  of  a  nature  person- 
ally interesting  to  ourselves  only,  and  likely,  in  the 
opinion  of  some  readers,  to  render  its  insertion  attributa- 
ble to  motives  of  vanity,  we  shall  not  ^e  found  fault 
with  for  objecting  to  transcribe  any  morp  of  it. 

SECTION  IV. 

OF    PAUSES. 

A  Pause,  otherwise  called  a  rest,  is  an  absolute  ces- 
sation of  the  voice,  in  speaking  or  reading,  during  a 
perceptible  interval,  longer  or  shorter,  of  time. 

Comic  Pauses  often  occur  in  Oratory.  ''  Unaccus- 
tomed as  I  am  to  public  speaking,"  is  usually  followed 
by  a  pause  of  this  sort.  A  young  gentleman,  his  health 
having  been  drunk  at  a  party,  atforded,  in  endeavoring  to 
return  thanks,  a  signal  illustration  of  the  Pause  Comic. 
"  Gentlemen,"  he  began,  "  the  Ancient  Ron^ans," — 
(A  pause,) — "gentlemen,  the  Ancient  Romans," — 
(Hear!) — "The  Ancient  Romans,  Gentlemen,"  — 
(Bravo!  hear!  hear!) — "Gentlemen — that  is — the  An- 
cient Romans" — "were  very  fine  fellows.  Jack,  1  dare 
say,"  added  a  friend,  pulling  the  speaker  down  by  the 
coat-tail. 

That  notable  Ancient  Roman,  Brutus,  is  represented 
by  Shakspeare  as  making  a  glorious  pause  :  as  "  WIk  '« 


118 


THE  COMie  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 


here  so  vile  that  would  not  love  his  country  ?     If  any, 
speak,  for  him  have  I  offended.     I  pause  for  a  reply." 


Here  of  course,  Brutus  pauses,  folds  his  arms,  and 
looks  magnanimous.  We  have  heard,  though,  of  an 
idle  and  impudent  schoolboy,  who,  at  a  public  recita- 
tion, when    he   had    uttered    the  words  "I  pause  for  a 


PROSODY. 


119 


reply,"  gravely  took  out  his  penknife  and  began  paring 
his  nails. 
This  wa?  minding  his  faics  with  a  vengeance. 


SECTION  V. 


OF    TONES. 


Tones  consist  of  the  modulations  of  the  voice,  or 
the  notes  or  variations  of  sound  which  we  use  in  speak- 
ing :  thus  differing  materially  both  from  emphasis,  and 
pauses. 

An  interesting  diversity  of  U}nes  is  exhibited  by  the 
popular  voice  at  an  election. 

Also  by  charcoal-men,  milk-men,  and  chimney, 
sweeps;   and  by  fruit-sellers,  and  news-boys. 

We  cannot  exactly  write  tones  (though  it  is  easy 
enough  to  wiyte  notes,)  but  we  shall  nevertheless  en- 
deavor  to  give  some  idea  of  their  utility. 

Observe,  that  two  doves  billing  resemble  two  magis- 
trates bowing; — because  they  are  beak  to  beak. 


120        THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 

A  lover  and  a  police-magistrate  (unless  the  two 
characters  should  chance  to  be  combined,  which  some- 
times happens,  that  is,  when  the  latter  is  a  lover  of 
justice)  would  say,  "Answer  me,"  in  very  difFerent 
tones. 

A  lover  again  would  utter  the  words  "  For  ever  and 
ever,"  in  a  very  ditierent  tone  from  that  in  which  a 
minister  would  repeat  them. 

A  young  lady,  on  her  first  introduction  to  you,  says, 
"Sir,"  in  a  tone  very  unlike  that  in  which  she  some- 
time afterwards  delivers  herself  of  the  same  mono- 
syllable when  she  is  addressing  you  under  the  influ- 
ence of  jealousy. 

As  to  the  word  "  Sir,"  the  number  of  constructions 
which,  according  to  the  tone  in  which  it  is  spoken,  it 
may  be  made  to  bear,  are  incalculable.  We  may 
adduce  a  few  instances. 

"Please,  Sir,  let  me  off." 

"No,  Sir!" 

"Waiter!  you.  Sir." 

"Yes,  Sir!  yes.  Sir!" 

"Sir,  I  am  greatly  obliged  to  you." 

"Sir,  you  are  quite  welcome." 

"Your  servant.  Sir"  (by  a  man  who  brings  you  a 
challenge.) 

"  'Servant,  Sir"  (by  a  tailor  bowing  you  to  the  door.) 

"  Sir,  you  are  a  gentleman  !" 

"  Sir,  you  are  a  scoundrel !" 

We  need  not  go  on  with  examples  ad  infinitum.  If 
after  what  we  have  said  anybody  does  not  understand 
the  nature  of  Tone,  all  we  shall  say  of  him  is,  that  he 
is  a  Tony  Lumpkin. 


PROSODY.  121 

CHAPTER  II. 

OF    VBRSIFICATXON. 

It  is  with  peculiar  pleasure  that  we  approach  this 
part  of  Prosody.  We  belong  to  a  class  of  persons  to 
whom  a  celebrated  phrenological  manipulator  ascribes 
"some  poetical  feeling,  if  studied  or  called  forth;" 
and,  to  borrow  another  expression  from  the  same  quar- 
ter, we  sometimes  "versify  a  little;"  that  is  to  say, 
we  diversify  our  literary  occupations  by  an  occasional 
flirtation  with  the  muses. 

We  have  a  great  respect  for  the  memory  of  our  old 
schoolmaster  ;  notwithstanding  which,  we  think  we  can 
beat  him  (which,  we  shall  be  told  by  the  wags,  would 
be  tit  for  tat)  at  poet-making,  though,  indeed,  he  was  a 
magician  in  his  way.  "  I'll  make  thee  a  poet,  my  boy," 
he  used  to  say,  "  or  the  rod  shall." 

Let  us  try  what  we  can  do. 

A  verse  consists  of  a  certain  number  and  variety  of 
syllables,  put  together  and  arranged  according  to  cer- 
tain laws. 

Verses  being  also  called  dulcet  strains,  harmonious 
numbers,  tuneful  lays,  and  so  forth,  it  is  clear  that  such 
.combination  and  arrangement  must  be  so  made  as  to 
please  the  ear. 

Versification  is  the  making  of  verses.  This  seems 
such  a  truism  as  to  be  not  worth  stating;  but  it  is 
necessary  to  define  what  Versification  is,  because  many 
people  suppose  it  to  be  the  same  ihing  with  poetry. 
We  will  prove  that  it  is  not. 

"  Much  business  in  the  Funds  has  lately  been 
Transacted  various  monied  men  between  ; 
Though  speculation  early  in  the  week 


122        THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 

Went  slowly ;  nought  was  done  whereof  to  speak. 
The  largest  operations,  it  was  found, 
Were  twenty-five  and  fifty  thousand  pownd." 
We  might  proceed  in  the  same  strain,  but  we  have 
already  done  half  a  dozen  lines   without  a  particle  of 
poetry    in  them ;  and  we  do  not    wish  to   overwhelm 
people  with  proof:  of  what  a  great  many  will  take  upon 
trust. 

Every  fool  knows  what  Rhyme  is  ;  so  we  need  not 
say  anything  about  that. 

OF    POETICAL    FEET. 

Poetical  feet!  Why,  Fanny  Elsler's  feet  and  Tag- 
lioni's  feet  are  poetical  feet — are  they  not?  or  else 
what  is  meant  by  calling  dancing  the  poetry  of  Motion  ? 
And  cannot  each  of  those  artistes  boast  of  a  toe  which  is 
the  very  essence  of  all  poetry — a  TO'  KAAO'N  ? 

No.  You  may  make  verses  on  Taglioni's  feet,  (though 
if  she  be  a  poetess,  she  can  do  that  better  than  you, 
standing,  too,  on  one  leg,  like  the  man  that  Horace 
speaks  of;)  but  you  cannot  make  them  of  her  feet. 
Feet  of  which  verses  are  composed  are  made  of  sylla* 
bles,  not  of  bones,  muscles,  and  ligaments.  Feet  and 
pauses  are  the  constituent  parts  of  a  verse. 

We  have  heard  one  boy  ask  of  another,  who  was 
singing,  "  How  much  is  that  a  yard  ?"  still  the  yard 
is  not  a  poetical  measure. 

The  feet  which  are  used  in  poetry  consist  either  of 
two  or  three  syllables.  There  are  four  kinds  of  feet 
of  two,  and  an  equal  number  of  three  syllables.  Four 
and  four  are  eight :  therefore  Pegasus  is  an  octoped  j 
and  if  our  readers  do  not  understand  this  logic,  we  are 
sorry  for  it.     But  as  touching  the  feet — we  have 


PROSODY.  123 

1.  The  Trochee,  which  has  the  first  syllable  accent- 
ed, and  the  last  unaccented :  as,  "Yankee  doodle." 

2.  The  Iambus,  which  has  the  first  syllable  unac- 
cented, and  the  last  accented :  as,  "  The  maid  herself 
with  rouge,  alas  !  bedaubs." 

3.  The  Spondee,  which  has  both  the  words  or  sylla- 
bles accented  :  as,  "  all  hail,  great  king,  Tom  Thumb, 
all  hail !" 

4.  The  Pyrrhic,  which  has  both  the  words  or  sylla- 
bles unaccented  :  as,  "on  the  tree-top." 

5.  The  Dactyl,  which  has  the  first  syllable  accented 
and  the  two  latter  unaccented:  as,  "Jonathan,  Jeffer- 
son." 

6.  The  Amphibrach  has  the  first  and  last  syllables 
unaccented  and  the  middle  one  accented :  as,  "  Oe'r- 
whelmlng,  transported,  ecstatic,  delightful,  accepted, 
addresses." 

7.  The  Anapaest  (or  as  we  used  to  say,  Nasty-least) 
has  the  two  first  syllables  unaccented  and  the  last  ac- 
cented :  as,  "  overgrown  grenadier." 

8.  The  Tribrach  has  all  its  syllables  unaccented  : 
as,  "Matrimony,  exquTsiteness." 

These  feet  are  divided  into  principal  feet,  out  of  which 
pieces  of  poetry  may  be  wholly  or  chiefly  formed  ;  and 
secondary  feet,  the  use  of  which  is  to  diversify  the  num- 
ber and  improve  the  verse. 

We  shall  now  proceed  to  explain  the  nature  of  the 
principal  feet. 

Iambic  verses  are  of  several  kinds,  each  kind  con- 
sisting of  a  certain  number  of  feet  or  syllables. 

1.  The  shortest  form  of  the  English  Iambic  consists 
of  an  Iambus,  with  an  additional  short  syllable  thus 
coinciding  with  the  Amphibrach  :  as. 


124  THE    COMIC    ENGLISH    GRAMBIAR. 

«  What  Susan, 

My  beauty! 
Refuse  one 

So  true  t'  ye  ? 
This  ditty 

Of  sadness 
Begs  pity 

For  madness." 

2.  Tlie  second  form  of  the  English  Iambic  consists 
of  two  Iambuses,  and  sometimes  takes  an  additional 
short  syllable  :  as, 

''  My  eye,  what  fun. 
With  dog  and  gun, 
And  song  and  shout, 
To  roam  about ! 
And  shoot  our  snipes  ! 
And  smoke  our  pipes  ! 
Or  eat  at  ease. 
Beneath  the  trees, 
Our  bread  and  cheese  ! 
To  rouse  the  hare 
From  gloomy  lair  ; 
To  scale  the  mountain  ^ 

And  ford  the  fountain, 
While  rustics  wonder 
To  hear  our  thunder." 

3.  The  thii'd  form  consists  of  three  lamouses :  as  in 
the  following  morceau,  the  author  of  which  is,  we  regret 
to  say,  unknown  to  us  ;  though  we  did  once  hear  some- 
body  say  that  it  was  Mr.  Anon. 

"  Jack  Spratt  cat  all  the  fat, 
His  wife  eat  all  the  lean, 


PROSODY.  125 

And  so  between  them  both, 
They  lick'd  the  platter  clean."' 
In  this   verse   an  additional   short   syllable  is  also 
admitted  :  as, 

"  Alexis  youthful  plough-b5y, 
A  Shepherdess  adored, 
Who  loved  fat  Hodge,  the  cow-boy,     - 
So  t'other  chap  was  floored." 

4.  The  fourth  form  is  made  up  of  four  Iambuses :  as, 

"  Adieu  my  boots,  companions  old. 
New  footed  twice,  and  four  times  soled  ; 
My  footsteps  ye  have  guarded  long, 
Life's  brambles,  thorns,  and  flints  among; 
And  now  you're  past  the  cobbler's  art, 
And  fate  declares  that  we  must  part. 
Ah  me !  what  cordial  can  restore 
The  gaping  patch  repatch'd  before  ? 
What  healing  art  renew  the  weal 
Of  subject  so  infirm  of  heel  ? 
What  potion,  pill,  or  draught  conti'ol 
So  deep  an  ulcer  of  the  sole  ? 

5.  The  fifth  species  of  English  Iambic  consists  of  Jive 
Iambuses  :  as, 

"Come,  Tragic  Muse,  in  tatter'd  vest  arnly'd. 

And   while  through  blood,  and  mud,  and   crimes  I 

wade. 
Support  my  steps,  and  this,  my  strain,  inspire 
With  Horror's  blackest  thoughts  and  bluest  fire  !" 
The  Epic  of  which  the  above  example  is  the  opening, 
will  perhaps   appear  hereafter.     This  kind  of  Iambic 
constitutes    what  is    called  the    heroic    measure : — of 
which  we  shall  have  more  to  say  by  and  by ;  but  shall 


126         THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 

only  remark  at  present  that  it,  in  common  with  most  of 
the  ordinary  English  measures,  is  susceptible  of  many 
varieties,  by  the  admission  of  other  feet,  as  Trochees, 
Dactyls,  Anapaests,  &c. 

6.  Our  Iambic  in  its  sixth  form,  is  commonly  called 
the  Alexandrine  measure.  It  consists  of  six  Iambuses : 
as, 

"His  worship  gave  the  word,  and  Snooks  was  borne 

away." 
The   Alexandrine  is  sometimes  introduced  into  heroic 
'  rhyme,  and  when  used,  as  the  late  Mr.  John  Reeve  was 
wont  to  say,  "  with  a  little  moderation,"  occasions  an 
agreeable  variety.     Thus  the  example  quoted  is  pre- 
ceded by  the  following  lines: — 
"What!  found  at  midnight  with  a  darkey,  lit, 
A  bull-dog,  jemmy,  screwj-and  centre-bit 
And  tongueless  of  his  aim  ?     It  cannot  be 
But  he  was  bent,  at  least,  on  felony ; 
He  stands  remanded.     '  Ho  !  Policeman  A  !' 
His   worship  gave   the  word,   and  Snooks-  was  borne 
away." 

7.  The  seventh  and  last  form  of  our  Iambic  measure 
is  made  up  of  seven  Iambuses.  This  species  of  verse 
has  been  immortalised  by  the  adoption  of  those  eminent 
hands,  Messrs.  Sternhold  and  Hopkins.  It  runs  thus : — 
Good  people  all,  I  pray  draw  nt3ar,  for  you  I  needs  must 

tell, 
That  William   Brown  is  dead  and  gone ;  the  man  you 

knew  full  well. 
A  broad-brimm"d  hat,  black  breeches,  and  an  old  Welch 

wig  he  wore : 


PKOSODY.  127 

And  now  and  then  a  long  brown  coat  all  button'd  up 
before." 
The  present  measure  is  as  admirably  adapted  for  the 
Platform  as  for  the  Conventicle. 
*'  My  name  it  is  Bill  ScrogginSj  and   my  fate  it  is  to 

die, 
For  I  was  at  the  Sessions  tried  and  cast  for  felony. 
My  friends,  to  these  my  dying  words  I  pray  attention 

lend,  ' 

Th(5  public-house  has  brought  me  unto   this  untimely 
end." 
Verses  of  this  kind  are  now  usually  broken  into  two 
lines,  with  four  feet  in  the  first  line,  and  three  in  the 
second :  as, 

"  I  wish  I  were  a  little  pig 
To  wallow  in  the  mire, 
To  eat,  and  drink,  and  sleep  at  ease 
Is  all  that  I  desire." 
Trochaic  verse  is  of  several  kinds. 
1.  The  shortest  Trochaic  verse  in  the  English  Ian- 
Iguage  consists  of  one  Trochee  and  a  long  syllable  :  as, 
"Billy  Black 
Got  the  sack." 
Lindley  Murray  asserts  that  this  measure  is  defec- 
Itive  in  dignity,  and  can  seldom  be  used  on  serious  oc- 
basions.     Yet  it  is  Pope  who  thus  sings  : 
"Dreadful  screams. 
Dismal  gleams. 
Fires  that  glow, 
Shrieks  of  woe,"  &c. 
And  for  our  own  poor  part,  let  us  see  what  we  can 
Inake  out  of  a  storm. 


128 


THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 


"  See  the  clouds 
Like  to  shrouds 
All  so  dun, 
Hide  the  Sun : 
Daylight  dies  ; 
Winds  arise  ; 
Songsters  quake, 
'Midst  the  brake ; 
Shepherds  beat 
Swift  retreat : 
Thunder  rolls 
Save  our  souls  ! — 
Welkin  glares — 
Liglitaing  flares, 
While  it  splits 
Oak  to  bits — 
Hail  comes  down — 
Oh,  my  crown  ! 
Patter  crack ! 
Clatter  whack ! 


"  Lq  you  there ! 
High  in  air 
Whirlwinds  snatch 
Tiles  and  thatch  ! 
Steeple  nods ! 
Oh !  ye  Gods  ! 
Hark  ! — that  bang ! — 
Brazen  clang ! 
There  the  bell 
Thund'ring  fell ! 
How  it  pours ! 
Ocean  roars, 
Earth  replies — 
Mind  your  eyes — 
Here's  a  cave — 
Oh  !  that's  brave  ! 
Gracious  Powers 
Safety's  ours  !" 


2.  The  second  English  form  of  the  Trochaic  consists 
of  two  feet :  as, 

"Vermicelli, 
Currant  jelly." 
It  sometimes  contains  two  feet,  or  trochees,  with  an 
additional  long  syllable:  as, 

"Youth  inclined  to  wed' 
Go  and  shave  thy  head." 

3.  The  third  species  consists  of  three  trochees  :  as, 

"Sing  a  song  of  sixpence. 
Or  of  three  trochees,  with  an  additional  long  syllable;  as, 


( 


PROSODY.  1 28 

**  Thrice  my  coat,  have  o'er  thee  roll'd, 
Summer  hot  and  winter  cold, 
Since  the  Snip's  creative  art 
Into  being  bade  thee  start; 
Now  like  works  the  most  sublime, 
Thou  display'st  the  power  of  time. 
Broad  grey  patches  plainly  trace, 
Right  and  left  ea6h  blade-bone's  place  ; 
When  thy  shining  collcir's  scann'd, 
Punsters  think  on  classic  land  : 
Thread-bare  sleeves  thine  age  proclaim, 
Elbows  worn  announce  the  same  ; 
Elbows  mouldy-black  of  hue, 
Save  where  white  a  crack  shines  through ; 
While  thy  parting  seams  declare 
Thou'rt  unfit  for  farther  weai- — 
Then,  farewell !     "  What !  Moses  !  ho  !" 
"Clo',  Sir?  clo',  Sir?  clo',  Sir?  clo'?" 
4.  The  fourth  Trochaic  species  consists  of  four  trcr 
chees,  as : 

"  Ugh !  you  little  lump  of  blubber, 

Sleep,  oh  !  sleep  in  quiet,  do ! 
Cease  awhile  your  bib  to  slobber — 
Cease  your  bottle  mouth  to  screw. 

"How  I  wish  your  eyelids  never 
Would  unclose  again  at  all ; 
For  I  know  as  soon  as  ever 
You're  awake,  you're  sure  to  squaL. 

**  Dad  and  Mammy's  darling  honey. 
Tomb-stone  cherub,  stuff'd  with  slops, 
Let  each  noodle,  dolt,  and  spooney 
Smack,  who  will,  your  pudding  chop*. 


130 


THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 


"  As  for  me,  as  soon  I'd  smother. 
As  I'd  drown  a  sucking  cat. 
You,  you  cub,  or  any  other, 
Nasty  little  squalling  brat." 


"Would  you,  you  disagreeable  old  Bachelor'!'' 

This  form  may  take  an  additional  long  syllable,  but 
this  measure  is  very  uncommon.     Example  : 
"  Chrononhotonthologos  the  Great, 
Godlike  in  a  barrow  kept  his  state.  * 

5.  The  fifth  Trochaic  species  is  likewise  uncommon  ; 
and,  as  a  Bowbellian  would  say,  "  uncommon"  ugly. 
It  contains  five  trochees  :  as, 

"  Here  lies  Mary,  wife  of  Thomas  Carter, 
Who  to  typhus  fever  proved  a  martyr." 
These  are  a  specimen  of  the  "  uncouth  rhymes"  so 
touchingly  alluded  to  by  Gray. 

6.  The  sixth  form  of  the  English  Trochaic  is  a  line 
of  six  trochees  :  as, 

"  Most  bewitching  damsel,  charming  Arabella, 
Prithee,  cast  an  eye  of  pity  on  a  fellow." 
The  Dactylic  measure  is  extremely  uncommon.  The 


PROSODY.  131 

following  may  be  considered  an  example  of  one  species 
of  it: 

"  Celia  the  cruel,  resolv'd  not  to  marry  soon, 
Boasts  of  a  heart  like  a  fortified  garrison, 
Bulwarlcs  and  battlements  keeping  the  beaux  all  off, 
Shot  from  within  knocking  lovers  like  foes  all  off." 
Anapaestic  verses  are  of  various  kinds. 

1.  The  shortest  anapaestic  verse  is  a  single  anapaest : 

as, 

"  In  the  glass 

There's  an  ass." 
This  measure,  after  all,  is  ambiguous ;  for  if  the 
stress  of  the  voice  be  laid  on  the  first  and  third  sylla. 
bles,  it  becomes  trochaic.  Perhaps,  therefore,  it  is  best 
to  consider  the  first  form  of  our  Anapaestic  verse,  as 
made  up  of  two  anapaests:  as, 

"  Set  a  schoolboy  at  work 
,  With  a  knife  and  a  fork." 

And  hei'e  if  you  like,  you  may  have  another  short 
syllable :   as, 

"  And  how  soon  the  yoQng  glutton 
Will  astonish  your  mutton  !" 

2.  The  second  species  consists  of  three  anapaests  :  as, 

"  .Amaryllis  was  slcnder  and  tall, 

Colin  Clodpole  was  dumpy  and  fat ; 
And  tho'  she  did'n't  like  him  at  all, 
Yet  he  doted  on  her  for  all  that." 
This  metre  is  sometimes  denominated  sing-song. 

3.  The   third  kind  of  English  Anapcestics  may  be 
rery  well  exemplified  by  an  Irish  song : 

•  Have  you  e'er  had  the  luck  t6  see  Donnybrook  Fair  V* 


132         THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 

It  consists,  as  will  have  been  observed,  of  four  ana- 
psBsts.     Sometimes  it  admits  of  a  short  syllable  at  the 
end  of  the  verse:  as, 
In  the  dead  of  the  night,  when  with  dire  caterwauling 

Of  grimalkins  in  chorus  the  house-tops  resound  : 
All  insensibly  drunk,  and    unconsciously  sprawling 

In  the  kennel,  how  pleasant  it  is  to  be  found  !" 

The  various  specimens  of  versification  of  which  ex- 
amples have  been  given,  may  be  improved  and  varied 
by  the  admission  of  secondary  feet  into  their  compo- 
sition ;  but  as  we  are  not  writing  an  Art  of  Poetry,  we 
cannot  afford  to  show  how:  particularly  as  the  only 
way,  after  all,  of  acquiring  a  real  knowledge  of  the 
structure  of  English  verse,  is  by  extensive  readinj^.  j 
Besides,  there  yet  remain  a  few  Directions  for  Poetical 
Beginners,  which  we  feel  ourselves  called  upon  to  give, 
and  for  which,  if  we  do  not  take  care,  we  shall  not 
have  room. 

The  commencement  of  a  poet's  career  is  usually  the 
writing  of  nonsense  verses.  The  nonsense  of  these 
compositions  is  very  often  unintentional ;  but  some- 
times words  are  put  together  avowedly  without  regard  | 
to  sense,  and  with  no  other  view  than  that  of  acquiring 
a  familiarity  with  metrical  arrangement :  as, 
"Approach,  disdain,  involuntary,  tell." 

But  this  is  dry  work.  It  may  be  necessary  to  com- 
pose in  this  way  just  at  first,  but  in  our  opinion,  there 
is  a  good  and  a  bad  taste  to  be  displayed  even  in 
writing  nonsense  verses ;  that  is,  verses  which  really 
deserve  that  name.  We  recommend  the  young  poet  to 
make  it  his  aim  to  render  his  nonsense  as  perfect  as 
possible.  I 


L 


PEOSODV.  133 

It  were  manifestly  culpable  to  make  no  mention,  in 
a  work  of  this  sort,  of  certain  measures  which  are 
especially  and  essentially,  of  a  comic  nature.  Some 
of  these  have  l)een  already  adverted  to,  but  two  prin- 
cipal varieties  yet  remain  to  be  considered. 

1.  Measures  taken  from  the  Latin,  in  which  the 
structure  of  the  ancient  V^erse,  as  far  as  the  number 
and  arrangement  of  the  feet  are  concerned,  is  preseiw- 
ed,  but  the  quantity  of  which  is  regulated  in  accor- 
dance with  the  spirit  of  our  own  language.  The  char- 
acter of  such  verses  will  be  best  displayed  by  employ- 
ing them  on  sentimental  or  serious  subjects.  Take,  for 
example.  Long  and  Short,  or  Hexameter  and  Pentame- 
ter verses. 

"  Julia,  girl  of  my  heart,  is  than  jessamine  sweeter,  or 
fresh  meads 
Hay-cover'd  ;   what  rose  tints  those   on  her  cheeks, 
that  flourish, 
Approach  ?  those  bright  eyes,  what  stars,  what  glitter- 
ing dew-drops  ? 
And  oh  !  what  Parian  marble,  or  snow,  that  bosom  ? 
If  she  my  love  return,  what  bliss  will  be  greater  than 
mine  ;  but 
What  more  deep  sadness  if  she  reprove  my  passion  ? 
Either  a  bridegroom  proud  yon  ivy-clad  church  shall 
receive  me 
Soon  ;  or  the  cold  church-yard  me  with  its  turf  shall 
cover." 

Or  the  Sapphic  metre  of  which  the  late  Mr.  Can- 
ning's "  Knife-Grinder"  is  so  brilliant  an  example. 
Sappho,  fair  reader,  was  a  poetess,  who  made  love- 
verses  which  could  be  actually  scanned.     History  re- 


134 


THE    COMIC    ENGLISH    GRABIMAR. 


lates  that,  for  the  sake  of  some  unprincipled  or  unfeel- 
ing fellow,  she  committedyeZo  de  se. 

"  '  I  can  endure  this  cruel  pain  no  longer ; 
Fare  ye  well, blue  skies,  rivers,  fields,  and  song-birds!' 

Thus  the  youth  spoke  ;  and  adding,   '  Oh,  Jemima !' 
Plunsed  in  the  billow  !" 


2.    Measures    reducible  to    no    rule,   or   Doggrel. 
Sternhold   and  Hopkins  were   illustrious   as  Doggrel 


writers. 


PROSODY. 


135 


Doggrel  IS  commonly  used  by  anonymous  poets  to: 
the  purpose  of  embodying  the  moral  reflections  which 
a  homicide  or  an  execution  excites  in  tlie  sensitive 
mind.  May  we  hope  that  our  remarks  on  Prosody  will 
in  some  little  degree  -tend  to  facilitate,  perhaps  to  im- 
prove, the  future  treatment  of  those  two  deeply  inter- 
esting subjects — Love  and  Murder? 


130        THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR* 


CHAPTER  III. 


PUrJCTUATION. 


"  Mind  your  stops."  This  is  one  of  the  earliest 
maxims  inculcated  by  the  instructors  of  youth.  Hence 
it  is  clear  that  the  subject  of  Punctuation  is  an  impor- 
tant one  :  but  inasmuch  as  the  reader,  who  has  arrived 
at  the  present  page,  has  either  not  understood  a  word 
that  he  has  been  reading,  or  else  knows  as  much  about 
the  matter  as  we  can  tell  him,  we  fear  that  a  long  dis- 
sertation concerning  periods,  commas,  and  so  on,  would 
only  serve  to  embarrass  his  progress  in  learning  with 
useless  stops.  We  shall,  therefore,  confine  ourselves 
to  that  notice  of  Punctuation,  and  that  only,  which  the 
peculiar  nature  of  our  work  may  require. 

First,  it  may  be  remarked,  that  the  notes  of  admira- 
tion which  we  so  often  hear  in  theatres,  may  be  called 
notes  of  hand.  Secondly,  that  notes  of  interrogation  are 
not  at  all  like  lank  notes ;  although  they  are  largely 
uttered  in  Banco  Regince.  Let  us  now  proceed  with 
our  subject. 

Punctuation  is  the  soul  of  Grammar,  as  Punctuality 
is  that  of  business. 

Perhaps  somebody  or  other  may  take  advantage  of 
what  we  have  said,  to  prove  both  Punctuation  and 
Punctuality  immaterial.     No  matter. 


PROSODY. 


137 


It  is  both  absurd  and  inconvenient  to  stand  upon 
points. 


Of  how  much  consequence,  however,  Punctuation 
is,  the  student  may  form  some  idea,  by  considering  the 
different  effects  which  a  piece  of  poetry,  for  instance, 
which  he  has  been  accustomed  to  regard  as  sublime  or 
beautiful,  will  have,  when  liberties  are  taken  with  it  in 
that  respect. 

Imagine  an  actor  commencing  Hamlet's  famous  so- 
liloquy,  thus : 

"To  be  ;  or  not  to  be  that  is.     The  question,"  dzc. 


138 


THE  COMIC  ENGLISH  GRAMMAR. 


Or  saying,  in  the  person  of  Duncan,  in  Macbeth 
"  This  castle  hath  a  pleasant  seat,  the  air." 
Or  as  the  usurper  himself,  exclaiming, 
"  The  devil  damn  thee  black,  thou  cream-faced  loon  ! 
Where  got'st  thou  that  goose  ?     Look  !" 


Crying,  as  Romeo, 

"  It  is  my  lady  O  !     It  is  my  love  !" 
Or  in  the  character  of  Nerval,    in  the  tragedy   of 
Douglas,  giving  this  account  of  himself  and  his  origni : 
"  My  name  is  Nerval.     On  the  Grampian  hills 
My  father  feeds." 


ADDRESS    TO    YOUNG    STtJDENTS.  139 

We  have  now  said  as  much  as  we  think  it  necessary 
to  say  on  the  head  of  English  Grammar.  We  shall 
conclude  our  labors  with  an  "  Address  to  Young  Stu- 
dents ;"  and  as  to  the  question,  what  that  has  to  do  with 
our  subject,  we  shall  leave  it  to  be  settled  by  Lindley 
Murray,  whose  example,  in  this  respect,  we  follow. 
All  we  shall  observe  is,  that  in  our  opinion,  advice  con- 
cerning  manners  stand  in  the  same  relation  to  a  Comic 
English  Grammar,  as  instruction  in  morals  does  to  a 
Serious  one.  For  the  remarks  which  it  will  now  be 
our  business  to  make,  we  bespeak  the  indulgence  of 
our  elder  readers,  and  the  attention  of  such  as  are  of 
tender  age. 


ADDRESS  TO  YOUNG  STUDENTS. 


Young  Gentlemen, 

Having  attentively  perused  the  foregoing  pages, 
you  will  be  desirous,  it  is  to  be  presumed,  of  carrying 
still  farther  those  comical  pursuits  in  which,  with  both 
pleasure  and  profit  to  yourselves,  you  have  been  lately 
engaged.  Should  such  be  your  laudable  intention,  you 
will  learn,  with  feelings  of  lively  satisfaction,  that  it  is 
one,  in  the  accomplishment  of  which,  thanks  to  Modern 
Taste,  you  will  find  encouragement  at  every  step. 
The  literature  of  the  day  is  professedly  comic,  and  of 
the  few  works  which  are  not  made  ludicrous  by  the  de- 
sign of  their  authors,  the  majority  are  rendered  so  in 


140  '  ADDRESS    TO 

spite  of  it.  In  the  course  of  your  reading,  however, 
you  will  be  frequently  brought  into  contact  with  hack- 
ney-coachmen, cabmen,  lackeys,  turnkeys,  thieves, 
lawyers'  clerks,  medical  students,  and  other  people  of 
that  description,  who  are  all  very  amusing  when  pro- 
perly viewed,  as  the  monkeys  and  such  like  animals  at 
the  Zoological  .Gaidens  are,  when  you  look  at  them 
through  the  bars  of  their  cage.  But  too  great  familiar- 
ity with  persons  of  this  class  is  sure  to  breed  contempt, 
not  for  them  and  their  manners,  but  for  the  usages  and 
modes  of  expression  adopted  in  parlors  and  drawing- 
rooms,  that  is  to  say,  in  good  society.  Nay,  it  is  very 
likely  to  cause  those  who  indulge  in  it  to  learn  various 
tricks  and  eccentricities,  both  of  behavior  and  speech, 
for  "  It  is  certain,  that  either  wise  bearing  or  ignorant 
carriage  is  caught,  as  men  take  diseases,  one  of  anoth- 
er."    Shakspere. 

Beset  thus,  as  you  will  necessarily  be,  by  perils  and 
dangers  in  your  wanderings  amid  the  fields  of  Comical- 
ity, you  will  derive  great  advantage  from  knowing  be- 
fore-hand what  you  are  likely  to  meet  with,  and  what 
it  will  be  incumbent  on  you  to  avoid.  It  is  to  furnish 
you  with  this  information  that  the  following  hints  and 
instructions  are  intended. 

Be  careful,  when  you  hear  yourself  called  by  name, 
to  reply  "Here  I  am,"  and  not  "Here  you  are,"  an 
error  into  which  you  are  very  likely  to  be  led  by  the 
perusal  of  existing  authors. 

When  you  partake,  if  it  be  your  habit  to  do  so,  of 
the  beverage  called  porter,  drink  it  as  you  would  wa- 
ter, or  any  other  liquid.  Do  not  wink  your  eye,  or  nod 
sideways  to  your  companion ;  such  actions,  especially 
when  preceded  by  blowing  away  the  foam  which  col- 


YOU^G  STUDENTS.  141 

lects  on  the  top  of  the  vessel,  being  exceedingly  inele- 
gant :  in  order  that  you  may  not  be  incommoded  by 
this  foam  or  froth,  always  pour  the  fluid  gently  mto  a 
tumbler,  instead  of  drinking  it  out  of  the  metallic  tank- 
ard in  which  it  is  usually  brought  to  you. 

In  asking  for  malt  liquor  generally,  never  request 
the  waiter  to  "  draw  it  mild ;"  and  do  not,  on  any  oc- 
casion, be  guilty  of  using  the  same  phrase  in  a  meta- 
phorical sense,  that  is  to  say,  as  a  substitute  for  "  Do  it 
quietly,"  "  Be  gentle,"  and  the  like. 

Never  exhort  young  ladies,  duiing  a  quadrille,  to 
"  fake  away,"  or  to  "  flare  up,"  for  they,  being  unac- 
quainted with  the  meaning  of  such  terms,  will  natural- 
ly conclude  that  it  is  an  improper  one. 

Avoid  inquiries  after  the  health  of  another  person's 
mother,  using  that  word  synonymously  with  Mamma, 
to  denote  a  female  parent.  Though  you  may  be  real- 
ly innocent  of  any  intention  to  be  rude,  your  motives 
may  very  possibly  be  misconstrued.  Remember  also 
on  no  account  to  put  questions,  either  to  friends  or 
strangers,  respecting  the  quantity  of  soap  in  their  pos- 
session. 

Should  it  be  necessary  for  you  to  speak  of  some  one 
smoking  tobacco,  do  not  call  that  substance  a  weed,  or 
the  act  of  using  it  "  blowing  a  cloud." 

When  an  acquaintance  pays  you  a  visit,  take  care, 
in  rising  to  receive  him,  not  to  appear  to  be  washing 
your  hands,  and,  should  you  be  engaged  in  writing  at 
the  time,  place  your  pen  on  the  table,  or  in  the  ink- 
stand, and  not  behind  your  ear. 

Observe,  when  your  tailor  comes  to  measure  you, 
the  way  in  which  he  wears  his  hair,  and  should  your 


142  ADDRESS    TO 

own  style  in  this  particular  unfortunate  resemble  his, 
be  sure  to  alter  it  immediately. 

Never  dance  d  la  cuisinUre,  that  is  to  say,  do  not  cut 
capers. 

Eschew  large  shirt  pins. 

Never  say  "  Ma'am  "  or  "  Miss,"  in  addressing  a 
young  lady.  If  you  cannot  contrive  to  speak  to  her 
without  doing  so,  say  nothing. 

Never,  under  any  circumstances,  let  the  abbrevia- 
tion "gent."  for  gentleman,  escape  the  enclosure  of 
your  teeth.  Above  all  things,  for  the  sake  of  whatever 
you  hold  most  dear,  never  say  "me  and  another  gent." 

When  you  receive  a  coin  of  any  kind,  deposit  it  at 
once  in  your  pocket,  without  the  needless  preliminary 
of  furling  it  in  the  air. 

Never  ask  a  gentleman  how  much  he   has  a-year. 

In  speaking  of  a  person  of  your  own  age,  or  of  an 
elderly  gentleman,  do  not  say.  Old  So-and-so,  but  So- 
and-so,  or  Mr.  So-and-so,  as  the  case  may  be :  and 
have  no  nicknames  for  each  other.  We  were  much  hor- 
rified not  long  since,  by  hearing  a  great  coarse  fellow, 
in  a  leathern  hat  and  fustian  jacket,  exclaim,  turning 
round  to  his  companion,  "Now,  then,  come  along,  old 
Blokey  !" 

When  you  have  got  a  cold  in  the  head  and  weak 
eyes,  do  not  go  and  call  on  young  ladies. 

Do  not  eat  gravy  with  a  knife,  for  fear  those  about 
you  should  suppose  you  to  be  going  to  commit  suicide. 

In  offering  to  help  a  person  at  dinner,  do  not  say, 
"  Allow  me  to  assist  you."  When  you  ask  people 
what  wine  they  will  take,  never  say,  "  What'll  you 
have  ?"  or,  "  What'll  you  do  it  in  .?" 


YOUNG    STUDENTS.  143 

If  you  are  talking  to  a  clergyman  about  another 
member  of  the  clerical  profession,  adopt  some  other 
method  of  describing  his  avocation  than  that  of  saying, 
"  I  believe  he  is  in  your  line." 

Do  not  recommend  an  omelet  to  a  lady,  as  a  good 
article. 

Be  cautious  not  to  use  the  initial  letter  of  a  person's 
surname,  in  mentioning  or  in  addressing  him.  For 
instance,  never  think  of  saying,  "  Mrs.  Hobbs,  pray, 
how  is  Mr.  H.  ?" 

Call  all  articles  of  dress  by  their  proper  names. 
What  delight  can  be  found  by  a  thinking  mind  in  de- 
signating a  hat  as  a  tile,  trousers,  kickseys,  a  necker- 
chief, a  fogle,  or  a  choker ;  or  a  great  coat,  an  upper 
Benjamin  ?  And  never  speak  of  clothes,  collectively, 
as  toggs  or  toggery. 

We  here  approach  the  conclusion  of  our  labors. 
Young  gentlemen,  once  more  it  is  earnestly  requested 
that  you  will  give  your  careful  attention  to  the  rules 
and  admonitions  which  have  been  above  laid  down  for 
your  guidance.  We  might  have  given  a  great  many 
more  ;  but  we  hope  that  the  spirit  of  our  instructions 
will  enable  the  diligent  youth  to  supply,  by  observation 
and  reflection,  that  which,  for  obvious  reasons,  we  have 
necessarily  left  unsaid.  And  now  we  bid  you  farewell. 
That  you  may  never  have  the  misfortune  of  entering, 
with  splashed  boots,  a  drawing-room  full  of  ladies  ; 
that  you  may  never,  having  been  engaged  in  a  brawl 
on  the  previous  evening,  meet,  with  a  black  eye,  the 
object  of  your  affections  the  next  morning ;  that  you 
may  never,  in  a  moment  of  agitation,  omit  the  aspirate, 
',r  use  it  when  you  ought  not  j  that  your  laundress  may 


144 


ADDRESS    TO    YOUNG    STUDENTS. 


always  do  justice  to  your  linen  ;  and  your  tailor  make 
your  clothes  well,  and  send  them  home  in  due  time ; 
that  your  braces  may  never  give  way  during  a  waltz  ; 
that  you  may  never,  sitting  in  a  strong  light  at  a  large 
dinner-party,  suddenly  remember  that  you  have  not 
shaved  for  two  days  ;  that  your  hands  and  face  may 
ever  be  free  from  tan,  chaps,  freckles,  pimples,  brandy- 
blossoms,  and  all  other  disfigurements  ;  that  you  may 
never  be  either  inelegantly  fat,  or  ridiculously  lean ; 
and  finally,  that  you  may  always  have  plenty  to  eat, 
plenty  to  drink,  and  plenty  to  laugh  at,  we  earnestly 
and  sincerely  wish.  And  should  your  lot  in  life  be 
other  than  fortunate,  we  can  only  say,  that  we  advise 
you  to  bear  it  with  patience  ;  to  cultivate  Comic  Phil- 
osophy;  and  to  look  upon  your  troubles  as  a  joke. 


/  ^'^-.^ 


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V/Air  rv- 


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-? _, 

Contents  of  Dick  &  Fitzflferald's  Dime  Song  Books.      1    | 

THE  FLORENCES'  IRISH  BOY  AND  YANKEE  GIRL 

SONGSTER. 

CONTENTS : 

Away  Down  East. 

Molly  of  the  Mead. 

Bachelor's  Uall. 

My  Boyhood's  Happy  Home. 

BallygaiTon. 

My  He'aitis  Sad. 

Barney  O'Neil. 

My  Son,  Mickey. 

Billy  O'Kouvke. 

Norah  McShane. 

Bobbins  Around. 

Och,  Blood  and  'Ounds. 

Bold  Privateer. 

Oh  !  Come  With  Me. 

Boy  with  the  Auburn  Hair. 

Ould  Ireland  !  You're  My  Darlin'. 

I  Cafatain  Fitzeasy. 

Our  Miirv  Ann. 

Emma,  Lee. 

Paddy  O'Fiiuiu.igan. 

Evening  Star. 

I'addy's  Weddmg. 

Ever  of  Thee. 

Peter  Gray. 

Flaming  O'Flannagan. 

Riddle  Cum  Dinky  Doo. 

Homeward  Bound. 

Kim,  Tom  !  Tramp  ! 

Iffy,  Iffy,  If. 

Sal  Sling. 

I  have  110  Mother  Now. 

The  Cavalier. 

Independence  Day. 

The  Emerald  Isle. 

Isle  of  Beauty. 

The  Irishman's  Shanty. 

Johnny  is  gone  for  a  Soldier. 

The  Irish  Shoemaker. 

JosiahBrown. 

The  Scenes  of  Home. 

Kitty  O'Rourko. 

The  Tail  iv  My  Coat. 

Larry  O'Brien. 

Trust  to  Luck. 

Last  Week  I  took  a  Wife. 

We  were  Boys  and  Girls  Together. 

Listen,  Dear  Fanny. 

Whi'u  the  Swallows  Homeward  Fly 

Lost  Umberrell. 

Widow  Clum-ee. 

Mary  Avourneen. 

Widow  Muhony. 

Michael  O'Neary's  Wake. 

Copies  mailed  to  any  address  in 

the  United   States,  free  of  postage. 

i  upon  receipt  of  ten  cents. 

J.  ^ 

THE  LOVE  AND  SENT 

■T^* 

[MENTAL  SONGSTER. 

CONT 

E.VTS  : 

A  Penny  for  Your  Thoughts. 

He  Doeth  All  Things  Well. 

Alice  Gray. 

I  Ask  but  for  One  Thrilling  Kiss. 

Autumn  Leaves  be  Strewed  Around 

I  Wandered  by  the  Brook  Side. 

Aggie  Asthore. 

I  am  Leaving  Thee. 

All's  for  the  Best. 

I'd  Offer  Thee  this  Hand 

Brightest  Eyes. 

I'm  not  Myself  at  all. 

Be  Off  with  You,  now. 

In  this  Old  Chair. 

Ben  Bolt. 

Jenny's  Coming  o'er  the  Green. 

Beautiful  Silver  Sea. 

Kitty  Tyrrell. 

Dome  into  the  Garden,  Maud. 

Kathleen  Mavoumeen. 

Evening  Star. 

Katy  Darling. 

5yerofThee. 

Kitty  of  Coleraine. 

irama  Lee. 

Little  Jenny  Dow. 

iUen  Bayne. 

Lizzie  Dies  To-night. 

rood  News  from  Home. 

Listen  to  the  Mocking  Bird. 

^ood  Night !  Good  Night,  Beloved ! 

Last  Greeting. 

tood-bye.  Sweetheart !  Good-bye  ! 

Let  the  Toast  be  Dear  Woman. 

•ive  Me  a  Cot  in  the  Valley  I  love. 

Love  Me  Little,  Love  Me  Long. 

Come  Again  ! 

Mary  Aileen. 

a  'ark !  I'Hear  an  Angel  Sing. 

Molly  Bawn. 

2     Contents  of  Dick  &  Fitzgerald's  Dime  Song  Boolvs. 


My  Mother  Dear. 

My  Soul  in  One  Unbroken  Sigh. 

Miiry  of  Arp:5-lo. 

Noz'ith,  the  Pride  of  Kildare. 

Norah  McShane. 

Korah,    Darling,     Don't    Believe 

Them. 
Oh  !  Where  is  the  Harm  of  a  Little 

Kiss. 
Pretty  Jane. 

Kock  Me  to  Sleep,  Mother. 
Rooked  in  the  Cradle. 
Shells  of  Ocean. 
Scenes  that  are  Brightest. 
Some  One  to  Love. 
The  Dearest  Spot. 
The  Gambler's  "Wife. 
The  Silver  Moon. 
The  Dving  Califomian. 
The  Low-backed  Car. 
The  Heart  Bowed  Down. 
The  Standard  Bearer. 
The  Irish  Emicrant's  Lament. 
The  Harp  that'Once. 
The  Pirate's  Serenade. 


The  Ivy  Green. 

The  Light  of  Other  Days. 

The  Good-bye  at  the  Do^r. 

The  Dreams  of  the  Heart. 

The  Miller's  Daughter. 

The  Murmuring  Sea. 

The  Three  Age^  of  Love. 

Then  You'll  Remember  Me. 

Thou  art  Gone  from  My  Gaze. 

Thou  art  Mine  Own,  Love. 

'Tis  Jlidnipht  Hour. 

True  Friendship. 

Twilight  Dews. 

'Tis  Hard  to  Give  the  Hand  where 

the  Heart  can  never  be. 
"WTiy  have  My  Loved  Ones  Gone. 
When    the    Swallows    H»mcward 

Fly. 
Where  are  the  Friends. 
Would  I  were  a  Boy  Again. 
We  Met  by  Chance. 
Why  do  I  Love  Thee  Yet. 
Within  a  Mile  of  Edinboro'  Town. 
Will  You  Love  Me  Then  as  Now  ! 


Copies  mailed  to  any  address  in  the  United  States,  free  of  postage, 
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~^*~- 


THE  CHARLEY  O'MALLEY  IRISH  SONGSTER. 


COJJTENTS  : 


Barnaby  Fincgan. 
Black  Turf. 
Bryan  O'Lj-nn. 
Biddy  Magee. 

Corporal  Casey.  [master. 

Dennis  M'Caster,  the  Irish  School- 
Dublin  Lasses. 
Fi'om  Munster  I  Came. 
Good-MoiTow  to  Your  Nightcap. 
I  came  from  the  Land  of  the  Pat's 

and  Pitatees. 
I  Camo  from  the  Roar. 
Irish  English  Scotchman. 
Irish  Hearts  for  the  Ladies. 
Johnny  M'Clusky. 
Kill  or  Cure. 
Katty  Mooney. 
Katty,  Avourneen. 
Leave  us  a  Lock  of  Your  Hair. 
Meet  me,  Miss  Molly  Malone. 
Molly  Malone. 
Now,  Can't  You  be  Aisy? 
Oh !  Once  we  were  Illigant  People. 
Pat's  Curiosity  Shop. 
Paddy  Conner. 

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»pon  receipt  of  ten  cents. 


Paddy  Hcgarty's  Leather  Brceche*. 

Paddy's  Wake. 

Pat  and  his  Leather  Breech«6. 

Shelah  O'Neal. 

The  Snob  and  the  Tailor. 

The  Irishman. 

The  Real  Irish  Stew. 

The  Land  of  Old  Erin. 

The  Irishman's  AYager. 

The  Irish  Love  Letter. 

The  Hard-Hearted  Molly  Carew. 

The  Cobbler. 

The  Flaming  O'Flanagans. 

The  Boys  of  the  Irish  Brigade. 

The  Night    before    Larry   was 

Stretched. 
The  Young  Irish  Gentleman. 
The  I'ipor. 

The  Darlin'  Ould  Stick. 
The  Wake  of  Teddy  the  Tiler. 
The  Loves  of   Judy  Rooney   an( 

Looney  Conner. 
What  Man  would   be  without 

Wife,  I  Should  Like  to  Know. 
Widow  Malone. 

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Contents  of  Dick  &  Fitzgerald's  Dime  Song  Books.     3 
TONY  PASTOR'S  COMIC  SONGSTER. 


CONTENTS : 


A  Big  thin^  on  Ico. 
I  A  Parody,  (comic  recitation). 

A  Sweetener  lur  the  Ladies. 

'  ■  '  Suro  a  Thine;  will  Pay. 
1 1 1 V,  I  Have  Missed  You. 

Lould'iit  Stand  the  Press. 
i  Don't  Think  Much  of  You. 

I'lyiniT  Your  Kite  too  High. 

Folks  that  Put  on  Airs. 

Good  A<lvice. 

Happy  Hezekiuh. 

Happy  Land  of  Canaan. 
!  I  Can't  Sec  It. 

Joe  Bowers. 

Lather  and  Shave. 

Merry  Month  of  May. 

My  Mary  has  the  Longest  Nose. 

Nick,  Kot  at  Home. 

Ould  Irish  Stew. 

One  Good  Turn  Deserves  Another. 

Played  Out. 

Sound  on  the  Goose.    . 

Strike  while  the  Iron's  Hot. 

Somcthina:  Kew  to  Wear. 

Sammy  Slap,  the  Bill-Sticker. 


The  Clown's  Consolations  to  Dis- 
consolat(>  People. 

The  Age  of  Machinery. 

The  'Orrible  Tale. 

The  Goose  Hangs  High. 

The  Tickler. 

The  Rajrged  Coat. 

Tho  Yankee  Quilting  Party. 

The  Goot  Lager  Beer. 

The  Lazy  Club. 

The  Farmer's  Alphabet. 

The  "  nights  of  ]Man." 

Tho  AVidow  TW-istail. 

The  Bachelor's  Dream. 

The  Obstinate  Man. 

Tho  Traveler,  (a  comic  recitation). 

Think  of  your  Head  in  the  Morn- 
ing. 

Tuscaloosa  Sam. 

Unhappy  Jeremiah. 

Umln-ella  Courtship. 

Wonder  of  the  Age. 

AVhole  Hog  or  None. 

What  will  Mrs.  Grundy  Say  1 


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THE   CAMP-FIRE   SONG   BOOK. 

A  collection  of  Jolly,  Patriotic,  Convivial,  and  National  Songs,  em- 
bracing all  the  Popular  Camp  and  Marching  Songs,  as  sung  by  our  Aimy. 


A  Big  Thing  Coming. 

Abraham's  Daughter. 

A  Good  Time  Coming,  Boys. 

A  Glass  is  Good. 

America. 

Annie  Laurie. 

Auld  Lang  Sync. 

A    Yankee    fehip    and   a    Yankee 

Crew. 
Benny  Havens. 
Buliy  lor  Us. 
Camp  War  Song. 
Columbia,  tho  Gem  of  the  Ocean. 
Come,  Landlords,  Fill. 
Come,  Raise  the  Banner  High. 
Corporal  Kelly. 
Dixie  of  Our  Union. 
Di-xie  of  the  Michigan  Boys. 
Drink  it  Down. 
Free  and  Easy  Still. 


fJay  and  Happy. 

God  Save  our  Native  Land. 

Hail  Columbia. 

Happy  Land  of  Canaan. 

Home  Again. 

Home,  Sweet  Home. 

How  arc  You,  Johnny  Bull ! 

Hurrah  for  the  Union. 

I  Love  a  Sixpence. 

Jeff  Davis  ;  or,   the  King  of  the 

Southern  Dominions. 
Jonathan  to  John. 
Let  Cowards  Shirk  their  Duty. 
Little  Rhode  Island. 
My  Love,  he  is  a  Zou-zu. 
My  Country,  'tis  of  Thee  I  Sing. 
Our  Counti'v's  Flag. 
Our  Father  Land. 
Our  Flag  is  Tliere. 
Our  Ger"ma».  Volunteers. 


4     Contents  of  Dick  <fc  Fitzgerald's  Biice  Song-  Books. 


r 


O'Toolc  and  McFinnigan  on  the 
AVar. 

Pat's  Opinion  of    the  Stars    and 
Sti-i]U'S. 

Red,  ■\Vhitc  and  Blue. 

Songs  of  tho  Camp. 

Tha  Bravu  Boys  of  Company  D. 

Tho  Buglu  Kote. 

The  Flacf  of  our  Union. 

The  Gallant  Zouaves. 

The  Girl  I  Left  Behind  Me. 

The  Loudon  "Times"  on  Ameri- 
can Afiairs. 

The  ISTew  York  Volunteers. 

The  Soldier's  Hymn. 
All  the  ahovo  Songs  go  to  Popular  and  well-known  tunes,  so  that  they 

can  easily  be  sung.    Copies  mailed  to  any  address  in  the  ITnited  States, 

free  of  postage,  upon  receipt  of  ten  cents. 


The  Stripes  and  the  Stars. 

The  Star  .Spangled  Banner  (with 
additional  versos). 

The  T^iiinu  Jlarseillaise. 

The  Union  Must  and  Shall  be  Pre- 
served. 

The  Union  Poot,  Hog,  or  Die. 

The  Yankee  Volunteers. 

There  Lies  the  "Whisky  Bottle 
Empty  on  the  Shelf. 

Union  and  Justice. 

Viva  L'  America. 

Viva  La  Comiiagnie. 

Whack  !  How  de  Dow. 


THE  SHAMROCK;  OR,  SONGS  OF  OLD  IRELAND. 


CONTENTS  : 


Aggie  Asthnre. 

Angel's  Whisper. 

A  Sweet  Irish  Girl  is  the  Darling. 

Barnaby  Finnegaa. 

Colleen  Bawii. 

Darling  Old  Stick. 

Doran's  Ass. 

Erin  go  Bragh. 

Erin  is  My  Home. 

Green  Grow  tho  Rushes,  O ! 

Heigh  for  the  Petticoats. 

He  Tells  me  He  Loves  Me. 

Hibernia's  Lovely  Jean. 

I'd  Moum  the  1107105. 

I'm  Leaving  Old  Ireland. 

I'm  Kut  Slvself  at  All. 

Irish  Post-iinys'  Song. 

Irish  Tinker's  Lament. 

Kathleen,  Mavournccn. 

Kattv,  Avoui'neen. 

Kitty  Tyrrell. 

Lament  of  the  Irish  Emigrant. 

Limerick  Races. 

Ma  Alliecn,  Asthore. 

Jilollv,  .\-^Uiore. 

MollV  Pawn. 

ily  iloart's  in  Old  Ireland. 

Jiy  Nick-name  is  Barney. 

Norah  McShano. 

Norah,  the  Pride  of  ICildare. 

Och !  Iforah,  Dear. 

Ould  Ireland  !  You're  My  Darlin'. 

Paddy  Goshlow. 


Pretty  Maid  Jlilking  Her  Cow. 

Purty  Mollj-  Brallaghan. 

Savourneen  Dcelish. 

Sergeant  McFadgin. 

Teddy  O'Jseal. 

The  Blackbird. 

The  Blarney. 

Tho  Captain. 

The  Croppy  Boy. 

The  Dear  irishBoy. 

The  Exile  of  Erin. 

Tlie  Fairy  Boy. 

'Ac  Fine'Old  Irish  Gentleman. 

The  Four-Leaved  Shamrock. 

The  Gray  Mare. 

The  Green  Bushes. 

Tho  Green  Linnet.  [Halls. 

The  Harp  that  Onco  Thro'  Tara'e 

Tho  Irish  Brigade,  O! 

The  Irish  Jaunting  Car. 

The  Laud  of  Potatoes,  O ! 

Tho  Lass  o'  Gowrie. 

The  Low-backed  Car. 

The  New  Policeman. 

The  Old  Country  Party. 

The  Patriot  Mother. 

The  Road  of  Life. 

The  Shan  Van  Vogh. 

The  AVlnte  Cockade. 

The  AVondei-ful  Irishman. 

Up  for  the  Green. 

Widow  Machree. 

Willy  Reilly. 


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t 


Contents  of  Dick  it  Fitzf'erakrs  Dime  Song-  Books. 


FRED  MAY'S  COMIC  IRISH  SONGSTER. 


CONTENTS : 


Beor,  Bovs,  Eccr. 

OabiKige  Grooii. 

Comic  MeJlcy.  [Him. 

Don't  Spciik  of  a  Man  as  You  tind 

Diililin  Bay. 

Encore  versos  to  BidJy  JXagee. 

FroJ  May's  New  Medley. 

I   L;kcs    a    Drop   of   Ciood   Beer, 

(music.) 
I'm  a  Kantmg,  Roaring  Blade. 
I  was  tlio  Boy  for  Bewitciiiug  them. 
Judge  not  a  Man. 
Katty  Mooncy. 
Larry  Morgan. 
Larry  O'Brien. 
Iiimorirk  Races. 
One  Bottle  more 
Paddy  Miles. 

Paddy's  Visit  to  the  Theatre. 
Poor  Old  Sailor. 
Priest  of  the  Parish. 
Quiet  Lodgings. 


Sal  Sly  and  Billy  Snivel. 

Simon  the  Cellarer. 

Smuggler  Kmg. 

St.  Keren  and'King  O'Toole. 

Tc.l.ly  O'Xeil. 

The  Black  Flag  floating  gallantly. 

XJio  Gay  Girls  of  New  York. 

The  Irijli  Janius. 

The  Land  oi'Mv  Birth. 

The  Learned  Man. 

The  Old  Farm  G;ite. 

Tiie  Old  Maid  and  her  Tom  Cat. 

The  Old  Musqueteer. 

The  Pope  He  leads  a  Happy  Life. 

Tlie  Rambling  Boj'. 

Tiic  Rambling  Boy  of  Dublin. 

The  Workhouse  Boy. 

Toasts  and  Sentiments. 

True-born  Irishman. 

Very  Polite  of  Her. 

Watchman. 

What  are  You  Cryins:  for,  Nelly. 

With  a  Jolly  Full  Buttle. 


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upon  receipt  of  ten  cents. 

♦^« 

WOOD'S  MINSTREL  SONG  BOOK. 


CONTENT; 

Aunt  Dina  Roe. 

Brudder  Bone's  Love  Scrape. 

Charleston  Gals. 

Colored  Fancy  Ball. 

Colored  Orphan  Boy. 

Cynthia  Sue. 

De  Old  Jaw  Bone. 

De  Singing  Darkey  ob  de  Ohio. 

Dina's  Wedding. 

EUen  Bayne. 

Emma  Snow. 

Female  Slave's  Lament. 

Fireman's  Death,  (music.) 

Forty. five  Jokes  and  Conundrums, 

Gal  from  the  South. 

Ginger's  Weddinc. 

Gooil  Old  Hut  at  Home. 

Guinea  Maid. 

Hail !  All  Hail ! 

I  wish  I  was  in  Old  Virginia. 

Jane  Munroe. 

i  oily  Old  Crow. 

Julius  Ctesar  Gi-een. 

Julius'  Bride. 


Kilty  Darling,  (music.) 

Listen  to  the  Mocking  Bird. 

Lubly  Coloi'ed  Diue. 

Lubly  Dinah. 

Nancy  Till. 

New  York  by  Moonlight. 

O'er  the  Hills,  Bessie. 

Poor  Uncle  Tom. 

Romping  Nell,  (music.) 

Rosa  Ma:y. 

Rosv  Anna. 

Sally  White. 

Siisey  Brown. 

Tiie  Age  ot  Humbug. 

Tlie  Locust  Hum. 

Uncle  (xabriel ;  or,  Sandy  Poiat. 

Wake  Up,  Mose. 

We  are  gwan  to  de  Shucking. 

Where  is  the  Spot  that  we  -wers 

Born  on. 
Where  is  my  Pompey  Gone  1 
Would  I  were  a  Boy  again. 
Wood's  Delineators. 
Young  Folks  at  Home. 


Kate  Loraine,  (music.) 

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receipt  of  ten  cents. 


THE  FRISKY  IRISH  SONGSTER. 


CONTENTS : 


An  Irishman's  Excuse  for  a  Fight; 

or,  Thread  on  the  Tail  of  my 

Coat. 
A  Tight  Irish  Heart  for  the  Ladies 
Ballinamana  Oro. 
Barrel  of  I'ork. 
Bati'h  of  Cakes. 

Eidd}'  Mae:uirc  of  Barinaclash. 
Bryan  O'Lynn. 
Cruiskeen  Lawn. 
Dolly  Bunn  of  Donnybrook. 
Don't  You  TJiink  She  Did. 
Friend,  hy  my  Sowl,  I'll  'WTiisky 

Drink. 
Gaffer  Gray. 
Gom.!!:  Home  Trith  the  Milk  in  the 

JIoriiinfT. 
Handy  Andy. 
Uoppy  Iloolahan'.s  Lament  on  the 

Death  of  His  Duck. 
Horticultural  Wife. 
Jeff  Davis. 
Larry  McHale. 
Murrougb  U'Monahan. 
Murthough  Dclany's  Birth. 
Nell  Flaii2;hprty's  Drake. 
Paddy  Goslilow. 
Paddy's  Grave. 
Pat  and  the  Priest. 


Petticoat  Lane. 

Ilobinson  Crusoe. 

Sheclah  O'Xeal. 

Soldier's  Dream. 

Sprig  of  Shillelah. 

Summer  Hill  Courtship. 

Tlie  Anchor's  AVeighed. 

The  Btdls  of  Shandon. 

Tlic-  Frci-mason. 

The  Great,  Big,  Ugly  Irishman. 

The  Onager's  Slip. 

The  Humor's  of  Passage. 

Tlie  Huuurv  Army. 

The  Jolly"  Beggar. 

The  Land  of  Shillelah. 

The  Man  in  the  Moon. 

The  Miller's  Song. 

The  Muleteer. 

The  New  York  Volunteer. 

The  Pirate  Crew. 

The  Stars  and  Stripes. 

The  Wo<lding  of  Ballyporeen. 

The  "SVidow  that  Keeps  the  Cock 

Inn. 
The  Wild  Irishman. 
There's  Koom  for  All. 
Useful  Knowledge. 
What  an  Illigant  Life  a  Fnar  Leada 
Young  Volunteer. 


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GUS   SHAW'S   COMIC  SONG   BOOK. 


CONTENTS ; 


Alonzo,  the  Brave. 

Shells  of  Oysters. 

The  Bill-Poster. 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Snihbs. 

Nora  lialey. 

St.  Patrick's  Birth-Day. 

The  Female  Smuggler. 

The  Lively  Flea. 

Sights  for  a  Father. 

Nepolctaine. 

My    Mother    was    a    True 

Irishman. 
Paper  Song. 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Bone. 
Bobin  Rufi'  and  Gatt'er  Green. 
Root,  Hog,  or  Die. 


Bom 


Bat  Catcher's  Daughter. 

L  irboard  Watch. 

Larry  O'Brien. 

The  Irishman's  Shanty. 

New  York  in  Slices. 

Hamlet— A  Tragedy. 

Nonsense. 

Bumper  of  Lager. 

Brogue  and  Blarney. 

My  Mary's  Nose. 

Fair  of  Clogheen. 

Billy  Nutts,  the  Poet. 

In  the  Days  when  I  was  Hard  ITp. 

The  Irish  Jaunting  Car. 

Wooden  Leg  Sailor. 

The  Sicilian  Maid. 


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Contents  of  Dick  «fe  Fitzorerald's  Dime  Song  Books.     7 

WOOD'S  NEW  PLANTATION  MELODIES. 

CONTEm'S  : 

Belle  of  Alabama. 

Life  by  the  Galley  Fire. 

Belle  of  Baltimore. 

Lubly  Rosa. 

BcHc  of  Tennesee. 

L.iui^Kina  Bell. 

Come,  Darkies,  Listen  to  Dis  Song. 

Jlary  Blaiie. 

Chorus  from  Somnamlmla. 

Xi^w"  Darkey  Medley. 

Dandy  Broailwuy  Swell. 

Oh  !  Silber  Shining  Moon. 

Dearest  Mae. 

Oh,  Lud  Cials. 

De  Corn  Top  Blossom. 

Oh,  Susannah. 

De  Purty  Yellow  Gal  am  a  "Warn- 

Parody on  the  Lady  of  Lyons. 

ing. 

Pirate's  Chorus. 

Do  Skeeters  do  Bite. 

Ride  on,  Darkies. 

De  Yellow  Gal  will  a  Bloomer  on. 

Rosa  Lee. 

De  York  River  by  Steamboat. 

Sally  Weaver. 

Eighty-one  Conundrums  and  Jokes 

See  !  Sir,  See  ! 

Eph  Horn's    Celebrated  Story   of 

Somebody's  in  de  House  wid  Suser. 

the   Misfortunes  of   his  Lady 

Swash  S"haw,  Hands  Across. 

Love. 

Sweeii  oil  !  Sweep  oh  ! 

Ephriam's  Lament. 

The  Cck'briited  Waek  Shaker  Song. 

False  Hearted  Clementina. 

Tlie  Merry  SU-igh  Bells. 

Fare  Thee  Well,  Kitty  Dear. 

The  Ijittle  Nigf;er  Sweep. 

Gal  wid  do  Blue  Dress  on. 

The  I'ossum's  Retreat. 

Gwine  to  Run  all  Night. 

Tread  I<iglitly. 

Hark,  I  Hear  an  Angel  Sing. 

Uncle  Ned. 

Have  a  Little  Dance. 

Way  Down  on  the  Old  Pee  Dee. 

Hoe  On. 

AVhar  is  de  Spot. 

Hop  Light,  Loo. 

Yes,  'Tis  True,  Thy  Katy  No-w  is 

Jordan  is  a  Hard  Road  to  Travel. 

Sleeping. 

Julia  is  a  Beauty. 

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receipt  of  ten  cents. 

HARRISON'S   COMIC  SONGSTER. 

CONTENTS : 

Bachelor  Management. 

Provided    You've  Money  to  Pay 

Courting  Two  Sweethearts  at  Once. 

for  it. 

Did  You  Ever! 

Raspberry  Wine. 

Doctor  Brown. 

Rural  Felicity. 

Hymen's  Court. 

Steamboat  Excursion. 

■  Ififc  Wasn't  for  Rain. 

The     Boarding-house     Keepker's 

If    You     Think     You've     Many 

Keeper's  Misexacs. 

Friends. 

The  Doctor's  Boy. 

I'm  a  Constable. 

The  Lazy  Family. 

I'm  a  'I'rentico  Boy. 

TheLittlc  Man. 

Joys  of  Winter. 

The  Model  Artist. 

Mankind  are  all  Birds. 

The  ^'ery  Singular  Man. 

Miseries  of  an  Omnibus. 

Very  Pohte  of  Her. 

One  Suit  Between  Two. 

Whiskers. 

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TllS  Sociable;  or.  One  Thousand  and  One  HoniK  Amusements.  Con- 
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Tableaux  Vivants,  Parlor  Games,  and  Parlor  Magic,  and  a  choice 
collection  of  Puzzles,  <fec.,  illustrated  with  nearly  SOD  Engravings  and 
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By  the  Author  of  the  "  Magician's  Own  Book."  Nearly  400  pages, 
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Inquire  Within  for  Anything  You  \Va7it  to  Know ;  or^  Over  3.700 
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"Inquire  Within"  is  one  of  the  most  valuable  and  extraordinary  vol- 
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enumeration  of  them  requires  seventy-two  columns  of  fine  type  for  the 
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The  Corner  Cupboard  ;  or.  Facts  for  Everybody.  By  the  Author  of 
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The  Reason  Why  :  General  Science.  A  careful  collection  of  some 
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The  Biblical  Reason  Why:  A  Hand-Book  for  Biblical  Students,  and 
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10,000  Wonderful  Things.  Comprising  the  Marvellous  and  Rare, 
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The  Secret  Out :  or,  One  Thousand  Tricks  with  Cards  and  oilier 
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book  which  explains  all  llie  Tricks  and  Deceptions  with  Playing  Cards 
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The.  Art  of  Dancing'.  Containing  the  Figures,  Music,  and  necessary 
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Tlie  Dictionary  of  Love.  Containing  a  Definition  of  all  the  terms  used 
in  Courtship,  with  rare  quotations  from  Poets  of  all  Nations,  together 
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containing  several  hunilred  amusing  Magical,  Magnetical,  Electric-il, 
and  Chemical  Experiments,  Astonishing  Transmutations,  AVonderfui 
Slcight-of-Hand  and  Card  Tricks.  Curious  and  Perplexing  Puzzles, 
Quaint  Questions  in  Numbers,  Arc,  together  witli  all  the  most  noted 
Tricks  of  Modern  Performers.  Illustrated  with  over  600  Wood 
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The  Book  of  1,000  Tales  and  Amusing  Adventures.  Containing 
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The  Bordeaux  Wine  and  Liquor  Dealer's  Guide ;  or.  How  lo  Mams~ 

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In  this  work,  not  one  article  in  the  smallest  degree  approximating  to 
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Ladies'  Guide  to  Crochet.  By  Mrs.  Ann  S.  SxEpnExs.  Copiously 
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Arts  of  Beauty  ;  or.  Secrets  of  a  Lady's  Toilet.  With  Hints  to  Gentle- 
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tion  of  difficulties  connected  with  Grammar,  Composition,  Puncfua- 
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The  Perfect  Gentleman  ;  or.  Etiquette  and  Eloquence.  A  Book  of  In- 
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conspicuous  in  General  Society;  or  at  Parties,  Dinners,  or  Popular 
Gatherings.  Containing  Model  Speeches  for  all  Occasions,  with  Di- 
rections how  to  deliver  them;  500  Toasts  and  Sentiments  for  every- 
body, and  their  proper  mode  of  introduction;  How  to  use  Wino  at 
Tabic;  with  Ruks  for  judging  the  quality  of  AVine,  and  Buli's  for 
Carving;  Etiquette,  or  proper  Behavior  in  Company,  with  an  American 
Code  of  I'nliteness  for  every  Oocasinn  ;  Etiquette  at  AVashi-g'un,  Be- 
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The  Dutirs  of  a  Chaiiman  of  a  Public  Meeting,  with  Rules  fur  fljn  Or- 
derly Conduct  thereof;  together  with  Valuable  Hints  and  Examples 
for  Drawing  up  Preambles  and  Resolutions,  and  a  great  deal  of  in- 
structive and  amusing  matter  never  before  published.  12mo.  cloth, 
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Songs  of  Ireland  :  Embracing  Songs  of  the  Affections,  Convivial  and 
Comic  Songs,  Patriotic  and  Militarj-  Songs;  Historical  and  Political 
Songs;  Moral,  Sentimental,  Satirical,  and  Miscellaneons  Songs.  Edi- 
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"Rory  OMore,"  ''Legends  and  Stories  of  Ireland,"  &c.  Einheilishcd 
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Narratives  and  Adventures  of  Travelers  in  Africa,  By  Charl.  s  'Wil- 
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The  Lady's  Own  Pattern  Book  ;  or,  Treasures  in  Ncedlnrork.  Com- 
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Braiding,  Embrniderv,  &c.  Illustrated  with  over  Five  Hundred  Use- 
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Anecdotes  of  Love.  Being  a  true  account  of  the  most  remarkable  events 
connected  with  the  History  of  Love  in  all  Ages  and  among  all  Nations. 
By  Lola  Montez,  Countess  of  Landsfeldt.    Large  12mo,  cloth. 

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Amusint;  Tricks  iu  Geometry.  By  Iho  author  of '' Tiie  Miciable." 
lUustrateci  wi'h  a  ^'reat  variety  oi'  engravinijs.  12mo.  fancy  paper 
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The  Book  of  Fireside  Games ;  A  Repertory  of  Social  Amusements. 
Containing  an  Explanation  of  the  most  Entertaining  Gaines,  suited 
to  the  Tamily  Circle  as  a  Recreation.  Ey  the  Author  of ''The  Socia- 
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1\fi  American  Home  Cook-Book.  Containing  several  hundred  excel- 
lent Recipes.  The  whole  based  on  many  years'  e":perience  of  an  Amer- 
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1)r.  Valentine's  Comic  Lectures.  A  budget  of  Wit  and  Humor;  or. 
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Eloquence,  Transactions  of  Learned  Societies,  Delineations  of  Eccen- 
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Hill.      Embellished   with    numerous    portraits.     Ornamental    paper 

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The  Book  of  1,000  Comical  Stories;  or.  Endless  Repast  of  Fun.  A 
rich  banquet  for  every  day  in  the  year,  with  several  courses  and  a  des- 
sert. BILL  OF  FARE:  Comprising  Tales  of  Humor,  Laughable 
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Puns  and  Pickings,  Quibbles  and  Queries,  Bon  Mots  and  Broadgrins, 
0-ldities,  Epigrams,  fee,  &c.  Appropriately  Illustrated  with  300  Comic 
Engravings.  By  the  author  of  "Mrs.  Partington's  Carpet-Bag  of  Fun." 
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The  Courtship  and  Adventures   of  Jonathan  Homebred;  or,  the 

Scrapes  aicd  Escapes  of  a  Lix'e  Yankee.  Beautifully  Illustrated. 
12mo,  cloth.  The  book  is  printed  in  handsome  style,  on  good  paper, 
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Eticiuette  and  the  Usages  of  Society.  Containing  the  most  Approved 
Rules  for  Correct  Conduct  in  Social  and  Fashionable  Life — with 
Hints  to  both  Gontlrmcn  and  Ladies  on  Awkward  and  Vulgar  Habits. 
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&c.    Byll.  P.  Willis.     A  book  of  64  pages PricolOctS. 

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Art  of  Discerning  Future  Events,  as  practiced  by  Modern  Seera  and 
Astrulos'^rs— hein^  also  a  Key  to  tlio  Hidden  Mysteries  of  the  Middle 
Ages.  To  wliicii  is  added  Curious  and  Amusins^  ChaririS,  Invocations, 
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Courtship  Tlade  Ea'^y ;  or.  The  Art  of  Making  LovefuVy  Explained. 
Containinff  lull  and  minute  directions  for  conducting  a  Courtship  with 
Lidies  of  every  age  anu  position  in  society,  and  valuable  information 
for  persons  v.dio  desire  to  enter  tlie  marriage  state.  Also,  Forms  of 
Love  Letters  to  be  used  on  certain  occasions.    64  pp.   Price  12  CtS. 

Chesterfield's  Art  of  Letter-writing  Simplified.  A  Guide  to  Friendly, 

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together  with  numerous  examples  of  Letters  and  Notes  on  every  subject  of 
Epistolary  Intercourse,  with  several  Important  Hints  on  Love  Letters. 

Knowisoa's  Farrier,  aid  Complete  Horse  Doctor.  TVo  liave  printed  a 
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The  Art  of  Conversation  :  With  Remarks  on  Fashion  and  Address.  By 
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Horse-Taming  by  a  New  Method,  as  Practiced  brj  J.  S.  Rarey.  A 
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Subduing  and  Breaking  Vicious  Horses,  together  with  iiis  Improved 
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Harness,  and  the  Sulkey — with  ten  enirravings  illustratin:r  the  process. 
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The  Game  of  Whist:  Rules,  Directions  and  Maxims  to  be  observed 
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Compiled  from  Hoyle  and  Matthew^.  Also.  Loo,  Euchre,  and  Poker, 
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The  Young  Bride's  Book:  An  Epitome  of  the  Social  and  Domestic 
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The  Ladies'  Love  Oracle  ;  or.  Counsellor  to  the  Fair  Sex.  Beintr  a 
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ent evi-nlsand  situations  of  life,  but  more  especially  relating  to  all 
circumstances  connecteil  willi  Love,  Courtsliip,  and  Slarriage.  By 
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colors Prico  1:5  ccs. 

Tlie  Laws  of  Love-     A  complete  Code  of  Gallantry. 

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Containing  concise  rules  for  the  conduct  of  Courtship  through  its  en- 
tire progress,  aphorisms  of  love,  rules  for  tellins  the  diameters  and  dis- 
positions of  women,  remedies  for  love,  and  an  Epistolary  Code. 

Gamblers'  Tricks  with  Cards  Exposed  and  Explained.    By  J.  H. 

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This  work  contains  one  hundred  tricks  with  cards,  explained,  and 
shows  the  numerous  cheats  which  Gamblers  practice  upon  their  unwary 
dupes. 

How  to  Win  and  How  to  "Woo.  Containing  Rules  for  the  Etiquette 
of  Courtship,  with  directions  showing  how  to  win  the  favor  of  Ladies, 
how  to  begin  and  end  a  Courtship,  and  how  Love  Letters  should  be 
written _ Price  12  cts. 

Bridal  Etiquette.  A  Sensible  Guide  to  the  Etiquette  and  Observances 
of  the  Marriage  Ceremonies;  containing  complete  directions  for  Bridal 
Receptions,  and  the  necessary  rules  for  bridesmaids,  groomsmen 
sending  cards,  &c.,  <tc Price  12  CCS. 

How  to  Behave  ;  or,  Tlie  Spirit  of  Etiquette.  A  Complete  Guide  to 
Polite  Society,  for  Ladies  and  Gentlemen;  containing  rules  for  good 
behavior  at  the  dinner  table,  in  the  parlor,  and  in  the  street ;  with  im- 
portant hints  on  introduction,  conversation,  &c Price  13  CtS. 

The  Everlasting  Fortune-Teller  and  Magnetic  Dream-Book.  Con- 
taining the  science  of  foretelling  events  hy  the  Signs  of  the  Zodiac, 
Lists  of  Lucky  and  Unlucky  Days,  with  Presages  drawn  therefrom  ; 
the  science  of  Foretelling  Events  by  cards,  dice,  <fcc — Price  25  Ct3. 

Morgan's  Free-Masonry  Exposed  and  Explained.  Showing  the 
Origin,  History,  and  Nature  of  Masonry;  its  Effects  on  the  Govern- 
ment and  the  Christian  Religion;  and  containiug  a  Key  to  all  the 
Degrees  of  Free-JIasonry  ;  giving  a  clear  and  correct  view  of  the 
manner  of  Conferring  the  Different  Degrees,  as  practiced  in  all  Lodges 
throughout  the  Globe Price  25  ctS. 

How  tD  Dress  withTasto  ;  Containing  hints  on  the  harmony  of  colors, 
the  theory  of  contrast,  the  complexion,  shape  or  hight.  Price  13  CtS. 

Mind  Your  Rtops :  Punctuation  made  plain,  and  Composition  sim- 
plified for  Readers,  Writers  and  Talkers -Price  13  CtS. 

This  little  book  is  worth  fen  times   the  price  asked  for  it,  and  will 

teach  accurately  in  everything,  from   the  diction  of  a  friendly  letter  to 

the  composition  of  a  learned  treatise. 

Hard  Words  Made  Easy  ;  Rules  for  Pronunciation  and  Accent ;  with 
instructions  how  to  pronounce  French,  Italian,  German,  Russifm, 
Danish,  Dutch,  Swedish,  Norwegian,  and  other  foreign  names.  A 
capital  work Price  13  cts. 


Send  cash  on^Ts  to  Bicli  &■  Fit sjjei-alil,  3  S  A:ajt  St.,  N,  \'. 


Fontaine's  Golden  Wheel  Drefm-Eook  and  Fortune-Teller.  By 
Felix  roNTAiNE,  Fortune-Tellcr  and  Astrologer.  Being  t!ie  most 
com])lete  bot>k  on  Fortuno-Tclling  and  Interpreting  Dreams  ever 
printed.  Each  Dream  has  tlie  lucky  kumbku  which  the  Dream  sic;- 
uLfies  attached  to  it,  and  those  who  wi3h  to  purchase  Lottery  Tickets 
will  do  well  to  consult  them.  This  hook  also  informs  you  how  to 
Tei.l  Fortunes  with  the  Golden  Wheel,  with  Cards,  Dice,  and  Dom- 
inoes; how  to  tell  future  events  by  Bsalmistry  on  the  lines  of  the 
hands,  by  moles  on  th^  body,  by  the  face,  nails,  and  sliuije  of  the 
head ;  how  to  find  where  to  dig  for  water,  coal,  and  all  kinds  "f 
metals,  with  the  celebrated  Divining  TIod  ;  Charms  to  make  y  ur 
Sweetheart  love  you,  to  make  your  Lover  pop  the  question  ;  togc'  "r 
with  Twenty  Ways  of  Tellinfr  Fortunes  on  New  Year's  Eve. 
book  contains  144  paa:es,  and  is  bound  in  pasteboard  sides  with  clot 
back.  It  is  illustrated  with  numerous  Engravings,  showing  how  to 
hold  the  Divining  Lod,  how  to  lay  out  Cards  wlion  you  Tell  For- 
tunes, how  to  tell  the  names  of  your  intended  Wife  or  Husband  by 
the  charm  of  the  Key  and  Book,  etc.  Tliis  book  also  contains  a  large 
Colored  Lithographic  Engraving  of  the  Golden  Wheel,  which  folds 
up.    It  is  the  cheapest  on  our  list Price  30  CtS. 

Chesterfield's  Letter-Writer  and  Complete  Book  of  Etiquette ;  or. 

Concise  Si/slemalic  Dire.clions  for  Arranginij  and  Wriiing  Letters. 
Also,  Model  Correspondence  in  Friendship  and  liusiness,  and  a  great 
variety  of  Model  Love  Letters.  If  any  lady  or  gentleman  desires  to 
know  how  to  beejin  a  Love  Correspondence,  this  is  just  the  book  they 
want.  If  tliry  wish  to  speak  their  minds  to  a  tardy,  a  bashful,  or  a 
careless  or  indilfercut  lover,  or  sweetheart,  this  book  tells  exactly 
how  it  should  bo  done.  This  work  is  also  a  Complete  Book  of  Eti- 
quette. You  will  find  more  real  information  in  this  book  than  in 
half-a-dozen  volumes  of  the  more  expensive  ones.  It  is  emphat- 
ically a  book  for  the  million,  and  one  which  every  young  person 
should  have.  As  it  contains  Etiquette  for  Ladies,  as  well  as  for  Gen- 
tlemen—Etiquette of  Courtship  and  Marriage— Etiquette  for  writing 
Love  Letters,«nd  all  that  sort  of  thing,  it  is  an  appropriate  book  to 
present  to  a  lady.  This  book  contains  136  pages,  and  is  bound  in 
pasteboard  sides,  with  cloth  hack Price  30  CtS, 

Le  Marchand's  Fortune-Teller  and  Dream-Book.    A  complete  in- 

terpretatir.n  to  all  questions  upon  the  diti'crcnt  events  and  situations 
of  life;  but  more  especially  relating  to  Loi-e,  Courtship  and  Mar- 
riage. Containing  the  significations  of  all  the  various  Dreams, 
together  with  numerous  other  methods  of  foretelling  future 
events.  By  Madam  Le  Maeciiand,  the  celebrated  Parisian  Fortune- 
^'e"er --Price  30 CtS. 

100  Tricks  With  Cards.  J.  H.  Green,  the  Bcfonnod  Gambler,  has 
just  authorized  the  publication  of  a  new  edition  of  his  book  entitled, 
"  Gamblers'  Tricks  with  Cards  Exposed  and  Explained."  This  is  a 
book  of  9J  pages,  and  it  exposes  and  expl.ains  all  the  mvsteriesof  the 
Gambling  Tables.  It  is  interesting  not  only  to  Ihnso  who  play,  but 
to  those  who  do  not.  Old  Plaj-ers  will  get  some  new  ideas  from  this 
curious  book Price  25  cts. 

Laughing  Gas.  An  Encyclopa;dia  of  "Wit,  "Wisdom,  and  "Wind.  By 
Sam  Slick,  Jr.  Comically  illustrated  with  100  original  and  laugh- 
able Engravings,  and  nearly  .500  side-extending  Jokes,  and  other 
things  to  get  fat  on ;  and  the'  best  of  it  is,  that  every  thing  about  the 
book  is  new  and  fresh — all  new — new  designs,  new  stories,  new  type 
— no  comic  almanac  stuff.  It  will  be  found  a  complete  antidote  to 
"hard  tunes" Price  25  Cts. 


Send  cash  orders  to  Dick  &  Fitzg-erald,  13  Ann  St.,  N".  TT. 


;^, 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FAC 


AA    001  188  401    2 


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